Dave Avran would like to wish everyone a spanking Christmas & an ass-tounding New Year

More Childhood Heroes Bite The Dust…

You know you’re really getting old when your childhood heroes are dropping like flies around you. Dan Fogelberg passed away last Sunday after a three-year battle with prostate cancer. He was 56. I felt shocked and saddened to the hear news that he died so young. Fogelberg waged a valiant fight and died peacefully at home in Maine with his wife, Jean, by his side.

Fogelberg had a string of hit albums in the 1970s and early '80s. He scored several platinum and multi-platinum albums fueled by hit singles, among them "Leader of the Band," a poignant tribute to his father, and "Same Old Lang Syne," a bittersweet Christmas Eve narrative about bumping into an old girlfriend.

Odds are slim that appreciations will start pouring in like they did for Ike Turner, who died last week. Fogelberg was neither pioneer nor virtuoso. He won no Grammys and left a modest musical legacy. Moreover, his genre was soft-rock, a sound much maligned for its lack of edge and much loved by romantic young females.

My surprise at Fogelberg's untimely death was followed shortly by something like a recovered memory: The year the Sex Pistols started a revolution, I was in my room listening to "Nether Lands." It's an unabashedly lush album, a suite-like set of songs drenched in classical arrangements and country-rock guitars, emotional fireworks and verses in French.

The cream of the Southern California crop played on the record: Don Henley, Joe Walsh, Russ Kunkel, J. D. Souther. Some of it still sounds exquisite to this day: the simple, elegant melody to "Dancing Shoes," for example, and the Baroque wistfulness of "Scarecrow's Dream." "Sketches" is a fever in waltz time, a pop song as sad and weighty as a teenager's heart.

Later in his career, Fogelberg would pen more topical tunes, mainly concerned with the environment. But it was the heavily arranged ballads and exuberant folk-rockers like "Part of the Plan" that touched his fans most deeply.

Fogelberg sang high and hard, with his whole voice. He infused his music with a tenderness and eagerness that's often frowned upon by the cognoscenti and embraced by a different slice of the population - people eager for tenderness. His style was flagrant, bordering on shameless. If you were a pop fan with a soft spot for pretty melodies and vulnerable guys, Fogelberg was your man.

Fogelberg was a brief fixture on my oddball music trajectory, an arc that's turned out to be the opposite of most people's. The cultivated, innocuous stuff - Dan Fogelberg's beautiful songs - came first. Years later I became a classic rock fan. Fogelberg certainly didn't fit the myth or make the sound of rebellious youth, but I'm here to say he provided the soundtrack to some seriously fringe behavior.

Maybe his dulcet tunes were a sort of safety net, a way back to home base. They were definitely the sweet, sweet sound of sanity during the craziest times.

Another old-timer musician Stephen Stills, of folk-rock trio Crosby, Stills and Nash has been diagnosed with prostate cancer. An early diagnosis of the disease had potentially saved the 62-year-old's life. He will undergo an operation on 3 January.

Crosby, Stills and Nash comprised one of rock's biggest acts and embodied Woodstock-era folk-rock sensibilities of peace, love and music. They were known for hits including Teach Your Children, Woodstock, and Marrakesh Express.

The news of Still's diagnosis came just days after Fogelberg died.

I am so getting used to this view

I came across this anecdote in an old issue of Reader’s Digest and just had to share it with you. Image credit: Disney Pictures (Jacques from ‘Finding Nemo’)

Two prawns, Tom and Christian were swimming around in shark- infested waters discussing how difficult their lives were. “We never know when we’re going to get eaten” said Tom. “I wish I was a shark -then I wouldn’t have to worry."

At that moment a large cod appeared. “Your wish is granted” it said and whoosh Tom turned into a great white shark. Christian, terrified off his former best friend swam away and hid.

Months passed and life grew very lonely for Tom. Whenever he saw his old prawn friends, they swam away in fear. Christian was so upset by his old pal joining the enemy that he reused to leave his home.

Desperate to put things right, Tom searched everywhere for the mysterious cod. Eventually he found him. “Please make me a prawn again” he begged. Whoosh he was a shellfish again.

With tears of joy in his little eyes, he rushed home to Christian. He banged on the door and said “Hey! It’s me. Come out and see me!”. “No way” said Christian “I won’t be tricked into being your dinner.”

“But that was the old me” implored Tom “I’ve changed. I’ve found cod. I’m a prawn again, Christian!”

I have been saying it all along. Now there’s concrete proof of my Chinawimmen conspiracy. Last night stunning 23-year-old Zhang Zi Lin wowed the home crowd to become China's first-ever Miss World at the 57th edition of the annual beauty pageant.

Now you can all stop laughing at me and take note. China is actively engaged in a long term plan for world domination in a furtive manner through its females. Mark my words gentlemen, Chinawimmen are taking over the world, one man at a time.

Still don’t believe me? They have integrated themselves into every country and every culture worldwide. Look around you – they’ve married into every family in Malaysia. There’s at least one of them in each family - be it Malay, Indian, Eurasian, East Malaysian or Ethnic, buried under deep cover as sleeper agents waiting for instructions from Beijing.

My sources indicate that the catalyst for activating their “terminator” status is the sound of dollar notes being flipped, played over their handphones.

If you come to your senses and realise the seriousness of your predicament and decide to get rid of your Chinawoman, you can take advantage of my free Chinawimmen disposal service*. Just send me an email or sms or in case of emergency give me a call and I’ll immediately remove the offending creature for FREE as soon as you sign the transfer of ownership form. (Borang Pemindahan Hak Milik)

You have been warned.

* Terms and conditions apply – Chinawimmen must be between the ages of 18 – 35 and be in good physical condition.