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"You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the guy next to you." - Anonymous
Monday, December 03, 2007
GOD ANNOUNCES SHOCK RETIREMENT
As an Editor, I’m used to receiving unusual and gimmicky press releases as PR agencies try to be creative and original in attracting our attention. Therefore when an email popped into my inbox purportedly from “www.god.com” I didn’t bat an eye.
It said to gather at the Lake Gardens Gazebo at 9:00am on Sunday and we would be beamed up to Heaven for a very important announcement. It also said cameras and recording equipment were not allowed. Curiosity got the better of me and I decided to attend, even though it was on a Sunday.
There was quite a large crowd of press and media people already present when I arrived and I was busy greeting friends when we were suddenly surrounded by a blue light and a humming sound. Next thing I knew we were sitting among soft fluffy clouds and an attractive angel was handing out press kits.
The kits contained a folder with God’s biography, his retirement announcement, a pair of Oakley sunglasses and a white baseball cap with “I met God” in front and www.god.com on the back. “Please put on your sunglasses. The Lord will be with you shortly” said the angel.
The Almighty appeared without any fanfare or fuss and sat down in the clouds in front of us. He was dressed casually in faded blue Levi’s and wearing a cap with the words “I’m the Boss.” Apart from exuding a brilliant white aura he looked just like an ordinary dude with a white beard, his hair tied up in a pony tail.
“You have read the announcement. God will now answer any questions that you may have. You do not have to speak, just think” said the angel. Almost immediately God looked at a colleague and said “Yes, Deepak. It’s no hoax. Humanity has been asking me to leave them alone for aeons so I’m just obliging them”.
He turned to another colleague “Not to worry, Eddy. The stock market will dip for a while but it will stabilize shortly once people get used to the idea of not having me around.”. “Not to worry, Richard Tan” he said addressing yet another friend “the price of beer and cigarettes will not go up”
Then he looked directly at me and said “Dave, you should be ashamed of yourself, fantasizing about Christine like that” Christine from Hot French Fry magazine shot me a dirty look as I turned beetroot red. “Besides,” he continued “She doesn’t like it doggy style.” Now it was poor Christine’s turn to blush a crimson red.
Good God! He really knows everything!
Just then we heard a familiar ‘teet teet’ sound. “Excuse me” said God as he whipped out his Nokia Nseries. He sighed and said “Isn’t it ironic? I’m the original “upstairs” and the original “sanctuary” but I keep getting spam sms-es from these outlets”. He looked at me, nodded and continued “Yes, Dave. Backyard Pub too”
So without any further ado, here’s my report on this sad development…
Sunday, December 3 2007, Heaven – A press conference held today in Heaven advised that God has announced his retirement. The Lord Almighty’s unexpected announcement sent shockwaves across the cosmos.
Sources close to the Lord indicate that no replacements have been announced. However, White House sources who have asked to remain anonymous indicate that the top name on President Bush’s God nomination list is Karl Rove, his deputy chief of staff.
News of the President’s proposal has drawn harsh criticism worldwide from political and legal critics who note that the American Constitution makes no provision for the President to appoint God. The White House has refused official comment on the subject.
Representatives from many countries around the world have claimed that it is their divine right to nominate God’s replacement. Meanwhile in Malaysia, Prime Minister Dato’ Seri Abdullah Haji Ahmad Badawi issued a statement that his government required time to study the full impact of this development from an Islamic viewpoint before making a decision on behalf of the rakyat. Furthermore, Khairy is not around. He is overseas said the PM.
The reason for God’s retirement was originally unknown. My sources indicate that God has been in good health, still works 24-hour days in a variety of time zones and also oversees life on numerous worlds yet unknown to us. Despite all this, God feels that he has been downsized and is largely ignored nowadays.
In a statement released to the press last Sunday, God said, “I might as well enjoy the rest of eternity. Nobody listens to me anymore. Maybe in a few years I’ll get on Oprah and then start my own talk show and people will start listening to me again. If that dancing monkey Ellen DeGeneres and that wuss Isaac Mizrahi can do it, why not me? Or, hell, maybe I’ll just run for President of the United States. That would definitely get everyone’s attention globally.”
God’s career began millions of years ago with the creation of Earth. Throughout his impressive career, God has saved millions of lives, spoken to man on numerous occasions (some confirmed and some unconfirmed), and performed uncounted miracles.
Although God’s work has been impressive many have criticized him, blaming him for everything including poverty, violence, famine, and natural disasters. God has chosen to remain silent in the face of these accusations.
God is single and a father of one. We will miss him and wish him all the best in his future undertakings.
As an Editor, I’m used to receiving unusual and gimmicky press releases as PR agencies try to be creative and original in attracting our attention. Therefore when an email popped into my inbox purportedly from “www.god.com” I didn’t bat an eye.
It said to gather at the Lake Gardens Gazebo at 9:00am on Sunday and we would be beamed up to Heaven for a very important announcement. It also said cameras and recording equipment were not allowed. Curiosity got the better of me and I decided to attend, even though it was on a Sunday.
There was quite a large crowd of press and media people already present when I arrived and I was busy greeting friends when we were suddenly surrounded by a blue light and a humming sound. Next thing I knew we were sitting among soft fluffy clouds and an attractive angel was handing out press kits.
The kits contained a folder with God’s biography, his retirement announcement, a pair of Oakley sunglasses and a white baseball cap with “I met God” in front and www.god.com on the back. “Please put on your sunglasses. The Lord will be with you shortly” said the angel.
The Almighty appeared without any fanfare or fuss and sat down in the clouds in front of us. He was dressed casually in faded blue Levi’s and wearing a cap with the words “I’m the Boss.” Apart from exuding a brilliant white aura he looked just like an ordinary dude with a white beard, his hair tied up in a pony tail.
“You have read the announcement. God will now answer any questions that you may have. You do not have to speak, just think” said the angel. Almost immediately God looked at a colleague and said “Yes, Deepak. It’s no hoax. Humanity has been asking me to leave them alone for aeons so I’m just obliging them”.
He turned to another colleague “Not to worry, Eddy. The stock market will dip for a while but it will stabilize shortly once people get used to the idea of not having me around.”. “Not to worry, Richard Tan” he said addressing yet another friend “the price of beer and cigarettes will not go up”
Then he looked directly at me and said “Dave, you should be ashamed of yourself, fantasizing about Christine like that” Christine from Hot French Fry magazine shot me a dirty look as I turned beetroot red. “Besides,” he continued “She doesn’t like it doggy style.” Now it was poor Christine’s turn to blush a crimson red.
Good God! He really knows everything!
Just then we heard a familiar ‘teet teet’ sound. “Excuse me” said God as he whipped out his Nokia Nseries. He sighed and said “Isn’t it ironic? I’m the original “upstairs” and the original “sanctuary” but I keep getting spam sms-es from these outlets”. He looked at me, nodded and continued “Yes, Dave. Backyard Pub too”
So without any further ado, here’s my report on this sad development…
Sunday, December 3 2007, Heaven – A press conference held today in Heaven advised that God has announced his retirement. The Lord Almighty’s unexpected announcement sent shockwaves across the cosmos.
Sources close to the Lord indicate that no replacements have been announced. However, White House sources who have asked to remain anonymous indicate that the top name on President Bush’s God nomination list is Karl Rove, his deputy chief of staff.
News of the President’s proposal has drawn harsh criticism worldwide from political and legal critics who note that the American Constitution makes no provision for the President to appoint God. The White House has refused official comment on the subject.
Representatives from many countries around the world have claimed that it is their divine right to nominate God’s replacement. Meanwhile in Malaysia, Prime Minister Dato’ Seri Abdullah Haji Ahmad Badawi issued a statement that his government required time to study the full impact of this development from an Islamic viewpoint before making a decision on behalf of the rakyat. Furthermore, Khairy is not around. He is overseas said the PM.
The reason for God’s retirement was originally unknown. My sources indicate that God has been in good health, still works 24-hour days in a variety of time zones and also oversees life on numerous worlds yet unknown to us. Despite all this, God feels that he has been downsized and is largely ignored nowadays.
In a statement released to the press last Sunday, God said, “I might as well enjoy the rest of eternity. Nobody listens to me anymore. Maybe in a few years I’ll get on Oprah and then start my own talk show and people will start listening to me again. If that dancing monkey Ellen DeGeneres and that wuss Isaac Mizrahi can do it, why not me? Or, hell, maybe I’ll just run for President of the United States. That would definitely get everyone’s attention globally.”
God’s career began millions of years ago with the creation of Earth. Throughout his impressive career, God has saved millions of lives, spoken to man on numerous occasions (some confirmed and some unconfirmed), and performed uncounted miracles.
Although God’s work has been impressive many have criticized him, blaming him for everything including poverty, violence, famine, and natural disasters. God has chosen to remain silent in the face of these accusations.
God is single and a father of one. We will miss him and wish him all the best in his future undertakings.
