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Monday, December 27, 2004

Joking or Choking ?

Having been involved in the hospitality industry for the past 24 years has allowed me to observe humanity and all its foibles. For example, at parties, you will often notice an inexplicable gravitational pull toward the funniest person there. Since we are social creatures, we like to be amused and, for some reason, we are always more at ease when in the presence of someone that can make us laugh.

However, there are those who lack the comedic timing or funny material to extract a belly laugh on command. There are untalented guys you need to be aware of to avoid being pulled into a void of boredom that will suck the party spirit right out of you, as well as to put a damper on your scoring campaign, because let's face it - being funny really reels in the babes.

However, their idiocy could be your gain...

Here are five characters you could use to your advantage, because they don't know when to call it quits, even though the fat lady has sung.

The Impersonator
This moron gets all his material from movies and primetime sitcoms. He can often be heard spouting the most eccentric lines from a Jim Carrey film or trying to be Mike Myers while attempting to balance it with the accompanying actions. The Impersonator is not embarrassed to let the room know he watched last night's episode of Will & Grace by spewing the punch lines and emulating the characters with very bad impersonations. Oh yes, and he'll be the type to talk throughout a DVD of his favorite comedy by bellowing out the lines before the character does.

When The Fat Lady Sings: You may hang your head in disgust when you hear his trademark "Aaaallll righty, then!" or the equally embarrassing "Groovy, baby!" Try not to feel too sorry for him, and use his failure to your advantage by explaining his buffoonery to the ladies who are confused about who he's supposed to be.

Mr. Punchline
This idiot is the least imaginative of the lot. He has subscribed to every joke page on the Net and revels in sifting through the masses of cyber junk so that he can impress with a good dirty limerick or a "knock knock" joke. His confidence is unjustifiably high due to the memorized arsenal of bad jokes he has at his disposal -- and most of the time he's the only one that finds them funny. He fancies himself a real Rodney Dangerfield or Harith Iskandar, and has no clue that jokes can actually be outdated.

When The Fat Lady Sings: Keep an ear out for the guy who starts his conversations with "Have you heard the one about..." or "A priest, a Rabbi and the Dalai Lama walk into a bar..." and when the knee-slapping punch line comes, use the awkward silence to compliment the woman next to you.

Mr. Sarcasmo
Sarcasm. That's all this guy's got. Sarcasm was once described as the lowest form of humor and this guy proves that old adage. He has nothing better to do than take the words of others and reverse them in a sarcastic tone to try to sound informed and perhaps even opinionated. That's because he has nothing of value to say, and he tries very hard to be the next coming of Matthew Perry's "Chandler Bing" from Friends.

When The Fat Lady Sings: The targets of his sarcasm and eye rolling will range from politics to television. Steer the conversation to the subject of women and, when he releases his zinger about female drivers or weight problems, the obvious disgust of the women around you will be your triumph.

The Prankster
The Prankster is a fun-loving guy who puts much effort and pride into making others look stupid to get laughs. Whether it's a whoopee cushion or a laxative-laced cake, you'll be sure to hear this monkey's boisterous laugh all the way across the room. This George Clooney wannabe won't shy away from making fun of anybody; he may even love pointing out "fat chicks" or "dogs." But be warned: the Prankster shows no grace or appreciation when the tables are turned and someone makes fun of him.

When The Fat Lady Sings: You won't want to get too close to this guy, but stand close enough so that when the girl you're eyeing is a victim of his dribble glass, you're the hero to dab the liquid off the front of her clothes with your handkerchief while clucking sympathetically.

High & Dry Guy
Now this is the most difficult one to come to grips with. He'll usually show no emotion due to his ultra-dry sense of humor, leaving you wondering if he was trying to be funny or if he has mental problems. A lot of his social commentary will go unnoticed and will have people wondering if this tortured soul is suffering from depression. With the high and dry guy, it's usually better when birds of a feather...

When The Fat Lady Sings: He'll try to get people's attention with some sort of random phrase like "Okay, so what's the speed of dark?", keeping a straight face all the while to try and get a laugh. Always give a logical answer to throw him off, such as "72," forcing him to explain and ruin his own joke.

Socializing is quite the scientific practice nowadays, so it's good to know what you are up against in order to use it to your advantage. To prevent yourself from being imprisoned in the claws of tedium and letting all the jackasses get the women, know the odds and how to take advantage of a situation.
Have yourselves a very merry christmas and a prosperous, healthy 2005. Remember to drink responsibly and have a designated driver on standby or check into a hotel room if you intend to party until you get shit-faced :)

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this festive season, play your cards right and you could score big time...  Posted by Hello
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Sunday, December 05, 2004

It's very easy to lose your way in the confusion  Posted by Hello
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Life nowadays has become emotionally draining. Everybody wants a piece of you. Your own hand phone becomes a weapon of intrusion, so much so that you can’t shave, shower or dress without constant interruption and harassment in the morning.

Driving to work is an exercise in futility as everyone is so selfish that they will drive on your left, on your right, above you and below you, through you, squeeze you and cut you off so that they can gain that 1 second advantage over you. You arrive at work mentally exhausted after fielding all the road warriors before you even begin your day. Let’s not even get into the subject of parking.

Keeping a diary is a joke as people change and adjust their appointments to suit themselves and their convenience, or just plain turn up at your office and gleefully announce “I’m here!” and expect you to drop everything as you are expected to attend to them and their needs.

Is it any wonder that people in the city nowadays are just plain stressed and drained of emotional energy? To top it all off, we have boy/girl friends that demand increasingly more from us each day.

They need you, they have an attitude and they have such an intricate emotional make-up that you could trigger anger or sadness at anytime…leading you to “tiptoe on eggshells” to keep the peace.

You try to get into their minds, you try to understand them, you argue endlessly and you need to deal with issues every day – it seems endless. You feel tired and frustrated and you probably end up taking it out on people that didn’t do a damn thing to hurt you.

And so the circle of city living goes on, eventually sucking everyone into its vortex and under its evil influence. You become a spent force, emotionally bankrupt.

Good job on depressing us on a Monday morning, Dave…I hear you think - do you have any answers for us or are you just gonna play Devil’s Advocate?

Well, it’s all about balance isn’t it? Balance cultivated through understanding and communication right from the beginning. Developing healthy relationships and making wise choices, and keeping your cool in the chaos that ensues on a daily basis.

Now if only I could believe in that crap I just made up…

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