Spankin' DA Monkey - Dave Avran's blog: 03/01/2006

"You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the guy next to you." - Anonymous

Sunday, March 26, 2006

sorry dave, we can't sing your song. it's too racist lah.

Posted by: Dave Avran / 6:10 PM 1 comments

jammin' as only musicians can do

Posted by: Dave Avran / 6:08 PM 1 comments

THE INDIAN OLYMPICS

The last week I’ve been spending a lot of time with my musician buddies Colin Jensen, Gerard Singh, Amizan, Sherman Tan, Raymond Chia, Wan, Vishnu and Paul Ponnudurai. We’ve had several drinking sessions at the various outlets that they perfomed in, including Olde Tavern, Apartment 101, Slippery Senoritas and Big Fish.

Being the astute observationists that we are, we couldn’t help noticing a rather obvious trend - Indian guys with Chinese girls.

Yeah, yeah, I hear you say. This is bullshit. Old news. Yesterday’s newspaper. Hang on a minute, though. While it is old news, there’s been an upward movement in the trend level, a new paradigm shift if you will.

The latest trend now is for the Indian guy to look as if he’s bored out of his mind while the Chinese girl caresses him, hugs him, and culminates in her passionately kissing him. We actually saw couples “competing” in this activity, with the girls trying to outdo each other in the Indian Olympics.

The rest of us single, desperate and hard-up guys tried hard not to stare and concentrated on our drinks and the band. Jealous? You bet. It’s not just a one-off thing either, as it happened in all the other outlets we visited.

Let me state right here and right now that I have nothing against Indian guys. I certainly have nothing against Chinese girls, having dated, lived with and been burned by more than my fair share, to be perfectly honest.

What bothers me is where is my share? Why isn’t some chinawoman desperately trying to turn me on while I look coolly bored? Sheesh! Anyway, more power to you dudes.

Here’s a rap song I wrote, inspired by you guys. It’s a parody and yes I admit its sour grapes so please don’t get your underwear in a twist, ok?

YO YO FARKIN’ INDIO

Yo, I’m a farkin’ Indio, I own my own pub
Chinawoman by my side, I can rub rub
Whisky on my table, mixer soda club
I know I’m really cool, Grr! like a tiger cub
My place is happenin’ it’s a real social hub
Later tonight we’ll get in the hot tub to dub dub

Yo, I’m a farkin’Indio, check out my hip duds
I dislike other Indios, their asses so bloody dark
When I serve beer it’s got fresh foamy suds
Bonking chinawomen to me a walk in the park

Chorus:
Yo, I’m a farkin’ Indio, I own my own pub
Chinawoman by my side, I can rub rub
I know I’m really cool, Grr! like a tiger cub
My place is happenin’ it’s a real social hub

Yo, I’m a farkin’Indio, look at my bling bling
Shiny shimmering gold, just nice for a fling
My fashion? You can call me a ding-a-ling
Get your shades on, shortly I’ll be a-passing

Yo, I’m a farkin’Indio, who am I kidding?
I’m sitting here drunk, my ship is sinking
My mofos have left, after the free drinking
Chinawoman? In the loo homey, she’s peeing.

Chorus:
Yo, I’m a farkin’ Indio, I own my own pub
Chinawoman by my side, I can rub rub
I know I’m really cool, Grr! like a tiger cub
My place is happenin’ it’s a real social hub

Intellectual property © Dave Avran March 2006 Creative Commons.

Posted by: Dave Avran / 5:51 PM 12 comments

Friday, March 24, 2006

ain't she gorgeous?

Posted by: Dave Avran / 3:45 PM 1 comments

Snowy

Say hi to snowy, a four year old female terrier-spitz mix. Her owners just had a baby and so wanted to give her up. A big thank you to Mrs D for giving her to me on Thursday 23rd March 2006 at 4:00pm.

Friday morning at 6:30am I took snowy to the park near my house and let her loose while I sat under a tree. She gamboled like a lamb, her pure white fur attracting everybody’s attention.

Then I saw her – this gorgeous chinawoman with huge gazonkas jogging in the distance. My head bobbed up and down in unison with her err..ample chest as I followed her stride. My devious mind hatched a plan…

Wiping the drool off my mouth with my track suit sleeve, I called snowy to me.
“Snowy girl” I whispered conspiratorially, “go chase that chinawoman” as I pointed dramatically in the direction of the bobbing boobies. Snowy said “woof” and stayed put. I tried again. Same result.

“I’ll buy you a doggy treat” I tried to bribe her. “woof” and stay put. I’ll buy you ice-cream”. “woof“ and stay put.

Now I don’t blame snowy at all. She doesn’t read the papers or follow the news on tv, so she’s not familiar with the Malaysia Boleh principle of bribery and corruption at all.

I was so busy talking with snowy I didn’t notice my surroundings till a shadow fell across us. I lifted my eyes to see the heaving boobies four inches from my face. Chinawoman was bending down in front of me, looking at snowy. “she’s *pant* sooo cute! What’s *pant* her name?”

“boob err snowy! snowy!” I went.
“What a strange name for a dog” she said. “How old is she?”
“36D” I blurted out before I could stop myself. “Uh, ah, I mean four, four four”

Just then her mobile phone rang and she started walking away.
“April, I just saw the cutest doggie, boob-snowy snowy” I heard her say.
“The owner? He’s kinda cute too, like a fat teddy bear. Too bad he stutters and stammers and can’t carry on a conversation”

I sat there on the grass trying to strangle myself with snowy’s leash. Oh shit! Snowy! Where was she?

I looked around. Snowy was happily trotting alongside Chinawoman, looking more like an innocent lamb than a dog. I could have sworn she turned back and winked at me.

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!

Posted by: Dave Avran / 3:32 PM 2 comments

Friday, March 03, 2006

eat that dog food, you miserable mangy mutt!

Posted by: Dave Avran / 10:20 PM 0 comments

Threats, Blackmail & Intimidation

All right boyos, time for another short lesson on life. Today we're going to learn to not give in to anyone's threats, extortion or blackmail. Notice I didn't write never , but in most situations you should never back down from anyone. That's right boys and girls, you're all going to grow some huevos between your legs and not back down when someone tries to intimidate you.

setting a precedent

Let's talk about the real and only reason you should not give in to a threat, extortion or blackmail. The minute you do, you set a very nasty pattern for more threats, extortion and blackmail. Your rep on the street or even in the corporate boardroom gets cemented. You want to deal with Charlie on the 7th floor? Threaten the little wuss and he'll cave in like a little girl. It's not complicated and I'm not going to preach it. You do not give in to threats because the minute you do, you have just given everyone the manual on how to deal with your sorry little ass.

More importantly, you can never show you're scared. Predators smell fear a mile away, and when the guy threatening you senses fear, you're as good as done because no matter what you might say or how brave you pretend to be, he'll know you're bluffing. The only way to make a point is by taking a stand and not giving in to intimidation.

I hate going into politics, but there's a good recent example that will illustrate my point. Spain is usually a country full of very courageous men; after all, they have a festival where they purposely have bulls with sharp horns chasing them down streets just to prove that they're men.

those Spaniards gave in too quickly

Spain was recently in the Middle East doing their UN crap when the terrorist folks said, "Let's play a little game. We'll kidnap somebody from Spain, and Spain will only get that somebody back when they leave the area and go back to patrolling the naked chicks on their beaches."

What did Spain do? They said, "Yes, yes, oh guys with guns and scary scarves, we'll leave, please don't hurt us." End result? Spain leaves the region and the terrorists took their little game to a bunch of other countries to see if they would crumble as easily as our Spagnolo friends. Why? Because Spain set a precedent. They wrote the rulebook and now everyone is a victim of this stupid game. All they had to do was say no and then deal with the consequences, as unpleasant as they might be. The good of the many outweighs the good of the few.

they always want more

Enough about politics. Even in the good old U.S. of A, in Happyville, Florida, giving in to someone's threats sets the same kind of precedent. If some neighborhood punk threatens you every time you walk by his side of the turf, running away won't make him stop. Standing up to him will.

If you have a business associate who wants an undeserved bigger piece of the action and you give him a bigger slice, guess what? He'll just come back for more every time he feels like it (or every time his dealer ups the price on his weed).

If you have a boss who asks you to eat dog food or get fired, and you get on your knees like the obedient mutt you are and do it, guess what? The next time it won't be dog food, it'll be toxic waste from Kepong Industrial Asbestos, and he knows you'll eat that too.

A guy offers to put you six feet under unless you give up your wife for a one-night stand (or any other sick threat), you tell him the only digging that'll be done is the hole you'll be making for his tombstone. Otherwise, you'll be giving up your wife every single time he has so much as an itch.

If a guy has some crap on you that he's threatening to sue you with unless you pay up to keep him quiet, send him the phone book with a list of lawyers and tell him to take his pick.

If someone has some compromising pictures of you and threatens to send them to your wife unless you leave an envelope with lots of dosh in KLCC park next to some tree, guess what? The blackmail will only end when you either go broke or get a divorce. Or both.

Let's say you're a Manager at MacDonny's, and some clown says to you, "Pay me more, or I quit." What do you do? You go to his locker and dump his garbage in the street, or risk having every pimple-faced teen in the place asking for a raise.

the only exception

There is one situation where my rules don't apply. Actually two. If Ah Loong comes around selling you “insurance” from me, just pay up. The other situation is when someone in your family has been kidnapped. If a guy threatens your family, it's your duty as a man to do everything you can to protect them from harm. But when a coward kidnaps your kid from under your nose, there is nothing you can do but give in to whatever it is they want.

Yes, you are setting a precedent, but now you're dealing with the most precious thing in your life: your flesh and blood. This is not a time to pull a "Keyser Soze" (The Usual Suspects) and shoot up your family because you don't appreciate being told what to do. Leave that to the movies, you idiot...

It's one thing to have your wife and kids at home and receive some ominous phone call with vague threats; it's another when your wife and kids are on the other end of the phone line begging for their lives.

It's a situation few of you will ever face, that's true, but if you do, play ball. Get some pros on your side, and I don't mean the boys in blue. Get someone from the underworld to be in your corner as the dealmaker. God knows no family man could possibly be in the right frame of mind to deal with these scum properly.

how to deal with threats

The easiest way to deal with threats is by avoiding them altogether. There is plenty you can do to make that happen. First and foremost, don't set yourself up. Don't put yourself in compromising situations, always be in control of the things you do and keep your mouth shut. Whether it's bragging about the size of your bank account or the number of pussies you bang per week, the hole in your face will get you into more trouble than any dark alley.

If you are threatened, I have two rules:

1- Never, ever be scared.
2- Never give in.

Even a petty thief knows better than to make good on his threat if you stand up to him and don't give him your money. If someone has the goods on you and blackmails you, face it and live with the consequences of the blackmail, and pray you're not stupid enough to put yourself in the same situation ever again. That's it, that's all. Watch your back and keep your nose clean.

Of course you can always take revenge - but that’s another story for another day...

Posted by: Dave Avran / 9:46 PM 1 comments

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