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"You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the guy next to you." - Anonymous
Monday, December 26, 2005
All I want for X'mas is that yellow, red and blonde present under the tree...
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Holiday Gift Ideas for Clueless Dudes
Shopping for a woman does not have to be like pinning the tail on the donkey. As with everything we procrastinate with, men tend to be last-minute shoppers.
I found this website the other day while searching for an easy out. The slogan “because guys can’t shop…” might be offensive if it weren’t so damn true, at least for a lot of us. I hate to generalize. Your woman’s metro sexual and gay friends will probably give her the perfect gift, which puts more pressure on us average Joes to measure up.
It isn’t that men are lazy or don’t really care enough to make a gift special. We just need help. Our caveman genes are programmed to go kill something to drag back to eat, not to accessorize.
The holidays bring plenty for guys to look forward to – mistletoe and office Christmas parties come to mind – but for some of us, the process of gift-buying also brings mild anxiety.
I don’t know about you, Casanova, but I was not born with the shopping gene.
We face a moment of truth every year: This could be another Christmas when she fakes graciousness after opening your gift (which she will later openly mock in front of her girlfriends) or the Christmas she’ll never forget because you hit the nail right on the head. Even so, before you know it, Valentine’s Day will come around and there we go again.
From my experience, there seem to be some basic rules when it comes to shopping for women. First, if a gift costs an obscene amount of money for something very tiny but also very sparkly, they seem to really like that.
Secondly, if the gift demonstrates that you put some thought into it, it goes over big. And “putting some thought into it” does not necessarily mean busting your ass to spread rose pedals throughout the house in some grand romantic gesture.
Thirdly, don’t buy a woman something practical. Like a new vacuum cleaner – unless that’s what she wants.
Fourth, if you dare to buy her clothes, beware. Too small makes her feel fat. Too big makes her think you think she’s fat. Check the label on an outfit she just wore if you aren’t sure. And make sure it is something she can wear out in public because women are such show-offs. Make sure you are keeping with the hot trends because you don’t want your gift of fashion to be “so last season.”
Fifth, never give a woman a hand-made gift certificate for something like a home-made massage. She’ll always love if you offer to give her a massage, but this is serious gift-giving time. It is too easy for you to procrastinate whenever she hints that she wants a home-made gift certificate redeemed.
Pay cash money to a professional masseuse for a professional massage to be redeemed – and not the masseuse from Chinatown who does your “full body” job either! Pamper her with something like a day at the spa. For women, it’s like getting to sit around the house all day watching football and looking at dirty magazines.
Sixth, be attuned to the senses. Candles are a good idea or perhaps something else that looks, feels, smells, or tastes luxurious. Don't give her a box of chocolates if she's trying to shed her love handles.
Finally, when in doubt, get an opinion from your sister or mom or some other female who can clue you in.
I found this website the other day while searching for an easy out. The slogan “because guys can’t shop…” might be offensive if it weren’t so damn true, at least for a lot of us. I hate to generalize. Your woman’s metro sexual and gay friends will probably give her the perfect gift, which puts more pressure on us average Joes to measure up.
It isn’t that men are lazy or don’t really care enough to make a gift special. We just need help. Our caveman genes are programmed to go kill something to drag back to eat, not to accessorize.
The holidays bring plenty for guys to look forward to – mistletoe and office Christmas parties come to mind – but for some of us, the process of gift-buying also brings mild anxiety.
I don’t know about you, Casanova, but I was not born with the shopping gene.
We face a moment of truth every year: This could be another Christmas when she fakes graciousness after opening your gift (which she will later openly mock in front of her girlfriends) or the Christmas she’ll never forget because you hit the nail right on the head. Even so, before you know it, Valentine’s Day will come around and there we go again.
From my experience, there seem to be some basic rules when it comes to shopping for women. First, if a gift costs an obscene amount of money for something very tiny but also very sparkly, they seem to really like that.
Secondly, if the gift demonstrates that you put some thought into it, it goes over big. And “putting some thought into it” does not necessarily mean busting your ass to spread rose pedals throughout the house in some grand romantic gesture.
Thirdly, don’t buy a woman something practical. Like a new vacuum cleaner – unless that’s what she wants.
Fourth, if you dare to buy her clothes, beware. Too small makes her feel fat. Too big makes her think you think she’s fat. Check the label on an outfit she just wore if you aren’t sure. And make sure it is something she can wear out in public because women are such show-offs. Make sure you are keeping with the hot trends because you don’t want your gift of fashion to be “so last season.”
Fifth, never give a woman a hand-made gift certificate for something like a home-made massage. She’ll always love if you offer to give her a massage, but this is serious gift-giving time. It is too easy for you to procrastinate whenever she hints that she wants a home-made gift certificate redeemed.
Pay cash money to a professional masseuse for a professional massage to be redeemed – and not the masseuse from Chinatown who does your “full body” job either! Pamper her with something like a day at the spa. For women, it’s like getting to sit around the house all day watching football and looking at dirty magazines.
Sixth, be attuned to the senses. Candles are a good idea or perhaps something else that looks, feels, smells, or tastes luxurious. Don't give her a box of chocolates if she's trying to shed her love handles.
Finally, when in doubt, get an opinion from your sister or mom or some other female who can clue you in.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Sunday, December 04, 2005
Tips For Nightclub Pickups
Lincoln, Dip (a friend from Kuching who owns Cat City Café) and I were in Bulldog Pub in Hartamas last night when we bumped into Adrian Doshi. Soon entertainers Sherman Tan, Colin Jensen and Gerard Singh joined us.
“Look at those mofos trying to pick up those hot girls” goes Sherman with a smirk on his face. “RM10 says they crash and burn within ten minutes.” “Make it a jug and you’re on” challenged Dip.
Crash and burn those two particular mofos did. They never gave up - they worked the room systematically trying to pick up every single female in sight before leaving empty handed when the placed closed at 3:00am.
That made me think. Quite an unusual and rare activity, actually. Me thinking, that is.
Most guys think that nightclubs are a great place for action, yet they don't seem to have much luck. Even though bars and nightclubs are ground zero for pick-up artists, being successful at it is not always as easy as it seems.
So, rather than have you waste your time figuring out the situation's basic permutations and ramifications yourself, I am happy to pass along the wisdom of my many many nights spent observing the scene during my stint in the hospitality and entertainment industry.
pick the best real estate in the nightclub scene
Remember the three fundamentals of real estate?: location, location, location? How many times have you seen hot women in a bar from afar, but were stuck at a table with your friends? You want to be mobile and ready to nonchalantly get near a woman who interests you.
You want a spot with good visibility and high traffic, so as to be able to interact with more people than if you're holed up in a booth in the corner. In the pickup game, it's also good to have an excuse for being where you are - in line for drinks at the bar, or for the restroom - so as not to look like a stalker. Consider yourself in the picking up business, constantly study and adjust your location to take advantage of traffic patterns and sight lines accordingly.
befriend the bartender/barmaid
Buy him or her a shot at the beginning of the night to get on his or her good side. This will help you get faster service when you want to buy a woman a drink, or just want to order for her to be chivalrous. Being connected, especially at a hot club, also makes you look like a big shot, which can only help your chances. Who knows, you may just wind up picking up the barmaid instead.
forget the canned icebreakers
Pickup lines are lame. Women consistently rank honesty and a sense of humor very highly as desirable qualities in a man. A pickup line seems too premeditated, which makes it seem dishonest, and to women, dishonesty is threatening, not funny. So do yourself a favour and don’t be pathetic.
The only thing you can do to break the ice is react to or comment on the current situation, preferably in a humorous way. Humor is your fastest route in. Being in line, as explained above, is one obvious context to comment upon to someone near you - "I think I might have to cancel my retirement if this line doesn't move along" kind of thing.
Otherwise, ask her to resolve a question you and your friend were wondering (or decided to wonder for icebreaking purposes). For example, you could ask if, in her opinion, the person across the room is committing a fashion crime with his/her getup, which naturally leads to an opening compliment on your target's fashion sense, ostensibly the reason you want to know her opinion.
Get your wings, man...
Knowing the pub owner, the resident band/singers and DJ will also give you the inside track on making friends naturally via introductions. Furthermore being the friend of a mutual friend immediately gives you some credibility. Of course buying a round of drinks now and then helps to keep you firmly entrenched as a nice guy all round.
beware the abc (alligator, buaya, crocodile)
there will come a time when you’re happily chatting with your target, making good progress to testing the springs on your new dreamland mattress, when the abc will rudely interrupt you and try to “short corner” your woman.
This is where experience plays an important role. Ignore the buaya and observe the woman instead. What signal is she giving him? Is she encouraging him? Does she need rescuing? Is she playing the two of you against each other? In the end she makes the call so it’s really up to her, isn’t it?
Sometimes it’s good to charge ahead and surprise the enemy. Other times it’s good to retreat and live to fight another day. Then again you could side-step and opt out to watch from the bleachers, catch your breath and be ready to barge right in when the buaya fumbles. Or you could just go play another game nearby.
the ac/dc landmine
Another landmine on the pick-up landscape is the lesbian scenario. Two really hot chicks at the bar giving you the eye. You approach and offer to buy a drink, which they gratefully accept. While you’re making small talk they’re still fluttering their eyelashes at their next victim. He approaches and offers to buy them a drink, which they gratefully accept. You get the picture. At the end of the night they will leave hand in hand, with you standing alone at the bar scratching your huevos.
fly robin fly…
There are millions of possibilities when you've got spontaneity, confidence and humor in your corner. Be observant, and ready to strike. Not to mention having large huevos (balls in Spanish). In the worst case scenario you can always resort to the ol’ skool methods of offering your seat at the bar to that hot girl standing behind you, or lighting her cigarette to get you an opening.
Just don’t recoil like me if she says “thank you, uncle”.
