Spankin' DA Monkey - Dave Avran's blog: Tips For Nightclub Pickups

"You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the guy next to you." - Anonymous

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Tips For Nightclub Pickups

Lincoln, Dip (a friend from Kuching who owns Cat City Café) and I were in Bulldog Pub in Hartamas last night when we bumped into Adrian Doshi. Soon entertainers Sherman Tan, Colin Jensen and Gerard Singh joined us.

“Look at those mofos trying to pick up those hot girls” goes Sherman with a smirk on his face. “RM10 says they crash and burn within ten minutes.” “Make it a jug and you’re on” challenged Dip.

Crash and burn those two particular mofos did. They never gave up - they worked the room systematically trying to pick up every single female in sight before leaving empty handed when the placed closed at 3:00am.

That made me think. Quite an unusual and rare activity, actually. Me thinking, that is.

Most guys think that nightclubs are a great place for action, yet they don't seem to have much luck. Even though bars and nightclubs are ground zero for pick-up artists, being successful at it is not always as easy as it seems.

So, rather than have you waste your time figuring out the situation's basic permutations and ramifications yourself, I am happy to pass along the wisdom of my many many nights spent observing the scene during my stint in the hospitality and entertainment industry.

pick the best real estate in the nightclub scene

Remember the three fundamentals of real estate?: location, location, location? How many times have you seen hot women in a bar from afar, but were stuck at a table with your friends? You want to be mobile and ready to nonchalantly get near a woman who interests you.

You want a spot with good visibility and high traffic, so as to be able to interact with more people than if you're holed up in a booth in the corner. In the pickup game, it's also good to have an excuse for being where you are - in line for drinks at the bar, or for the restroom - so as not to look like a stalker. Consider yourself in the picking up business, constantly study and adjust your location to take advantage of traffic patterns and sight lines accordingly.

befriend the bartender/barmaid

Buy him or her a shot at the beginning of the night to get on his or her good side. This will help you get faster service when you want to buy a woman a drink, or just want to order for her to be chivalrous. Being connected, especially at a hot club, also makes you look like a big shot, which can only help your chances. Who knows, you may just wind up picking up the barmaid instead.

forget the canned icebreakers

Pickup lines are lame. Women consistently rank honesty and a sense of humor very highly as desirable qualities in a man. A pickup line seems too premeditated, which makes it seem dishonest, and to women, dishonesty is threatening, not funny. So do yourself a favour and don’t be pathetic.

The only thing you can do to break the ice is react to or comment on the current situation, preferably in a humorous way. Humor is your fastest route in. Being in line, as explained above, is one obvious context to comment upon to someone near you - "I think I might have to cancel my retirement if this line doesn't move along" kind of thing.

Otherwise, ask her to resolve a question you and your friend were wondering (or decided to wonder for icebreaking purposes). For example, you could ask if, in her opinion, the person across the room is committing a fashion crime with his/her getup, which naturally leads to an opening compliment on your target's fashion sense, ostensibly the reason you want to know her opinion.

Get your wings, man...

Knowing the pub owner, the resident band/singers and DJ will also give you the inside track on making friends naturally via introductions. Furthermore being the friend of a mutual friend immediately gives you some credibility. Of course buying a round of drinks now and then helps to keep you firmly entrenched as a nice guy all round.

beware the abc (alligator, buaya, crocodile)

there will come a time when you’re happily chatting with your target, making good progress to testing the springs on your new dreamland mattress, when the abc will rudely interrupt you and try to “short corner” your woman.

This is where experience plays an important role. Ignore the buaya and observe the woman instead. What signal is she giving him? Is she encouraging him? Does she need rescuing? Is she playing the two of you against each other? In the end she makes the call so it’s really up to her, isn’t it?

Sometimes it’s good to charge ahead and surprise the enemy. Other times it’s good to retreat and live to fight another day. Then again you could side-step and opt out to watch from the bleachers, catch your breath and be ready to barge right in when the buaya fumbles. Or you could just go play another game nearby.

the ac/dc landmine

Another landmine on the pick-up landscape is the lesbian scenario. Two really hot chicks at the bar giving you the eye. You approach and offer to buy a drink, which they gratefully accept. While you’re making small talk they’re still fluttering their eyelashes at their next victim. He approaches and offers to buy them a drink, which they gratefully accept. You get the picture. At the end of the night they will leave hand in hand, with you standing alone at the bar scratching your huevos.

fly robin fly…

There are millions of possibilities when you've got spontaneity, confidence and humor in your corner. Be observant, and ready to strike. Not to mention having large huevos (balls in Spanish). In the worst case scenario you can always resort to the ol’ skool methods of offering your seat at the bar to that hot girl standing behind you, or lighting her cigarette to get you an opening.

Just don’t recoil like me if she says “thank you, uncle”.

Posted by: Dave Avran / 7:08 PM

Comments:

thank you, uncle!
now i know why you are always at the bar. nice single malt, nice wine, nice girl the other day.

# posted by

Anonymous : 12:23 PM

harhahar, u got me - j-man. guilty as charged! i struck out at the end, tho...sob sob.

dave

# posted by

Anonymous : 12:56 PM

Izzat really a photo of the lezzies at Bulldog?

- nick

# posted by

Anonymous : 12:58 PM

get real, man. what are they doing half-nekkid at bulldog?

dave

# posted by

Dave Avran : 12:59 PM

Dave what on earth is a mofo?
stan da man

# posted by

Anonymous : 1:05 PM

i hate to burst your bubble dude but you're hardly "da man" if you're not hip with street culture and language. mofo is short for "motherfu*ker". geddid?
dave da fav brave slave

# posted by

Dave Avran : 1:07 PM

funny that, some guy bought me a drink some time ago, n that pissed me off. sent it right back. might not work for ALL ladies, dave. cant generalised them either. :)

# posted by

Anonymous : 1:30 PM

brother, u gotta stop hanging out so much in pubs and clubs (hoping to pick up girls) ...can i recommend u dating agencies instead? dave da brave slave, time to come out from the cave!

Mrs.Smith

# posted by

Anonymous : 1:34 PM

>>yvy: not generalising, would never dare to do that - just my humble opinion.
>>mrs smith: good one - touche. like your rhymin'. lemme know when your rap album comes out. hee hee.
- dave

# posted by

Dave Avran : 7:16 PM

You think you got problems? We girls also face problems by getting "misled" by good looking gay guys.

sheena

# posted by

Anonymous : 7:19 PM

hahaha!! at least u know where not to tread, my dear man. very ise indeed. :)

# posted by

Anonymous : 10:28 AM

the next time you find urself in bulldog or the sri (not desa) hartamas area, beep. chewing the fat on a lazy weekday would be nice.

# posted by

Darth Perfidious : 1:07 PM

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Sunday, December 04, 2005

Tips For Nightclub Pickups