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"You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the guy next to you." - Anonymous
Monday, January 23, 2006
Chinese New Year Survival Kit
Here's what you will need to put into your very own Chinese New Year Survival Kit:
1) Stock up with at least 20 pirated dvds from Petaling Street
2) Stock up on Panadol and Eno stomach reliever
3) Get ready to gamble all your Ang Pow money away
4) Get ready to entertain visiting relatives from hell
5) Get ready to be watch countless Jackie Chan reruns on TV.
6) Escape! Book a flight to a country which does not celebrate CNY! Paris, Vienna, Stockholm, Munich, Cairo, Buenos Aires, Rio, Istanbul The whole world beckons.
Just flee from the entanglements of tradition, superstition and the endless dos and don’ts more rigid than the 10 commandments! Here are some humorous anecdotes about Chinese New Year dos and don’ts:
A) single and husband hunting? Go to the Penang esplanade on Chap Goh Mei, the 15th day of the new year and throw an orange into the sea. There will be a gaggle of young men waiting to pick them up - the tradition is that the poor sod who picks up the orange you threw has to marry you so be careful guys, and happy spouse hunting.
B) are you a demon of a child? Be an absolute terror on new year’s day as tradition dictates that mum and dad can’t spank you - it is inauspicious to do so. Litter your room, throw a tantrum, turn up the mp3 player to full volume! But beware! Retribution is at hand as the no scolding no spanking policy only applies to day 1. Dad will exact revenge tomorrow but then you can always scream child abuse. It is the 21st century after all!
C) have you been positively sinful all year round’? Did not practice safe Sex’? Slept with the boss's wife’? Forgot to declare all your income tax? Drank and drove a car and was not stopped’? Well the kitchen god has been observing you all year and is going to report all your misdeeds to the emperor god in the sky. Not to worry, put a sticky new year cake (nien ko) in the kitchen on new year’s eve - the greedy bugger will devour it resulting in his false teeth being stuck together and your misdeeds go unreported.
D) It is new year’s day and you have’nt cleaned up your bachelor pad? The living room is littered with mouldy cans of Budweiser, used condoms, ex girlfriend's lingerie and year- old pizza that has grown alive? Not to worry, when mom and dad visit tell them that it is bad luck to clean up on the first day of new year as you might sweep away all the luck (yes guys all that muck represents luck) Come day two you are allowed to spring clean but mom would have sent the Philippino maid to do the necessary so even then you still don’t have to lift a finger.
1) Stock up with at least 20 pirated dvds from Petaling Street
2) Stock up on Panadol and Eno stomach reliever
3) Get ready to gamble all your Ang Pow money away
4) Get ready to entertain visiting relatives from hell
5) Get ready to be watch countless Jackie Chan reruns on TV.
6) Escape! Book a flight to a country which does not celebrate CNY! Paris, Vienna, Stockholm, Munich, Cairo, Buenos Aires, Rio, Istanbul The whole world beckons.
Just flee from the entanglements of tradition, superstition and the endless dos and don’ts more rigid than the 10 commandments! Here are some humorous anecdotes about Chinese New Year dos and don’ts:
A) single and husband hunting? Go to the Penang esplanade on Chap Goh Mei, the 15th day of the new year and throw an orange into the sea. There will be a gaggle of young men waiting to pick them up - the tradition is that the poor sod who picks up the orange you threw has to marry you so be careful guys, and happy spouse hunting.
B) are you a demon of a child? Be an absolute terror on new year’s day as tradition dictates that mum and dad can’t spank you - it is inauspicious to do so. Litter your room, throw a tantrum, turn up the mp3 player to full volume! But beware! Retribution is at hand as the no scolding no spanking policy only applies to day 1. Dad will exact revenge tomorrow but then you can always scream child abuse. It is the 21st century after all!
C) have you been positively sinful all year round’? Did not practice safe Sex’? Slept with the boss's wife’? Forgot to declare all your income tax? Drank and drove a car and was not stopped’? Well the kitchen god has been observing you all year and is going to report all your misdeeds to the emperor god in the sky. Not to worry, put a sticky new year cake (nien ko) in the kitchen on new year’s eve - the greedy bugger will devour it resulting in his false teeth being stuck together and your misdeeds go unreported.
D) It is new year’s day and you have’nt cleaned up your bachelor pad? The living room is littered with mouldy cans of Budweiser, used condoms, ex girlfriend's lingerie and year- old pizza that has grown alive? Not to worry, when mom and dad visit tell them that it is bad luck to clean up on the first day of new year as you might sweep away all the luck (yes guys all that muck represents luck) Come day two you are allowed to spring clean but mom would have sent the Philippino maid to do the necessary so even then you still don’t have to lift a finger.
Gong Xi Fa Cai everyone.
Friday, January 13, 2006
The slippery, slimy DJ Gay Boy with DJ Shorty Woof Woof in the background.
TRUTH, JUSTICE & THE CLUBBING WAY OF LIFE – BATTLE OF THE DJs
The following article is written as an exercise in catharsis and is meant as an “insider” joke. Fret not if you don’t get it – I assure you that the people it’s meant for will certainly “get it”. Just sit back and enjoy the article for what it is – a little bit of fluffy entertainment in an otherwise stressful shitty world. cheers - Dave
Hoots of derision, laughter and cries of “Gay Boy in da house!, Gay Boy in da house!” filled the air at the Extra Gory Mayhem (EGM) discotheque as DJ Gay Boy and his team of Shorty Woof Woof, Slide Bark Bark, Don Arseman and veteran DJ Yada Saja entered and made their way to the exclusive members lounge known as the General Chaos (GC).
The cries soon changed to clapping as the crowd started chanting “The President is here!” referring to the nick-name of the gangly, rugged, bearded and pony-tailed DJ Mentally Superior Dude (MSD) leading his team of DJs to the GC lounge for the great showdown on that fateful February 19th.
“We want the truth! We want justice! May the best DJ win!” was repeated over and over again by the people who jam packed the EGM, filling it to the brim and threatening to overflow outside the club premises. The Bartenders were having a hard time filling drink orders fast enough and the Waiters were having an equally hard time navigating through the wall of bodies.
As soon as Chief Judge DJ Ghoul Lam announced the DJ competition open, veteran DJs DoReMi Puddingcherry and DJ Shiver Logger Nathan announced their intention to take part as well. “Sorry dudes”, boomed Ghoul Lam’s voice over the mike - “one of you is three times over the age limit and the other is wearing white socks. Both disqualified!”
With that dramatic start, DJ Gay Boy made his way to the podium featuring the latest state of the art Pioneer double decks. With a flourish, he pulled a 12 inch vinyl from his battered brown Samsonite bag, flipped it twice in the air and landed it neatly on the deck, accurately pinned the diamond needle on the track and wafted the strains of the melodic house hit “Interference” over the speakers.
Not to be outdone, DJ MSD held the right earphone to his ear while he queued his maiden song. He unleashed the funky house "Stop Credit” and managed to get some people dancing on the floor. DJ Gay countered with his signature song “Warning Letter (reply by 5pm)” and also managed to get a few people boogeying. DJ Gas (team MSD) then upped the ante as he worked the knobs and buttons on the deck to increase the beat count with the remix “Seriel Defaulter” with its catchy bass line.
DJ Shorty Woof Woof (team Gay Boy) was quick to jump in the fray as he attempted to outdo DJ Gas by playing “Nobody Told Me”. However, by increasing the volume to deafening levels and trying to impress with some scratching, he just irritated everyone present with his noise.
Quick to take advantage of the shift in crowd’s mood, DJ Jam Al (team MSD) took over the controls and smoothly mixed in the Latin influenced infectious housy number “Joo Been Summoned” followed by the catchy dance track “Circular Re-Re-Resolution” bringing the crowd flocking to the dance floor.
DJ Yada’s (team Gay Boy)self-produced attempt “Yadda Yadda” crashed and burned miserably as the crowd didn’t understand the genre of music, and he was forced to apologise and turn the decks over to DJs Slide Bark Bark and Don Arseman (team Gay Boy), whose choice of the jarring and repetitive trance hit “Why Why Why” also didn’t augur well with the crowd.
By now it was clear that team MSD were the winners but that didn’t stop them from spinning their awesome tracks, continuing their musical bliss with the tribal sounds of “New Constipation” , “Rule 21 Rocks” and finally “Puppet President” to an appreciative, exhausted and dripping wet with sweat dance crowd.
In the end, it was DJ Ghoul Lam ‘s booming voice that put an end to the festivities as he announced over the mike “ If you jokers don’t go home right now and end the party, I’ll be forced to sue!”
Hoots of derision, laughter and cries of “Gay Boy in da house!, Gay Boy in da house!” filled the air at the Extra Gory Mayhem (EGM) discotheque as DJ Gay Boy and his team of Shorty Woof Woof, Slide Bark Bark, Don Arseman and veteran DJ Yada Saja entered and made their way to the exclusive members lounge known as the General Chaos (GC).
The cries soon changed to clapping as the crowd started chanting “The President is here!” referring to the nick-name of the gangly, rugged, bearded and pony-tailed DJ Mentally Superior Dude (MSD) leading his team of DJs to the GC lounge for the great showdown on that fateful February 19th.
“We want the truth! We want justice! May the best DJ win!” was repeated over and over again by the people who jam packed the EGM, filling it to the brim and threatening to overflow outside the club premises. The Bartenders were having a hard time filling drink orders fast enough and the Waiters were having an equally hard time navigating through the wall of bodies.
As soon as Chief Judge DJ Ghoul Lam announced the DJ competition open, veteran DJs DoReMi Puddingcherry and DJ Shiver Logger Nathan announced their intention to take part as well. “Sorry dudes”, boomed Ghoul Lam’s voice over the mike - “one of you is three times over the age limit and the other is wearing white socks. Both disqualified!”
With that dramatic start, DJ Gay Boy made his way to the podium featuring the latest state of the art Pioneer double decks. With a flourish, he pulled a 12 inch vinyl from his battered brown Samsonite bag, flipped it twice in the air and landed it neatly on the deck, accurately pinned the diamond needle on the track and wafted the strains of the melodic house hit “Interference” over the speakers.
Not to be outdone, DJ MSD held the right earphone to his ear while he queued his maiden song. He unleashed the funky house "Stop Credit” and managed to get some people dancing on the floor. DJ Gay countered with his signature song “Warning Letter (reply by 5pm)” and also managed to get a few people boogeying. DJ Gas (team MSD) then upped the ante as he worked the knobs and buttons on the deck to increase the beat count with the remix “Seriel Defaulter” with its catchy bass line.
DJ Shorty Woof Woof (team Gay Boy) was quick to jump in the fray as he attempted to outdo DJ Gas by playing “Nobody Told Me”. However, by increasing the volume to deafening levels and trying to impress with some scratching, he just irritated everyone present with his noise.
Quick to take advantage of the shift in crowd’s mood, DJ Jam Al (team MSD) took over the controls and smoothly mixed in the Latin influenced infectious housy number “Joo Been Summoned” followed by the catchy dance track “Circular Re-Re-Resolution” bringing the crowd flocking to the dance floor.
DJ Yada’s (team Gay Boy)self-produced attempt “Yadda Yadda” crashed and burned miserably as the crowd didn’t understand the genre of music, and he was forced to apologise and turn the decks over to DJs Slide Bark Bark and Don Arseman (team Gay Boy), whose choice of the jarring and repetitive trance hit “Why Why Why” also didn’t augur well with the crowd.
By now it was clear that team MSD were the winners but that didn’t stop them from spinning their awesome tracks, continuing their musical bliss with the tribal sounds of “New Constipation” , “Rule 21 Rocks” and finally “Puppet President” to an appreciative, exhausted and dripping wet with sweat dance crowd.
In the end, it was DJ Ghoul Lam ‘s booming voice that put an end to the festivities as he announced over the mike “ If you jokers don’t go home right now and end the party, I’ll be forced to sue!”
AN OPEN LETTER FROM THE 21ST CENTURY SANTA CLAUS
Greetings All My Children,
Normally, at this time of year, I get endless requests from all the good girls and boys for a great deal of toys and goodies. Let me say a few things that may help you narrow your lists down this year.
First of all, I cannot get your Mommy and Daddy to love each other again. Every year I get thousands of letters asking me to fill this Christmas wish, but there is nothing I can do about it. Your Mommy and Daddy got divorced because they hate you, and no matter what they say, it’s all your fault. It's time to grow up a little and face your demons. A life filled with alcohol and empty experiences is all you are going to get this Christmas.
Secondly, oh my God, is your mom hot! For once, how about letting Santa get his Christmas jollies? I promise, that for every kid who drugs his Mom and leaves her by the
tree beside the milk and cookies, I will leave a gift certificate for RM1000 to Toys-R-Us. See kids, it’s about time you learn about the adult world - you give a little, you get a little.
And finally, to make your Christmas extra special, sneak home from school at lunch, take out the brand new digital camera that you bought Daddy for Christmas. Wait outside and take pictures of the hunky tennis coach leaving your house by the back door. Then get the pictures developed and give them to your parents for Christmas. I guarantee that this will be one Christmas that you will never forget.
The great thing is that from now on, you will get two full sets of birthday and Christmas presents, not to mention great holidays, as your parents fight for your love after their bitter divorce.
I really hope that this advice helps you this Christmas season, and remember Christmas is the time to seek revenge on all the people that did you wrong during the year.
Merry Christmas.
Santa Dave Avran Claus
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Joe Flizzow of Too Phat, Sheridan & Nini. Photo Credit: JD
Why are these amynesiacs so bloody happy? Photo credit: JD
spotted her spotting me, so I shot her with my camera...
amNYEsia
How do you follow-up a party like ROC LE MANSION? (see post below) Simple – you organize amNYEsia. Done by the same influential club socialites who did “The Birthday Party” titled events in 2003 and 2005 held in Sobranie Cinema / Café Citron off Jalan Stonor, Kuala Lumpur. The Birthday Parties were attended by the who’s who of the KL clubbing and social scene. These mega successful events are still much talked about as the birthday parties to beat even until today.
More than 400 future rich and influential people turned up for amNYEsia 2005. If you wondered where some of the regular high rollers and beautiful women usually seen in the VIP sections of clubs like Velvet Underground, Cynna, Sugar and The Loft were on new year’s eve, they were all partying at amNYEsia.
I spotted celebrities such as Gol and Gincu lead actor Ashraf Sinclair, model and host Shamser Sidhu, Sazzy Falak of Beat TV, model Hannah Loh, Pillow Talk host Jojo Struys, 8TV hosts Marion Caunter and Adam Carruthers, Miss Malaysia runner-up Chermaine Poo, Miss Chinese International 2005 Jolene Chin, MTV hosts and model twins May and Choy Wan among the star-studded line up of guests that mingled with us common villagers.
The venue was converted into an indoor and outdoor garden party under the stars with a breathtaking view of the fireworks at KLCC. The guest list was strictly by qualification of friendship to the organisers and recognised VIPs or beauties in the clubbing social circle. A few notable guests and gorgeous ladies without tickets were denied entry and attempted to pull strings to get in. Yes - it was that exclusive.
amNYEsia pre-sale tickets (RM100 for ladies and RM150 for men) were sought after even before the event, as they quickly sold out within a few days. Marketing was done via the online community on Friendster, SMS and via word of mouth. With an open bar and free flow on all beverages until late in the morning and a lavish RM250 dinner package thrown in by Café Citron, attendees had a great time celebrating NYE amongst familiar friends and faces.
The music was upbeat fresh and funky keeping everyone dancing indoor and outdoor in the garden. DJ duo, Mr Q (one time resident DJ at the White Room in Bangsar) and International DJ Miska with his funky blonde dreadlocks kept the crowd going as they both took turns at the decks with deep house. Then another DJ combination of the famous Jungle Jerry and JD took to helm together dropping a recipe of infectious tribal electro beats and fusing memorable club classic anthems from the likes of Moloko, White Stripes and Stardust keeping the crowd truly entertained as they surprised with each following track.
Jerry came fresh from DJ’ing at the outdoor UCountdown party at 1-Utama while JD rushed all the way back to KL after spinning at the Celcom Xpax 3G street party in Johor Bahru, just to make it for their set at amNYEsia.
The amNYEsia multimedia tagline summed it succintly - “We dare you to forget”.
