Spankin' DA Monkey - Dave Avran's blog: AN OPEN LETTER FROM THE 21ST CENTURY SANTA CLAUS

"You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the guy next to you." - Anonymous

Friday, January 13, 2006

AN OPEN LETTER FROM THE 21ST CENTURY SANTA CLAUS

Greetings All My Children,

Normally, at this time of year, I get endless requests from all the good girls and boys for a great deal of toys and goodies. Let me say a few things that may help you narrow your lists down this year.

First of all, I cannot get your Mommy and Daddy to love each other again. Every year I get thousands of letters asking me to fill this Christmas wish, but there is nothing I can do about it. Your Mommy and Daddy got divorced because they hate you, and no matter what they say, it’s all your fault. It's time to grow up a little and face your demons. A life filled with alcohol and empty experiences is all you are going to get this Christmas.

Secondly, oh my God, is your mom hot! For once, how about letting Santa get his Christmas jollies? I promise, that for every kid who drugs his Mom and leaves her by the
tree beside the milk and cookies, I will leave a gift certificate for RM1000 to Toys-R-Us. See kids, it’s about time you learn about the adult world - you give a little, you get a little.

And finally, to make your Christmas extra special, sneak home from school at lunch, take out the brand new digital camera that you bought Daddy for Christmas. Wait outside and take pictures of the hunky tennis coach leaving your house by the back door. Then get the pictures developed and give them to your parents for Christmas. I guarantee that this will be one Christmas that you will never forget.

The great thing is that from now on, you will get two full sets of birthday and Christmas presents, not to mention great holidays, as your parents fight for your love after their bitter divorce.

I really hope that this advice helps you this Christmas season, and remember Christmas is the time to seek revenge on all the people that did you wrong during the year.

Merry Christmas.

Santa Dave Avran Claus

Posted by: Dave Avran / 12:05 AM

Comments:

Thank you, I never believed in Santa till now. Heh Heh.

enjoyed ur writings so far. :)

# posted by

Fara : 1:19 AM

I've said it before and I'll say it again - you're one twisted mofo. I like!
- the stoned musician

# posted by

Anonymous : 4:22 AM

Trust you to thrash an institution like Santa. Sigh...Dave,Dave...may God have mercy on your soul.
Patricia Pereira

# posted by

Anonymous : 4:25 AM

hey pat,i tried talking to this god dude many times but i keep getting a busy tone.How?
- dave avran

# posted by

Dave Avran : 4:27 AM

Mwahahahaha. I like your Santa!
- Resh

# posted by

Anonymous : 4:28 AM

Woah! A kinky Santa no less. Nobody but you Dave, nobody but bad boy Dave. har har har.
- Rodney

# posted by

Anonymous : 4:30 AM

You have destroyed a childhood institution. Shame on you!
p/s my Mum's drugged out on Prozac and lying unconscious beside the milk. Where's my RM1ooo voucher?
Catherine Chee

# posted by

Anonymous : 4:33 AM

If only we could figure out how your mind works we could bottle it and sell it to the Iraqis and make a fortune.
- Ziggy

# posted by

Anonymous : 4:35 AM

Dave, I am shocked that you can offer such advice to children.By the way, must it be a digital camera or can I use an SLR as well?
- Theresa Teo (11 years old)

# posted by

Anonymous : 4:39 AM

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Friday, January 13, 2006

AN OPEN LETTER FROM THE 21ST CENTURY SANTA CLAUS