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Monday, January 23, 2006

Chinese New Year Survival Kit

Here's what you will need to put into your very own Chinese New Year Survival Kit:

1) Stock up with at least 20 pirated dvds from Petaling Street
2) Stock up on Panadol and Eno stomach reliever
3) Get ready to gamble all your Ang Pow money away
4) Get ready to entertain visiting relatives from hell
5) Get ready to be watch countless Jackie Chan reruns on TV.
6) Escape! Book a flight to a country which does not cele­brate CNY! Paris, Vienna, Stockholm, Munich, Cairo, Buenos Aires, Rio, Istanbul The whole world beckons.

Just flee from the entanglements of tradition, superstition and the endless dos and don’ts more rigid than the 10 commandments! Here are some humorous anecdotes about Chinese New Year dos and don’ts:

A) single and husband hunting? Go to the Penang esplanade on Chap Goh Mei, the 15th day of the new year and throw an orange into the sea. There will be a gaggle of young men waiting to pick them up - the tradition is that the poor sod who picks up the orange you threw has to marry you so be careful guys, and happy spouse hunting.

B) are you a demon of a child? Be an absolute terror on new year’s day as tradition dictates that mum and dad can’t spank you - it is inauspicious to do so. Litter your room, throw a tantrum, turn up the mp3 player to full vol­ume! But beware! Retribution is at hand as the no scold­ing no spanking policy only applies to day 1. Dad will exact revenge tomorrow but then you can always scream child abuse. It is the 21st century after all!

C) have you been positively sinful all year round’? Did not practice safe Sex’? Slept with the boss's wife’? Forgot to declare all your income tax? Drank and drove a car and was not stopped’? Well the kitchen god has been observing you all year and is going to report all your misdeeds to the emperor god in the sky. Not to worry, put a sticky new year cake (nien ko) in the kitchen on new year’s eve - the greedy bugger will devour it resulting in his false teeth being stuck together and your misdeeds go unreported.

D) It is new year’s day and you have’nt cleaned up your bachelor pad? The living room is littered with mouldy cans of Budweiser, used condoms, ex girlfriend's lingerie and year- old pizza that has grown alive? Not to worry, when mom and dad visit tell them that it is bad luck to clean up on the first day of new year as you might sweep away all the luck (yes guys all that muck represents luck) Come day two you are allowed to spring clean but mom would have sent the Philippino maid to do the necessary so even then you still don’t have to lift a finger.
Gong Xi Fa Cai everyone.
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Comments:
hey... am in UK now... trying to keep myself updated with life back home. miss talking to you... thanks for the CNY thingy... forgot it was next week! Crappest! I am going to miss out on all the ang pows!

^_^
 
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