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"You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the guy next to you." - Anonymous
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Holiday Gift Ideas for Clueless Dudes
Shopping for a woman does not have to be like pinning the tail on the donkey. As with everything we procrastinate with, men tend to be last-minute shoppers.
I found this website the other day while searching for an easy out. The slogan “because guys can’t shop…” might be offensive if it weren’t so damn true, at least for a lot of us. I hate to generalize. Your woman’s metro sexual and gay friends will probably give her the perfect gift, which puts more pressure on us average Joes to measure up.
It isn’t that men are lazy or don’t really care enough to make a gift special. We just need help. Our caveman genes are programmed to go kill something to drag back to eat, not to accessorize.
The holidays bring plenty for guys to look forward to – mistletoe and office Christmas parties come to mind – but for some of us, the process of gift-buying also brings mild anxiety.
I don’t know about you, Casanova, but I was not born with the shopping gene.
We face a moment of truth every year: This could be another Christmas when she fakes graciousness after opening your gift (which she will later openly mock in front of her girlfriends) or the Christmas she’ll never forget because you hit the nail right on the head. Even so, before you know it, Valentine’s Day will come around and there we go again.
From my experience, there seem to be some basic rules when it comes to shopping for women. First, if a gift costs an obscene amount of money for something very tiny but also very sparkly, they seem to really like that.
Secondly, if the gift demonstrates that you put some thought into it, it goes over big. And “putting some thought into it” does not necessarily mean busting your ass to spread rose pedals throughout the house in some grand romantic gesture.
Thirdly, don’t buy a woman something practical. Like a new vacuum cleaner – unless that’s what she wants.
Fourth, if you dare to buy her clothes, beware. Too small makes her feel fat. Too big makes her think you think she’s fat. Check the label on an outfit she just wore if you aren’t sure. And make sure it is something she can wear out in public because women are such show-offs. Make sure you are keeping with the hot trends because you don’t want your gift of fashion to be “so last season.”
Fifth, never give a woman a hand-made gift certificate for something like a home-made massage. She’ll always love if you offer to give her a massage, but this is serious gift-giving time. It is too easy for you to procrastinate whenever she hints that she wants a home-made gift certificate redeemed.
Pay cash money to a professional masseuse for a professional massage to be redeemed – and not the masseuse from Chinatown who does your “full body” job either! Pamper her with something like a day at the spa. For women, it’s like getting to sit around the house all day watching football and looking at dirty magazines.
Sixth, be attuned to the senses. Candles are a good idea or perhaps something else that looks, feels, smells, or tastes luxurious. Don't give her a box of chocolates if she's trying to shed her love handles.
Finally, when in doubt, get an opinion from your sister or mom or some other female who can clue you in.
I found this website the other day while searching for an easy out. The slogan “because guys can’t shop…” might be offensive if it weren’t so damn true, at least for a lot of us. I hate to generalize. Your woman’s metro sexual and gay friends will probably give her the perfect gift, which puts more pressure on us average Joes to measure up.
It isn’t that men are lazy or don’t really care enough to make a gift special. We just need help. Our caveman genes are programmed to go kill something to drag back to eat, not to accessorize.
The holidays bring plenty for guys to look forward to – mistletoe and office Christmas parties come to mind – but for some of us, the process of gift-buying also brings mild anxiety.
I don’t know about you, Casanova, but I was not born with the shopping gene.
We face a moment of truth every year: This could be another Christmas when she fakes graciousness after opening your gift (which she will later openly mock in front of her girlfriends) or the Christmas she’ll never forget because you hit the nail right on the head. Even so, before you know it, Valentine’s Day will come around and there we go again.
From my experience, there seem to be some basic rules when it comes to shopping for women. First, if a gift costs an obscene amount of money for something very tiny but also very sparkly, they seem to really like that.
Secondly, if the gift demonstrates that you put some thought into it, it goes over big. And “putting some thought into it” does not necessarily mean busting your ass to spread rose pedals throughout the house in some grand romantic gesture.
Thirdly, don’t buy a woman something practical. Like a new vacuum cleaner – unless that’s what she wants.
Fourth, if you dare to buy her clothes, beware. Too small makes her feel fat. Too big makes her think you think she’s fat. Check the label on an outfit she just wore if you aren’t sure. And make sure it is something she can wear out in public because women are such show-offs. Make sure you are keeping with the hot trends because you don’t want your gift of fashion to be “so last season.”
Fifth, never give a woman a hand-made gift certificate for something like a home-made massage. She’ll always love if you offer to give her a massage, but this is serious gift-giving time. It is too easy for you to procrastinate whenever she hints that she wants a home-made gift certificate redeemed.
Pay cash money to a professional masseuse for a professional massage to be redeemed – and not the masseuse from Chinatown who does your “full body” job either! Pamper her with something like a day at the spa. For women, it’s like getting to sit around the house all day watching football and looking at dirty magazines.
Sixth, be attuned to the senses. Candles are a good idea or perhaps something else that looks, feels, smells, or tastes luxurious. Don't give her a box of chocolates if she's trying to shed her love handles.
Finally, when in doubt, get an opinion from your sister or mom or some other female who can clue you in.
Comments:
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you should be SO glad u arent buying me any gifts. even I dont know what i want, i dunno how other ppl are going to buy me stuff (if they are planning to, which i doubt). pity my poor fiance. lol =P
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