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"You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the guy next to you." - Anonymous
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Santa Claus Arrested!
As 2007 comes to an end, it seems the bad news is not going to stop. Not long after God retired, Children everywhere may be in for a nasty surprise on Christmas morning. The North Pole Daily has reported that Santa has been arrested during a fly over practice run over Washington D.C. It seems the CIA were getting increasingly uncomfortable with the huge crowds generated wherever Santa went.
Santa's sleigh was escorted down via fighter jets hastily scrambled to stop the jolly red man from possibly disseminating seditious speech. Santa is now detained in an undisclosed location. A White House news conference announced that America is now safe from the threat of violent mass gatherings from spreading nationwide on Santa's annual Christmas Eve trek.
Santa has been added to the Terrorism Watch List. Mrs. Claus and the children were added to the list too. His friend Dasher the Reindeer tried to bite an agent who was handcuffing Santa; while Rudolph suffered a bloody red nose as a result of the fracas. Both Reindeer have been tested for drug use and charged with assault and put on the Federal No Fly list until further notice.
When CIA and later the FBI tried to get Santa to talk about what he had planned for his flights over Washington he refused to talk and instead sang "Let it Snow" in a loud, joyful voice. Feds attempted to interrogate Santa using the latest water boarding techniques but his excess weight gave his so much buoyancy they could not keep him under water.
After raiding the North Pole workshop and confiscating Santa’s computers, the feds added the following charges to their Investigation - multiple incidences of breaking and entering via chimney, multiple incidences of espionage by spying whether children were bad or good (and checking the list twice), copyright and patent infringements on cheap China-made toys, multiple counts of child labor violations, multiple counts of child molestation by seating them on his lap, driving with an overloaded sleigh and cruelty to animals, particularly Reindeer.
"How do you plead?" asked the feds. “I protest. My workshop is run by Elves, not children.” said Santa.
"How do you plead to the rest of the charges?" asked the feds. "Ho Ho Ho" was the only answer. Then Santa requested for a lawyer from anywhere in the world except Malaysia..
It is the morning of Christmas Eve and liberals and human rights organizations worldwide are frantically working to get Santa released in time for his annual flight to deliver gifts. Condoleeza Rice’s holiday shopping was interrupted by a woman who accosted her in Bloomingdales and waved her blood red hands in Condi's face. The woman was wearing a pink t-shirt that said "Free Santa."
The Federation of Toy Manufacturers has staged a protest in front of the White House. Thousands of members were chanting "Free Santa" and waving Impeach Bush signs. A group known as Mothers for Santa (MofoSa) has taken out an ad in the New York Times demanding Santa's release and castigating Bush for Santa abuse.
When approached for a statement, Malaysian Prime Minister Dato’ Seri Abdullah Haji Ahmad Badawi issued a statement that his government required time to study the full impact of this new development as Santa was not recognized by Islam. Besides, Khairy is not around. He is still overseas, dammit! Said the PM.
Meanwhile, the Hindu Rights Action Force (Hindraf) has announced that it will deliver a memorandum to the American Embassy claiming US117 trillion in damages for undelivered gifts to underprivileged Indian Christian children in Malaysia.
Mothers everywhere are frantically shopping for cookies and milk for their children to put out for Santa. They pray for Santa's safety and hope Santa is released soon so the kids will awake to the tradition of presents under the tree from Santa. CNN has a big question mark under their headline "Santa Tracker" that is supposed to be tracking Santa's flight from the North Pole.
The Alaskan Railroad is offering free fares to all who want to travel up to the North Pole to comfort Mrs. Claus in her time of need.
As 2007 comes to an end, it seems the bad news is not going to stop. Not long after God retired, Children everywhere may be in for a nasty surprise on Christmas morning. The North Pole Daily has reported that Santa has been arrested during a fly over practice run over Washington D.C. It seems the CIA were getting increasingly uncomfortable with the huge crowds generated wherever Santa went.
Santa's sleigh was escorted down via fighter jets hastily scrambled to stop the jolly red man from possibly disseminating seditious speech. Santa is now detained in an undisclosed location. A White House news conference announced that America is now safe from the threat of violent mass gatherings from spreading nationwide on Santa's annual Christmas Eve trek.
Santa has been added to the Terrorism Watch List. Mrs. Claus and the children were added to the list too. His friend Dasher the Reindeer tried to bite an agent who was handcuffing Santa; while Rudolph suffered a bloody red nose as a result of the fracas. Both Reindeer have been tested for drug use and charged with assault and put on the Federal No Fly list until further notice.
When CIA and later the FBI tried to get Santa to talk about what he had planned for his flights over Washington he refused to talk and instead sang "Let it Snow" in a loud, joyful voice. Feds attempted to interrogate Santa using the latest water boarding techniques but his excess weight gave his so much buoyancy they could not keep him under water.
After raiding the North Pole workshop and confiscating Santa’s computers, the feds added the following charges to their Investigation - multiple incidences of breaking and entering via chimney, multiple incidences of espionage by spying whether children were bad or good (and checking the list twice), copyright and patent infringements on cheap China-made toys, multiple counts of child labor violations, multiple counts of child molestation by seating them on his lap, driving with an overloaded sleigh and cruelty to animals, particularly Reindeer.
"How do you plead?" asked the feds. “I protest. My workshop is run by Elves, not children.” said Santa.
"How do you plead to the rest of the charges?" asked the feds. "Ho Ho Ho" was the only answer. Then Santa requested for a lawyer from anywhere in the world except Malaysia..
It is the morning of Christmas Eve and liberals and human rights organizations worldwide are frantically working to get Santa released in time for his annual flight to deliver gifts. Condoleeza Rice’s holiday shopping was interrupted by a woman who accosted her in Bloomingdales and waved her blood red hands in Condi's face. The woman was wearing a pink t-shirt that said "Free Santa."
The Federation of Toy Manufacturers has staged a protest in front of the White House. Thousands of members were chanting "Free Santa" and waving Impeach Bush signs. A group known as Mothers for Santa (MofoSa) has taken out an ad in the New York Times demanding Santa's release and castigating Bush for Santa abuse.
When approached for a statement, Malaysian Prime Minister Dato’ Seri Abdullah Haji Ahmad Badawi issued a statement that his government required time to study the full impact of this new development as Santa was not recognized by Islam. Besides, Khairy is not around. He is still overseas, dammit! Said the PM.
Meanwhile, the Hindu Rights Action Force (Hindraf) has announced that it will deliver a memorandum to the American Embassy claiming US117 trillion in damages for undelivered gifts to underprivileged Indian Christian children in Malaysia.
Mothers everywhere are frantically shopping for cookies and milk for their children to put out for Santa. They pray for Santa's safety and hope Santa is released soon so the kids will awake to the tradition of presents under the tree from Santa. CNN has a big question mark under their headline "Santa Tracker" that is supposed to be tracking Santa's flight from the North Pole.
The Alaskan Railroad is offering free fares to all who want to travel up to the North Pole to comfort Mrs. Claus in her time of need.
