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"You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the guy next to you." - Anonymous
Monday, February 21, 2005
Unless you live in a country so remote that you think Michael Jackson is still black and known mainly for his music, hand phones (in Asia) mobile phones (the rest of the world) and cell phones (the US, just to confuse everyone) are probably an indispensable part of your everyday life.
We all use mobile phones in the civilized world. We use them to warn loved ones when we are going to be late home from work, we use them to text a message to friends when we're unable to meet them as arranged, and we use them to contact the skank we're seeing on the side that is making us late for both the reasons above. Then we use them to dump said skank when someone better comes along or we catch something nasty.
Mobile phones, in a word, have become indispensable. We need mobile phones in the modern world just the same as we need oxygen, beer, football and sex, in that order. The phone companies have us by the balls and they know it. Except for the girls, whom they have by the nipples.
So why, I ask you, are they always offering us better and better deals?
Seriously, we've all seen the ads…
50% off calls after 7pm
5 sen per sms
25 sen per mms
free talk minutes when you purchase prepaid credit
Free horny girl with loose morals (for the guys)
Shamser sensually juggling his balls (for the girls)
The list is endless. The mobile phone companies are always offering us a better deal and what I want to know is why? Why are they offering us all these extra minutes and cheaper call deals when they know we need the phones so badly we'd pay whatever the hell they ask, whenever the hell they ask?
Ladies and Gentlemen, there is only one logical explanation…
They want us to talk more on our mobile phones because they are playing subliminal messages in the background static to control our minds.
Think about it. It's obvious, isn’t it - how else can we explain the amount of shoes women buy in an average week?
We all know that women talk more on the phone than men do, and we all know women buy a whole lot more shoes. Coincidence? I think not. The phone companies are commanding people, specifically women, to buy shoes! Poor women. What chance do their fragile female psyches stand against the power of subliminal messages? They can't even piss standing up, much less fight off strong mental manipulation. (yep, flame me for saying this)
You can imagine how it works…
Dave: "Hey sweetie, it’s Dave. What's up?"
Dave's Girl: "Oh, hi Dave. Well I…"
Mobile phone: BUY SHOEEEESSS!
Dave's Girl: "I… um… What was I talking about?"
Dave: "You were telling me what's up."
Dave's Girl: "Oh yes, well I think I'm going to KLCC to buy shoes."
Dave: "Sounds good. So we're still meeting for the movie at eight, yeah?"
DON’T UNDERSTAND SPORT AND BITCH A LOT FOR NOOO REASOOOON!
Dave's Girl: "God, you're so insensitive! If you don't understand what you've done wrong I'm not going to tell you… bitch… whine… yadda yadda."
Dave: huh? wtf??
It isn't hard to figure out the kind of messages these evil phone companies are subjecting us to.
Now this is the part of the blog where I would usually investigate the motives behind these subliminal messages and then deduce a cunning and heroic plan to thwart their evil doing. You know, a bit like Columbo, only less retarded.
But not today, dear reader, because I can actually see a value in these subliminal messages. If we can convince the phone companies to use their power for good rather than evil, perhaps by showing them Disney videos until they realise that people should all share, get along, and that loose teeth are a normal part of growing up, we might just be able to make this world a little better for all of us.
I mean, why can't subliminal messages be used for good? How about we use the technology to entice boy bands to either slash their wrists or quit, for example? Or perhaps play the alphabet repeatedly in George Bush's calls until he gains the ability to construct a legible sentence? It worked for Sylvester Stallone.
The possibilities are endless.
YOUUUU WILLLLLL REEEEAD MYYYYY BLOOOOOOG !
YOUUUU WILLLLLL REEEEAD MYYYYY BLOG REGULARYLYYYYYY!
Sunday, February 13, 2005
The Benefits of Jumping In A Lake
Kung hei fatt chye, happy valentine's and Season’s Beatings
I always have to laugh when I hear the stern warnings about drinking too much during the holidays. Considering all the anxiety and stress we have to deal with, and alcohol’s unique ability to relieve both, telling people not to drink seems a lot like telling a man engulfed in flames not to jump in a lake. Because he might, like, you know, drown.
Which of course, won’t happen, unless you’ve convinced yourself drowning is a much sweeter fate than another day at Mid Valley looking for that Valentine’s gift you know deep in your heart doesn’t really exist.
More likely you’ll just want to paddle around a little. After a long day of shopping and dealing with relatives, a handful of drinks will let you paddle out far enough so that your family and all the people giving you grief will look like tiny little ants milling around on the shore. Don’t seem so intimidating from that distance, now do they?
Of course, the aforementioned critics will attempt to diminish your fine escape by rather smugly announcing that your troubles will still be there when you wake up to find yourself hungover on the shore. It’s an age-old indictment that makes as much sense as cancelling your vacation in Langkawi because, like, you know, hey, your job will still be there when you get back.
They’re failing to grasp three very fundamental truths:
1. even a temporary escape is better than no escape at all
2. cheap alcohol is readily available in Langkawi, and
3. your relatives are not cheap to feed.
The holidays are also well known for heightening feelings of fear, loneliness, and self-doubt. Again, a trip to your favourite bar for a few drinks and hearty companionship can be a huge help.
Make a beeline for that hot babe as your fear is squelched (what’s she gonna do, throw a drink in your face?), loneliness is very nearly impossible (your only worry is that she and her equally hot friend might get into a catfight over you) and self-doubt is cast aside (as you realise with a wickedly delicious quiver down your spine that you might just end up in a threesome - yum yum).
So what if that confidence is temporary or unfounded? As Shakespeare pointed out, “‘tis better to wrongly think you’re a prince for a while, then to know for damn sure you’re a peasant who’s way out of his league.”
So when the flames of holiday anxiety and stress start lapping up around your eyeballs, take my advice and go jump in a lake.
Views expressed in this blog do not necessarily reflect the opinions of Dave Avran. In fact, I would like to take this opportunity to deny everything, Your Honor. I was never even near that lake and, what's more, that dripping wet pile of clothes are not mine and these people in the dock are most assuredly not my friends. They are merely a drunken, sopping wet unruly gang of hitchhikers I made the terrible, terrible mistake of giving a lift to. I promise to be good. Really, I swear. Trust me.
Sunday, February 06, 2005
Chinese New Year Survival Kit
The Chinese Lunar New Year is the longest chronological record in history, dating from 2600BC. Come February 9th, this Chinese New Year 4703 is the Year of the Yiyou, popularly known as the Year of the Rooster.
During the celebrations, most Chinese will exhibit behaviour mired in culture, tradition, superstition and the obsession with making obscene amounts of money, epitomizing their “work hard play hard” business ethic.
The reunion dinner is deemed compulsory for all family members - local, outstation or abroad. Grandparents, children and grandchildren will congregate to feast on the choicest of food to usher in the new year.
It has become increasingly popular among the kids to play “make the odd one out uncomfortable” as more and more “outsiders” (read foreigners, mat sallehs bodoh and Malaysians of other races, especially those who don’t speak Chinese) are joining their partners in the celebrations.
Compulsory dishes for the reunion dinner will include a whole fish (for togetherness), prawns (sounds the same as laughter in Chinese) Fatt Choy (a mushroom like vegetable, which sounds like prosperity) and oysters (prosperity again).
Other meaningful food items consumed will include waxed meat, mandarin oranges (sounds like gold) melon seeds (symbolize coins and money) and Yee Sang (confers prosperity).
The kids and unmarried adults are also given token amounts of money in red packets called ang pow/hong bao. Of course, the gambling tables set up after the dinner will rival Uncle Lim’s up the hill anytime, and annihilate any dreams of accumulated riches from ang pows.
Here’s a Chinese New Year survival kit from a seasoned sufferer:
- Buy 20 pirated dvds from Petaling Street or your favourite pasar malam stall - you won’t see their streaky blonde hair for another 15 days.
- Stock up on instant mee and canned food if you’re a bachelor like poor ‘ol me. Every shop will be shut for the next couple of days.
- Be prepared to gamble all your ang pow money away.
- Be prepared for the mother of all hangovers after you visit friends from the liquor industry.
- Be prepared for endless reruns of Jackie Chan movies on the tube. (refer 1 above for solution).
- Single and husband hunting females can head to Penang on Chap Goh Mei, the 15th day of the new year, to throw an orange into the sea. Or you could save yourself the trouble and call me on my cellphone.
- Kids are allowed to be absolute terrors on new year’s day as tradition dictates that mum and dad can’t spank them because that would be inauspicious.
- If you’ve been sinful all year round – did not practice safe sex, slept with your boss’ wife or didn’t declare your income tax, you’ve got to deal with the kitchen god, the tattletale who’s been observing you all year round. Slip the greedy bugger a nien ko (sticky cake) and his teeth will be stuck together and he won’t be able to report your misdeeds.
- Blame the mess in your bachelor pad on the new year as its considered bad luck to clean or sweep on the first day. Yes, this means the mouldy cans of Carlsberg, leftover pizza, used condoms and ex-girlfriends’ assorted lingerie.
- Spray fire retardant on your car to fire-proof it from the neighbourhood would-be arsonists’ firecrackers and rockets.
KUNG HEI FATT CHOY, EVERYONE!