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"You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the guy next to you." - Anonymous
Sunday, February 06, 2005
Chinese New Year Survival Kit
The Chinese Lunar New Year is the longest chronological record in history, dating from 2600BC. Come February 9th, this Chinese New Year 4703 is the Year of the Yiyou, popularly known as the Year of the Rooster.
During the celebrations, most Chinese will exhibit behaviour mired in culture, tradition, superstition and the obsession with making obscene amounts of money, epitomizing their “work hard play hard” business ethic.
The reunion dinner is deemed compulsory for all family members - local, outstation or abroad. Grandparents, children and grandchildren will congregate to feast on the choicest of food to usher in the new year.
It has become increasingly popular among the kids to play “make the odd one out uncomfortable” as more and more “outsiders” (read foreigners, mat sallehs bodoh and Malaysians of other races, especially those who don’t speak Chinese) are joining their partners in the celebrations.
Compulsory dishes for the reunion dinner will include a whole fish (for togetherness), prawns (sounds the same as laughter in Chinese) Fatt Choy (a mushroom like vegetable, which sounds like prosperity) and oysters (prosperity again).
Other meaningful food items consumed will include waxed meat, mandarin oranges (sounds like gold) melon seeds (symbolize coins and money) and Yee Sang (confers prosperity).
The kids and unmarried adults are also given token amounts of money in red packets called ang pow/hong bao. Of course, the gambling tables set up after the dinner will rival Uncle Lim’s up the hill anytime, and annihilate any dreams of accumulated riches from ang pows.
Here’s a Chinese New Year survival kit from a seasoned sufferer:
- Buy 20 pirated dvds from Petaling Street or your favourite pasar malam stall - you won’t see their streaky blonde hair for another 15 days.
- Stock up on instant mee and canned food if you’re a bachelor like poor ‘ol me. Every shop will be shut for the next couple of days.
- Be prepared to gamble all your ang pow money away.
- Be prepared for the mother of all hangovers after you visit friends from the liquor industry.
- Be prepared for endless reruns of Jackie Chan movies on the tube. (refer 1 above for solution).
- Single and husband hunting females can head to Penang on Chap Goh Mei, the 15th day of the new year, to throw an orange into the sea. Or you could save yourself the trouble and call me on my cellphone.
- Kids are allowed to be absolute terrors on new year’s day as tradition dictates that mum and dad can’t spank them because that would be inauspicious.
- If you’ve been sinful all year round – did not practice safe sex, slept with your boss’ wife or didn’t declare your income tax, you’ve got to deal with the kitchen god, the tattletale who’s been observing you all year round. Slip the greedy bugger a nien ko (sticky cake) and his teeth will be stuck together and he won’t be able to report your misdeeds.
- Blame the mess in your bachelor pad on the new year as its considered bad luck to clean or sweep on the first day. Yes, this means the mouldy cans of Carlsberg, leftover pizza, used condoms and ex-girlfriends’ assorted lingerie.
- Spray fire retardant on your car to fire-proof it from the neighbourhood would-be arsonists’ firecrackers and rockets.
KUNG HEI FATT CHOY, EVERYONE!
