Unless you live in a country so remote that you think Michael Jackson is still black and known mainly for his music, hand phones (in Asia) mobile phones (the rest of the world) and cell phones (the US, just to confuse everyone) are probably an indispensable part of your everyday life.

We all use mobile phones in the civilized world. We use them to warn loved ones when we are going to be late home from work, we use them to text a message to friends when we're unable to meet them as arranged, and we use them to contact the skank we're seeing on the side that is making us late for both the reasons above. Then we use them to dump said skank when someone better comes along or we catch something nasty.

Mobile phones, in a word, have become indispensable. We need mobile phones in the modern world just the same as we need oxygen, beer, football and sex, in that order. The phone companies have us by the balls and they know it. Except for the girls, whom they have by the nipples.

So why, I ask you, are they always offering us better and better deals?

Seriously, we've all seen the ads…

50% off calls after 7pm
5 sen per sms
25 sen per mms
free talk minutes when you purchase prepaid credit
Free horny girl with loose morals (for the guys)
Shamser sensually juggling his balls (for the girls)

The list is endless. The mobile phone companies are always offering us a better deal and what I want to know is why? Why are they offering us all these extra minutes and cheaper call deals when they know we need the phones so badly we'd pay whatever the hell they ask, whenever the hell they ask?

Ladies and Gentlemen, there is only one logical explanation…

They want us to talk more on our mobile phones because they are playing subliminal messages in the background static to control our minds.

Think about it. It's obvious, isn’t it - how else can we explain the amount of shoes women buy in an average week?

We all know that women talk more on the phone than men do, and we all know women buy a whole lot more shoes. Coincidence? I think not. The phone companies are commanding people, specifically women, to buy shoes! Poor women. What chance do their fragile female psyches stand against the power of subliminal messages? They can't even piss standing up, much less fight off strong mental manipulation. (yep, flame me for saying this)

You can imagine how it works…

Dave: "Hey sweetie, it’s Dave. What's up?"

Dave's Girl: "Oh, hi Dave. Well I…"

Mobile phone: BUY SHOEEEESSS!

Dave's Girl: "I… um… What was I talking about?"

BUY SHOEEEESSS!

Dave: "You were telling me what's up."

Dave's Girl: "Oh yes, well I think I'm going to KLCC to buy shoes."

Dave: "Sounds good. So we're still meeting for the movie at eight, yeah?"

DON’T UNDERSTAND SPORT AND BITCH A LOT FOR NOOO REASOOOON!

Dave's Girl: "God, you're so insensitive! If you don't understand what you've done wrong I'm not going to tell you… bitch… whine… yadda yadda."

Dave: huh? wtf??

It isn't hard to figure out the kind of messages these evil phone companies are subjecting us to.

Now this is the part of the blog where I would usually investigate the motives behind these subliminal messages and then deduce a cunning and heroic plan to thwart their evil doing. You know, a bit like Columbo, only less retarded.

But not today, dear reader, because I can actually see a value in these subliminal messages. If we can convince the phone companies to use their power for good rather than evil, perhaps by showing them Disney videos until they realise that people should all share, get along, and that loose teeth are a normal part of growing up, we might just be able to make this world a little better for all of us.

I mean, why can't subliminal messages be used for good? How about we use the technology to entice boy bands to either slash their wrists or quit, for example? Or perhaps play the alphabet repeatedly in George Bush's calls until he gains the ability to construct a legible sentence? It worked for Sylvester Stallone.

The possibilities are endless.

YOUUUU WILLLLLL REEEEAD MYYYYY BLOOOOOOG !
YOUUUU WILLLLLL REEEEAD MYYYYY BLOG REGULARYLYYYYYY!

Posted by: Dave Avran / 7:59 AM