Spankin' DA Monkey - Dave Avran's blog: The Benefits of Jumping In A Lake

"You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the guy next to you." - Anonymous

Sunday, February 13, 2005

The Benefits of Jumping In A Lake

Kung hei fatt chye, happy valentine's and Season’s Beatings

I always have to laugh when I hear the stern warnings about drinking too much during the holidays. Considering all the anxiety and stress we have to deal with, and alcohol’s unique ability to relieve both, telling people not to drink seems a lot like telling a man engulfed in flames not to jump in a lake. Because he might, like, you know, drown.

Which of course, won’t happen, unless you’ve convinced yourself drowning is a much sweeter fate than another day at Mid Valley looking for that Valentine’s gift you know deep in your heart doesn’t really exist.

More likely you’ll just want to paddle around a little. After a long day of shopping and dealing with relatives, a handful of drinks will let you paddle out far enough so that your family and all the people giving you grief will look like tiny little ants milling around on the shore. Don’t seem so intimidating from that distance, now do they?

Of course, the aforementioned critics will attempt to diminish your fine escape by rather smugly announcing that your troubles will still be there when you wake up to find yourself hungover on the shore. It’s an age-old indictment that makes as much sense as cancelling your vacation in Langkawi because, like, you know, hey, your job will still be there when you get back.

They’re failing to grasp three very fundamental truths:
1. even a temporary escape is better than no escape at all
2. cheap alcohol is readily available in Langkawi, and
3. your relatives are not cheap to feed.

The holidays are also well known for heightening feelings of fear, loneliness, and self-doubt. Again, a trip to your favourite bar for a few drinks and hearty companionship can be a huge help.

Make a beeline for that hot babe as your fear is squelched (what’s she gonna do, throw a drink in your face?), loneliness is very nearly impossible (your only worry is that she and her equally hot friend might get into a catfight over you) and self-doubt is cast aside (as you realise with a wickedly delicious quiver down your spine that you might just end up in a threesome - yum yum).

So what if that confidence is temporary or unfounded? As Shakespeare pointed out, “‘tis better to wrongly think you’re a prince for a while, then to know for damn sure you’re a peasant who’s way out of his league.”

So when the flames of holiday anxiety and stress start lapping up around your eyeballs, take my advice and go jump in a lake.

Disclaimer
Views expressed in this blog do not necessarily reflect the opinions of Dave Avran. In fact, I would like to take this opportunity to deny everything, Your Honor. I was never even near that lake and, what's more, that dripping wet pile of clothes are not mine and these people in the dock are most assuredly not my friends. They are merely a drunken, sopping wet unruly gang of hitchhikers I made the terrible, terrible mistake of giving a lift to. I promise to be good. Really, I swear. Trust me.