Spankin' DA Monkey - Dave Avran's blog: 09/01/2005

"You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the guy next to you." - Anonymous

Sunday, September 25, 2005

ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE ?

Before You Fall In Love/After You Fall In Love

H: You take my breath away
S: I feel like I’m suffocating

S: I love the way you take charge of the situation.
S: you’re controlling, demanding and manipulative.

H: Saturday Night Fever
H: Monday Night Football

S: Ohhh! Don’t Stop !
S: Jesus ! Don’t Start !

H: Is that all you’re having ?
S: You’re having salad.

H: You’re a dream come true
S: You’re living in a dream

H: We agree on everything
S: He doesn’t have a brain

S: He’s charming & noble
S: He’s as charming as Chernobyl.

H: She’s my idol. I worship her every little action.
S: He’s bloody idle. I have to whip him into action.

H: I love your curves
H: You’re not fat, honey. (Repeat this mantra continuously 24/7 for inner peace)

H: I’m lost without you
S: He’s got no direction

H: Time stood still
S: Move your f*cking ass!

H: Wine, Oysters & Stars
H: Whine, Tempers & Wars

H: I can’t believe we found each other.
S: I cant believe I ended up with a loser like you.

H: Hot and heavy passion
H: Mortgage & credit ration

H: Why don’t you buy both?
H: Aargh! New dress again?

H: Let me be your hero
S: You’re nothing but a zero

H: I lurve you sooooo much
H: Huh? What? Yeah, I love You too, honey. GOOAAAALLLL!!!

Guess who's been feeling a little neurotic lately ? Tina Turner was absolutely right – what’s love got to do with it ? If I come across like a cynical and bitter bastard, you can thank the women who have shaped my life until 2003. I haven’t allowed any female to get close to me since then. It's a long story for another day...

Posted by: Dave Avran / 11:04 PM 3 comments

Monday, September 19, 2005

Dating Tips - Kissing Women and Using Humour

Hey Dave!

I am an avid reader of your blog ...the stuff on dating literally blew me away. I also have your imaginary book "sex-ploytation" which I read when I have imaginary spare time.

Anyhow, I have a question about something I read in your blog previously that really stood out to me. It was the one about the guy who said "Can I kiss you" to a woman that was getting out of the car as he dropped her off. I thought saying "Can I kiss you?" was wussified behavior?

That didn't sound like something you can say without looking like a needy dork but the guy said it worked for him and he got the kiss anyhow. Did I miss something here? Explain that Dave. Also, have you learned of any other "Kiss Tests" like the one on your site?

- Peter F

Dave replies:

It took me probably two years of trying things before I finally realized that there was something else going on with women that no one was talking about. Finally, I realized that this something was an emotion.

Women don't meet men and say to themselves "Well, he's my physical type, he has a good job, he dresses himself pretty well, and he looks like he's good in bed... I think I'll turn on my attraction for him..."

No way, Jose.

There's something that happens to a woman, usually in an instant, that sparks the "Chemistry" or "Sexual Tension" or "Attraction". And then, if the man knows how to build that tension and amplify the emotion called attraction that the woman is feeling, there's a very good chance that they will get together.

If, on the other hand, a man does not understand this simple fact, and more importantly, how attraction works, then no magic technique in the world will work consistently for him.

I've learned that attraction is everything. In a nutshell, I think that because men are sexually attracted primarily to looks, they simply assume that women must be the same way too. Us guys just never take the time and energy to figure out what women are actually attracted to... so we act like failures with women... and they treat us like failures too.

And many of the guys I do know who are good with women don't realize why what they do works so well. They just do what they do, and women are attracted
to them. Most of them haven't taken the time to figure out that what they're doing is triggering the powerful emotion called attraction inside of women.

To finish my thoughts on this, you're right. No one talks about attraction... and that's a problem, because if you don't "get" attraction, then it's going to be hard to "get" women to be interested in you.

You asked a question at the end of your email - you wanted to know if the guy who asked "Can I kiss you?" was being a Wuss.

OK, I'm about to share my take on that with you. When I tell you my opinion, you're probably going to say "That doesn't sound right.

When you asked your question in the way that you asked it, you indicated to me that you missed what was going on. You missed the point of the question.

One of the things guys do is tease women. Teasing can mean one of a couple of things. Teasing can mean starting, then stopping, starting, then stopping... over and over again. In this context it's usually considered a good, pleasurable thing.

For instance, if you kiss a woman gently, then pull away... then do it again... then again... and you can tell that she wants more, but you're not giving it to her, you're teasing her.

Also, teasing can mean "poking fun". An example would be saying "Wow, those are some high heels. If you wore false eyelashes, you’d bounce right back up if you fell forwards!”. Think of how you used to tease girls on the school playground when you were a kid.

That's a different kind of teasing.

Now, both kinds of teasing are great to use with women who you have a romantic interest in...

Let's go back to the "Can I kiss you?" example for a minute. As you might remember, it went something like this:

He waited for a moment when it was clear to him that it would be ok to kiss her. She wanted it. Then he said...
Him: "Can I kiss you?"
Her: "Yes"
Him: "OK, I'll make sure to do that"

At this point, she said "Right"... and leaned in to kiss him!

What happened here?

What happened was a little bit of genius. That's what happened.

He was teasing her. He was doing something that, at first glance was kind of Wuss/Nice Guy. But remember, he had so much momentum built up, that this little "slip" was perceived by her as OK. In fact, he had so much momentum and attraction built up that she wanted it.

He says "Can I kiss you?", she says "Yes", then he teases her by saying "OK, I'll make sure to do that". In that moment, she realizes that his wuss behavior was actually a joke, and that he was actually messing with her and teasing her.

And at that point she leaned over and kissed him.

Let me share one that I made up that I have used with women on many occasions...Let's say I'm out and I meet a girl walking down the street, and get her email and phone number.

We send a couple of emails back and forth, then we get on the phone. Because I'm always teasing and busting balls, I know that she's enjoying it and interested in me... so in that first phone conversation I'll say:

Me: "You know, I was thinking about you today"
Her: "Really?"
Me: "NO, you dork! Why would I be thinking about you? Get over yourself!"

Are you with me?

Remember, I've been charming, cocky, funny, and unpredictable from the start... and I know that she's enjoying it. The tension is building, even as we have our first phone conversation.

So I then say something that just plain doesn't fit, she says "Really?" in a half flattered/half surprised way, wondering what's going on.

I then pause to build up the suspense.

As the pause is happening, and she's starting to think to herself "Uh oh, he really likes me", I drop the "No, you dork! Get over yourself!" line.

It's funny, confusing, and a huge tease.

It usually gets a huge laugh... and it communicates that I not only "get" what's going on, but I'm so confident that I'll tease her about it.

Now, this is what you might call an "advanced" move.

If you don't know how to tell if a woman is attracted to you, how to spark attraction, how to amplify the attraction, and how to move from one step to the next, you're just going to sound like a dumb ass when you say something like this... because you'll say it at the wrong time, or you'll say it to a woman who isn't
very interested in you... which will make things worse instead of better.

I hope you hear what I'm saying.

One of the greatest things you can learn is how to use subtle humor with women to imply what you're thinking without actually saying it directly.

Men take things literally and women are always interpreting... they're always trying to figure out what everything you're saying and doing "really means".

Communicating with women on a "sexual" level is a skill that you must learn and develop... and thankfully any man can learn how.

Once you learn this new "language", you'll start to experience women in a whole new way. You'll be sending and receiving signals in a language that you never even knew about. It's fun!

And the best part is that women will really appreciate and enjoy the fact that you know how to actually communicate with them.

Posted by: Dave Avran / 9:22 PM 12 comments

Sunday, September 11, 2005

10 Dating Rules For Guys

Before we begin today's post, how about a minute of silence for the victims of Sept 11?

Okay, so you're out there in the dating world and working hard to be successful at it. You already know the generic guidelines your mother drilled into your head: be a gentleman, brush your teeth, comb your hair, don't be late, have a sense of humor...

But what you really need is a set of real-world rules for your dealings with the female population, some hard-and-fast basics which probably didn’t apply during mom’s time. Here are the secrets of successful guys:

ask her out once & only once
When it comes to dating, too many guys put their brains on hold and start thinking with their dicks. They become desperate for sex and keep pursuing a woman when she's only marginally interested (or not interested at all), just because they're frantically obsessed with getting laid. Sure, a lot of women are natural game-players - they love to test men, exert their sexual power, and be pursued.

So expect a little of this at the start. But don't keep asking her out if you keep getting a "No" or "I'm too busy." The cardinal rule is: if a woman is interested in a man, she'll make herself available to him. Even if she has to turn you down, an interested woman will say something like, "But I'd really like to go out. Maybe next week?"

If you get any other response, just dust off your hands and keep walking (she just might develop some respect for you and change her mind).

Learn how to be a great lover
Many women complain that men don't know their way around the female anatomy, or even make the effort to bring a woman to orgasm - they just thrust and grunt and roll over and go to sleep.

These days there's no excuse - there's plenty of information available out there on the techniques of lovemaking and what women want. Or you can quiz a female friend for some pointers on the best way to please a woman.

If all else fails, go straight to the source and ask your partner what she likes (don't worry, it's not like asking for directions - you won't lose face). If you take the time to educate yourself, you're going to make a lot of ladies very happy and keep yourself in meow for life.

Go for the babes, don't put up with an attitude and always keep her guessing…

always date "over your head"
Never, ever lower your standards just to get a date. If you see a pretty girl you think is way out of your league, go for it anyway! It's just much more exciting to be with a woman who really turns you on.

Unless you're very rich or very handsome, odds are you won't always win, but when you strike gold, you'll be very glad you did.

do not tolerate intolerable behavior
In our society, women expect to be coddled, pampered and catered to by men. They expect men to tolerate anything they dish out just by dangling the promise of sex in front of them. So they feel perfectly free to be bitchy, moody, inconsistent, and rude.

Or they don't return phone calls and break dates at the last minute, expecting you to be nice about it because they know they hold the sexual trump card.

The rule is, call her on her bad behavior - tell her you don't want to be treated this way. If she acts like a bitch, cut the date short and tell her why. If she breaks a date for no good reason, don't ever call her again. If she's really interested, she'll change her behavior.

don't be predictable
Many men make the critical mistake of slipping into complacency in their dating lives. It's all too easy to take a woman for granted - to just assume that she'll always be there.

But women have a low boredom threshold and falling into predictable patterns can sound the death knell for a relationship - not to mention opening the door for more adventuresome rivals.

So constantly surprise your woman. Pursue her aggressively, then back off. Give her some mixed signals. Break a date once in a while or show up unexpectedly at her doorstep. You don't want to overdo it, but don't let her get bored.

don't be a doormat
Never act needy, desperate, or clingy - and dude, never grovel for sex.

Assert your independence. Stand up for your rights as a man - refuse to tolerate any kind of sexual blackmail or manipulation. Just because you're nice, doesn't mean you're weak.

Stop being sorry you're a man, take time away from her, and above all, don't make her your sex slave…

never apologize for your masculine sexuality
Our world has been feminized to death and as women have gained an outspoken international forum, the result has been a debilitating degradation of the male gender. Men are "pigs," "rapists" and "jerks" who "can't keep it in their pants."

An innocent flirtatious look becomes "sexual harassment." Men have been PC'ed into wusses. It's normal for a man to be attracted to a woman and it's normal for a man to want to have sex. If your woman isn't able to comprehend this, then find one who does.

don't be available all the time
Women love a challenge -- they crave mystery and drama in their lives. There's nothing wrong with taking a mini-vacation from your girlfriend to make time for your own guy stuff.

Make sure she realizes that she doesn't have you "all sewn up." There's nothing wrong with showing open interest in another woman. Make your girlfriend work for it a little, so she doesn't take you for granted.

stop paying for dates
Tell her that you expect a 50/50 relationship. She's got a job and earns equal pay, so why should you be forced to pick up her entertainment bill? If you do, then all you're doing is trading money for sex.

have fun!
Unfortunately, a lot of guys are intimidated by women because of the awesome sexual power they exert. We're afraid of rejection. We walk on eggshells around women, trying to second-guess if what we're doing is "right."

Lighten up! Have confidence. Be yourself. Guys who are successful with women have fun. They treat their dates like a bratty little sister, not like some mysterious, unattainable goddess set up on a pedestal.

golden rules of dating
So that's it. If you put these rules into action, they'll help you pick a clear path through the dating minefield and come up a winner every time.

Dave Avran is the author of Sex-Ploytation. He has appeared on radio and tv shows and has been featured many times in the popular media on how a fat balding single (read woman-less) loser like himself can con the public with articles very similar to the one above.

Posted by: Dave Avran / 3:36 AM 8 comments

Bob Denver, TV's Gilligan, dead at 70

I don’t know how many readers of Spankin’ are old enough to remember the 1960s TV show "Gilligan's Island", but I grew up watching that show on my grandma’s black & white tv. No, we didn’t have colour then and only two channels to watch!

Bob Denver, whose portrayal of goofy castaway Gilligan made him an iconic figure to generations of TV viewers, has died. He was 70. He died Friday September 06, 2005 at Wake Forest University Baptist Hospital in North Carolina, of complications from treatment he was receiving for cancer.

His wife, Dreama, and children Patrick, Megan, Emily and Colin were with Denver, who also had undergone quadruple heart bypass surgery earlier this year.

Denver's signature role was Gilligan, but when he took the role in 1964 he was already widely known to TV audiences for another iconic character, Maynard G. Krebs, the bearded beatnik friend of Dwayne Hickman's character Dobie in "The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis".

Thanks for the laughs, Bob. The kid in me will always remember you.

Posted by: Dave Avran / 3:12 AM 4 comments

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Tomorrow Is D Day

Tomorrow is decision day so I shall not blog today. I shall spend the time thinking about my next course of action - do I stay or do I go?

Posted by: Dave Avran / 9:17 PM 0 comments

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Psst! Have You Heard About Avi?

In the Klang Valley, we’re so obsessed with our pathetic lives and pretentious concerns that I’d forgotten how gossip and rumour are the currency in a small village.

My brother Avi is in his third year of medical studies at the controversial Crimea State Medical University – the one that’s recognized one minute and not recognized by the government the next.

Anyway he was back for a month’s break and supposed to leave on Aug 27th. The last time he left, he carried two passports – the expired one with one corner cut off because his visa was stamped on it and the new one. All the students did it on the advice of the embassy and it worked with the immigration dept at KLIA.

Guess what? It didn’t work on Aug 27th. Eleven students with the same problem were not allowed to board their flight. Not only could they not fly back, but the Crimean embassy was closed for three days for their national day celebrations. By the time we had sorted out the mess, it was agreed to use the two passports again!

Then came the hassle with the travel agent. “It’s not our fault” they said. By the time this hoopla was sorted out, it’s a month down the road before he can leave as all flights are fully booked. To add salt to injury, the university will be punishing him to the tune of RM900 for missing classes for a month.

Already miserable like hell, Avi returned to our family home in Batu Gajah (a small town 12 miles from Ipoh,) That’s when the rumours and speculation started flying around.

Within hours of his return, the town was abuzz that our family couldn’t afford to continue his education, or that he had been kicked out of the university or that he had failed his exams or had done this or that.

That very evening and continuing into the night, our house had an unusually high number of visitors who “just happened to be passing by” and decided to drop in to say hello. Of course, they were all thoroughly “surprised” to see Avi at home and politely enquired as to why he was home when he was supposed to be studying in Crimea.

Ah! Life in a small village…I’d forgotten how people entertain themselves when there’s nothing to see or do.

On a more serious note, see how much damage rumours and gossip can do as more than 800 Shiite pilgrims, mainly women and children, lay dead in Iraq as a result of a panicky human stampede on a bridge resulting from rumours of a suicide bomber. Many of them plunged 30ft into the Tigris river. They were taking part in a religious procession.

Posted by: Dave Avran / 7:00 AM 7 comments

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