my last pack of Marlboros 

If you’re hospitalized, there are two things you can do: lie there and bitch about your “bad luck” or resolve to get yourself better. You will soon realize, as you look around, that there are many others who are far worse off than you.

If you’re capable of walking around like I was, and you’re not yet hooked up to whatever machine is the scheduled entertainment for the day, then you can always go walkabout. Trust me, it’s a humbling and learning experience.

Now hold on a goddam minute here, Dave – why on earth would I voluntarily wanna go walkabout in a bloody hospital? Have you completely lost your mind?

Well, you don’t have to. I recommend it though, if you want to grow as a person. You see, we’re normally so wrapped up in ourselves and our narcissistic lifestyles that we seldom pause to consider what we’re putting our bodies through. We tend to take things for granted. Until something breaks down. That’s your body giving you a not-so-subtle message.

We’re taught to practice defensive driving. Ironically, we’re not taught to practice defensive living. We happily smoke, drink, snort, shoot up, inhale, and sniff. We slowly but surely poison ourselves with unhealthy food. We deprive ourselves of sleep so that we can enjoy more clubbing time. We stress ourselves out to earn more money so that we can “enjoy” more of the above and in the process we dig an earlier grave for ourselves. We’re a strange species, we are.

I’m still the same old Dave. I’ve not gone all doom and gloom on you, neither have I decided to become the new messiah of healthy living. All I’m saying is if we can just stop for a minute and see where we’ll possibly ultimately end up, then we just might decide to live our lives more responsibly, if not for ourselves then at least for our loved ones. All things in moderation, my friend.

For example, a visit to the Nephro/Renal ward will permanently cure you of your smoking habit. As you look at the constantly coughing patients lying there, you realize that some of them have tubes coming out of their trachea and leading to a bucket under their beds. This carries mucous, phlegm and various other disgusting muck from their irritated, scarred and damaged lungs.

They are constantly coughing to try and clear their throats of the results of emphysema, asthma and bronchitis, and to draw in a breath of air. Their breathing is raspy, gasping and rattling. Their cough has that trademark double resonance that marks a smoker’s cough, kind of like a human Harley Davidson.

Some are on ventilators. Many have throat, mouth or lung cancer. All have one thing in common – they will desperately urge you to stop smoking. I gave up my favourite Marlboro Lights about a year and a half go because my girlfriend took a stand and asked me to choose between her and Phillip Morris Inc. She won hands down. As I walked around that ward, I silently thanked her in my heart and I just knew I would never light up again. Ever. Nothing works quite like a graphic display to make a believer out of me.

You like to drink to excess? No problem, go to the Liver ward and visit the Cirrhosis patients. Better still, buy some small soft toys and candy and pay a visit to the children’s ward. Look at the little kids who are paying the price for their parents’ excesses. The innocent second hand smokers and drinkers and drug addicts. If you’re not moved to tears you aren’t human.

Again, I’m not here to lecture you on how to live your life. I’m the least qualified person for that. After all, I’m the guy who has been involved in the entertainment industry for the past 23 years. I’ve been running some of the best-known clubs in the city, and I’ve smoked and drank with the best of them (the rest shall remain unsaid – a gentleman never tells).

All I’m saying is that I’ve had a wake-up call. Something beyond my control decided to give me two hard slaps and put me in a situation where I had nothing to do but think and reflect and decide to make some changes for the better.

And maybe share my experience with you. If you’re still reading this far, that is…

"Everyone is responsible for their own karma. You've gotta be careful what you do or someday it will come back and bite you in the ass" - Paige Mckenzie, Charmed (the TV series), Astro.  

The Royal Malaysian Police are fond of counseling the public on various issues. Replicated here are some recent excerpts from the nation’s leading newspaper.

The snatch thieves struck from behind, pulling Chin Wai Fun’s handbag…
The advice: “SAC 1 Garni Wahab advised the public, especially women, to be
careful and alert when walking alone. Try to walk in pairs.”

Tan Har Moi, 63, was cheated of her life savings of RM6900 by 2 conmen promising to sell her a “magic stone” that would cure her tuberculosis…
The advice: “CPO Dato’ Hardly Ho advised the public, especially lonely sick old women, to be careful of tricksters and conmen who offer to sell cure-all “magic stones”.

K Kandaselvam, 43, was robbed for the second time as he walked home…
The advice: “ASP Shoot Tukill advised the public, especially 43 year-old men of ethnic Indian origin, to be aware of their surroundings and be careful when walking home. Try to walk in pairs.”

The 16-year-old girl was raped repeatedly and forced to perform oral sex …
The advice: "Serious Crimes Division Chief Miang Betul advised the public,especially young girls, not to accept lifts from strangers. He also advised them not to get on board any vehicle if they did not know the driver. This includes LRTs, buses and taxis. Also, don’t forget to spit if you’re forced to perform oral
sex,it’s not hygienic and you might catch a disease.”

The robbers, believed to be nationals of a neighbouring country, gained entry by forcing the back door…
The advice: “Senior Investigating Officer Rompak Sapu advised the public,especially families, not to leave their houses unattended. Get a maid.” He went on to say “but don’t abuse your maid or we’ll be forced to come after you.”

In a fit of anger, the driver of the four-wheel drive alighted carrying a baseball bat…
The advice: “Traffic Police Chief Mat Laju advised the public, especially car drivers, to be patient and courteous while driving. Do not take the law into your own hands. Leave that to my men. They are trained to take the law into their own hands.”

Duh…you get the picture…

Let me share a template with you. Just delete whichever does not apply to you in particular.

1.Malaysians are troubled by certain problems and issues:

their womenfolk are unsafe due to purse snatching/robbery/
rape/kidnapping/forced into vice
road rage and road bullying incidents
child abandonment and/or abuse
maids mistreating children/stealing/running away/being abused
cheating cases like miraculous stones,unscrupulous salesmen,
get rich quick schemes/the dropped money or punctured
tyre money grab
fill in your favourite grouse here

2. Malaysians take some form of action:

write to the newspapers
bitch to their friends
pass the news along on the net and via sms

3. The authorities (Govt/Police/Bomba/Local Council/fill in the
blank):

take absolutely no action
do not respond
respond but take no action
make promises (it’s an election year) but there’s no follow-up
pass the buck, referring you from one dept to another

4. Malaysians give a collective sigh, shrug and go back to their
daily lives.

5. A few months later, someone tragically dies from:

purse snatching/robbery/rape/kidnapping/forced into vice
road rage and road bullying incidents
child abandonment and/or abuse
maids mistreating children/stealing/running away/being abused
cheating cases like miraculous stones, unscrupulous salesmen,
get rich quick schemes/the dropped money or punctured
tyre money grab
fill in your favourite grouse here

6. The media picks it up, smells a circulation winner, and goes
haywire:

You can’t open a newspaper, switch on the radio or tv without
reading/hearing/seeing the gory details in all their
sensationalised exaggeration.
Anyone remotely connected with the case, for example the
victim’s aunty’s 3rd husband’s nephew-in-law’s dentist’s
mistress’ regular car wash guy, P. Soapyshampoosamy @
Sam, 32, from Brickfields, will get his picture taken and his
15 minutes of fame in the press as he recalls in detail how
he once washed the victim’s father’s car in 1978 when she
was 3 years old.

7. The authorities (Govt/Police/Bomba/Local Council/fill in the
blank)feel the pressure as Malaysians join in the media
circus like lemmings and express their outrage at the
tragic and unnecessary death:

Miraculously, the chief of (fill in the blank) suddenly finds
renewed vigour in his job description as the head of a
public service dept and declares WAR on
(fill in the blank)in a hastily organized prèss conference.
A number of token arrests are made and splashed all over the
media

8. two months later, everything dies down and Malaysians give a
collective sigh, shrug and go back to their daily lives.

Until the next tragic, completely unnecessary
death.

Well well. looks like my previous post about changing values in life touched many of the people who read it. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that most of you forwarded it to your friends judging from the mountain of email I've received in response.

It's very comforting and reassuring to know that so many of you (some complete strangers) not only CARE but actually took the time to write me, with many of you offering to refer your doctors, introduce specialists and *shudder* share hospital horror stories.

There seems to be a tremendous interest and resurgence in alternative therapies judging from the numerous well-intentioned offers to introduce Acupuncture, Accupressure, Ayurveda, Bomohs, Chinese Sinsehs, exercise, glowing endorsements for health products like Viva and life cell powder, Meditation, Pranic healing, Qi Gong, relaxation techniques, Tai Chi, traditional medicines, wellness programs, the various Yogas and even Zen principles. I am currently exploring some of these options, with an open mind.

I'm in the process of writing to each and every one of you to personally thank you for your care and concern. If you still haven't heard from me yet, you will shortly. I've been kinda busy lately but the latest issue of The Musician is hot off the press and arrangements for the Musicfest at Planet Hollywood on the 06th of June are in the bag (20 Malaysian artistes/bands performing non-stop for 10 hours!) so I can afford to breathe a little easier. Be there - support local talent y'all.

To those of you liars who said you actually enjoyed reading my blog, there will be more misguided misogynist malicious meandering mail in your inbox shortly...beware, you have been warned.

Meanwhile, it is hoped that these two photos of me will provide your minimum daily requirement of animal theraphy today :)

Dave in normal mode  

Dave in spanking mode. This happens a lot 

Just finished reading Canny Ong's killer's confession in the Star. Man, I feel a deep sadness for her and am thoroughly sick with that bastard's behaviour. I hope he rots in jail. I hope somebody can arrange for me to spend half an hour in his jail cell for a little one-on-one with that son of a bitch. I'd love to teach that animal to respect human life.

What's happening with this world of ours? Makes you wonder where all these sickos are coming from.

Do we really want to bring innocent children into this shitty world? Think about it.

OUR CHANGING VALUES IN LIFE – PART 1

As we traipse along our normal daily lives, how many of us actually think about how fragile life is? How many of us actually give a damn? Well, I’ve got some news for you, dude.

There’s nothing like being in a hospital to bring you crashing down to earth in the most sober of moods. It doesn’t matter if you’re there for an hour visiting some poor unfortunate sod or if you’re that poor unfortunate sod that’s been hospitalized (like I recently was).

The effect’s the same. You look around at the broken humanity littering the hospital and immediately you feel kinda…temporary. Not so smug anymore, as you eyeball the other patients – some in their wheelchairs, some stuck to tubes and some others punctured with various needles and thingamajigs.

Allow me to be straight with you – this post is not meant to frighten you or to force my opinion or views down your throat. It’s meant to provoke your thoughts about the way you live your life and maybe, just maybe, shock you with some facts into making some positive changes.

At the risk of sounding like a sanctimonious prick, I have consciously made some changes to my own behaviour and lifestyle recently. If you don’t like the tone of this post so far, click that little icon at the top right hand side that says “close” and go look at some porn.

Otherwise, please bear with me for a recap – I suffered an attack of Jaundice last November after eating some bad prawn sambal at the Kuching airport, collapsed upon my return to KL and was hospitalised for 10 days. Lost my appetite and shed 10 kilos. (that’s about the only good thing out of this whole mess)

Now, six months later, the doctor says that the Jaundice apparently triggered an autoimmune response in my body, called a Multifocal Motor Neuropathy with conduction block, where my antibodies attacked my own nervous system along with the invading Jaundice virus infection. I guess I must have stupid DNA.

Since I first crashed last Nov, I’ve been complaining to the doctors that both my hands are numb and my back gets “jammed” after awhile, particularly if I’m standing for an extended period of time.

I was told that it could be a side effect, and that there is no cure for Jaundice – “you just have to let it run its course”. Ok, I thought. Let the bugger run its bloody course, then. I was discharged from the hospital and sent home. However, my hands got weaker over time and my fingers jammed up stiff.

Ok I thought. I’m not stupid - I’ll have to spend some money to get answers. So off I went to the Taman Desa Medical Center for a thorough check-up. Why Taman Desa Medical Center? Because I stay there and it was convenient. Cost me a pretty penny too, as they had a field day pricking and poking and jabbing and extracting and x-raying. Oh, they grabbed blood and urine samples too, so I guess you get an idea of how much fun I had.

The good doctor (the gold-plated sign on his door said specialist) surprised me when he asked if I had lifted weights when I was younger. “Yes”, I said, “I was seriously into bodybuilding”. “Aha” he went, giving a triumphant smile, “You could have injured your back with all that lifting” while he looked accusingly at the x-rays as if they were responsible for my misfortune.

He recommended physiotherapy three times a week and an iron rod filled brace-belt. I tearfully forked out my hard earned moolah and started walking around like Robocop minus the thumping footstep sound effects. I also religiously went for physiotherapy, no prizes for saying “three times a week” in unison. Cost me good money to lie on a bed and be stretched in gawdawful ways by a stupid machine.

My hands and back got worse. I couldn’t even brush my own teeth or pull up the zipper on my pants, my hands were that weak. (don’t ask, cos I’m not telling) Ok dude, I sez to myself. Time to stop dealing with wankers – I need my hands back. Time to pull out all the stops.

I made an appointment with a big name Specialist Neurologist at Sunway Medical Center who charged an arm and a leg just to look at my arm and leg. Then she ran a series of tests on me, at RM300 per test. Ouch. She also ran electric current through my body in ever increasing amounts until I was practically flopping off the bed with each shot. Fucking ouch big time.

At least I got results. I was told I have Neuropathy. Huh? WTF? This basically means my nervous system was inflamed by the virus attack. However, the specialist hemmed and hawed when I asked her how long it would take for me to recover, coming out with such gems as “case by case basis” “all indications point to” and “based on what we have observed, we may infer that…”

Isn’t the English language beautiful? We can say so much without saying anything at all. I needed answers, dammit - my quality of life was at stake.


OUR CHANGING VALUES IN LIFE – PART 2

I have a theory: Nowadays they teach medicine and law side by side, because the doctor will never give you a straight answer. Heard the term “malpractice” recently? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Anyway I was prescribed Neurobion tablets and told to see the doctor once a week, whereupon she would repeat the tests and charge me the gdp of a small developing nation to tell me zilch. Nada. Zero. Big fat Greek nothing.

After a month of paying for her 3rd golf club membership, I got fed-up and indicated so. Besides, my credit card was on a first name basis with her receptionist. Well, she did what all good specialist doctors do – she referred me to another specialist, my 6th doctor since November 2003, a neurologist who had five prefixes before his name – Datuk, Professor, Doctor, Specialist, Neurologist. Man, I was moving up in life. I need to rob a bank real soon.

Met the Datuk Professor Doctor Specialist Neurologist at his clinic in University Malaya Specialist Center. Confirmed that his name card was the same size as everyone else’s despite his many titles. Underwent the exact same tests. When I said I had already done these tests and had brought the results along, I was told that they were not up-to-date. My nerves were zapped with electricity. I flopped on the bed like a fish out of water.

Then he nonchalantly jabbed needles into my hand and leg muscles and ran electricity into them. My eyes bulged like said fish out of water doing the death samba. Man, this was seriously not funny - I was paying this man to hurt me.

Ta dah. We’re done. I have Multifocal Motor Neuropathy with conduction block. Huh? WTF? All over again. Refer to what I explained in paragraph 7 above if you’re still awake at this point. The datuk professor doctor specialist neurologist dude wanted to reconfirm his diagnosis. He needed to do a lumbar puncture, so could I please admit myself to University Malaya Specialist Center for a day? Oh, and deposit RM2000 cash, please.

I was hearing but I wasn’t listening. I’d just remembered that I had an insurance policy for which I’d been paying RM4000+ every year. Called the bloody agent and met up with him immediately after the doctor’s. No prizes for guessing that what I have is not covered under my policy. Fuck.

Surfed the net and nearly fainted when I saw a picture of the needle used in lumbar punctures. Bloody friggin’ hell, ignorance would’ve been bliss. Lumbar punctures are done to extract Cerebro-Spinal Fluid (CSF) from the 4th or 5th vertebrae in our backbones. Paid the RM2000 deposit and got myself admitted, mainly because I wanted to get well.

The 5 x prefix doctor came in all cheerful, bright eyed and bushy tailed. “I’m just going to give you a local anesthetic in the small of your back, Mr Singh” he went. “It won’t hurt, ant bite only”. He was right. I didn’t feel a thing.

After half an hour, he came back and arranged me into a fetal position, knees almost touching my chest and my ass sticking dangerously out. I couldn’t see anything but he kept up a running commentary telling me he was wiping my lumbar area with medical alcohol etc etc to give me confidence. Then he went “Ok, Mr Singh, we’re ready to do the procedure now – you’ll feel no pain, ant bite only”.

Man, he lied big time. I felt the bloody friggin’ needle. It gave me a sourish feeling as it went in. Then he pushed it further in. By this time I was praying, probably for the fifth time in my entire life, to Guru Nanak with Christ and Buddha thrown in for good measure. They weren’t listening. Their server was down. Serves me bloody right for not believing. I’ve been a baaad boy.

Finally it was all over and I had to lie motionless on my back for five hours. Yeah, right. Lemme outta here. Met Dr Prefix the next day. He said my protein levels in the CSF were high, indicating an inflamed and blocked nervous system. Heck, I coulda told him that without the hole in my back! Sheesh.

Then the bombshell fell. The only treatment for Multifocal Motor Neuropathy with conduction block was an infusion of human immunoglobulin. The cost would be in the region of RM20000, because it was purified antibodies from human blood. There were no guarantees on results because “it's on a case by case basis, depending on how individuals respond” fill in the blanks yada yada pseudo medico-legalese talk so beloved by today’s physicians.

My head was reeling. Automatically sms-ed the news to some of my closest buddies. Some of them swung into action, forming various schemes to raise the funds. Bless their caring souls - I’m deeply touched. Thank you. I know you’re reading this. The Musicians’ association (Karyawan) where I edit "The Musician" magazine, came up with an offer to pay the medical fees on my behalf, allowing me to repay them with work as and when I’m capable. Guess all those years of helping other musicians were paying off.

Well, I got admitted at the Ipoh General Hospital so that my parents (who live in Ipoh) could visit me daily. Had a needle thingy stuck into my right hand and started an intravenous drip on the first of 40 bottles of immunoglobulin, calculated based on my body weight. For such an expensive medicine, at RM350 per bottle, I was surprised to see that it was just the size of a brands essence of chicken bottle.

It was slow going because the miracle medicine was bloody thick and I had to be constantly monitored for side effects. My blood pressure was taken every half an hour. I was given injections every morning and evening. My blood sample was taken daily. It took five days to finish the 40 bottles. I devoured 20 back issues of Reader’s Digest to keep from dying of boredom.

God bless the inventor of text messages - encouragement and support poured in. Some friends sent flowers/fruit. Some sent cards. *Sniff. Thank you, ya’ll. It’s good to know that I do have some friends besides my Mum pulling for me. *Snif again. Very touching, all this.

My parents, sister and I decided to cough up the medical costs ourselves as I didn’t want to be indebted. Not that I didn’t appreciate the offers. I sincerely do. I’m back in KL now. There is some improvement in my hand function but Dr Prefix is not too happy with my progress and wants to send me for a booster shot of immunoglobulin. He explained the way it works, but I prefer my own explanation. It’s kinda like a Tequila chaser after a beer. You reading this, Pete?

I haven’t decided yet. I’m very close to being absolutely fed-up. This sucks. Then I remember the patients in the hospital. The hollow eyes and the vacant looks. Human dolls doing whatever the nurses say, moving on autopilot. Damn. I’ve been jabbed, poked, prodded, punctured, infused, injected and electrocuted but I’m alive. Jammed hands or not, I’m friggin’ alive.

More lessons learnt in the hospital coming up...

Yup, it’s official. Score one more for the indomitable spirit of Malaysia Boleh. Malaysians should stand tall and raise their glasses of teh tarih high in salute, cos we’ve done something that has the whole world gawking with mouth wide open. No, I’m not talking about Sarah Marbeck, although the “mouth wide open” does have certain saliva inducing implications.

Hell doesn’t exist anymore. Finally, after eons of terrorizing mankind with the threat of eternal damnation, it finally met its match. Poof!! Gone just like that. Rather an anticlimax actually, for such a historic occurrence.

Pathetic even. It just packed up its supplies of brimstone and fire and limped off whimpering with its forked tail under its cowardly belly. Now you’re probably curious to find out which mega powerful Malaysian bomoh is responsible for wiping out hell with the snap of a finger.

Well, it’s the all-powerful, eternally wise and forever protective Censorship Board.

All they had to do was threaten BuenaVista Columbia Tristar (try saying that three times in a row after six beers) with the “Ban” word, as in “Daredevil is banned” and whaddayaknow, Hell gets its ass whupped. The excellent movie “Hellboy” is now “Super Sapiens”. Watch it, it’s a bloody good movie.

However, there are certain other far reaching implications and ramifications which we will now proceed to explore:

1. Changes to popular terminology

Go to hell! now becomes go to super!!
I’ll see you in Hell becomes I’ll see you in super.
Date from hell now becomes super date.

Conversely,

Superman now means Hellman
Super petrol now means hell fuel
Supercede now means hell first
That was super! Now means that was hell, man!
Supervisor now means person-in-charge from hell
Superlative now means relative from hell (well, some things never change)

2. Geographical limitations

If a person is born in Malaysia, where hell no longer officially exists, and passes away in a less developed country like the United States or the United Kingdom which, unfortunately still subscribe to the belief of hell, is the expired Malaysian exempt from the foreign hell?

We attempted to verify this with BuenaVista Columbia Tristar. They (rightly so) referred us to the Censorship Board. The Censorship Board declared that it does not discuss the basics or logic of its decisions because both are non-existant and referred us to the Immigration Department.

The Immigration Dept said it expecting another surprise visit from Prime Minister Abdullah Ahmad Badawi in 10 minutes, so could we please call back tomorrow.

We did, and were told that the person in charge of permanent cancellations and/or hell visa retractions was on leave. He was the only one with the key to the cabinet where the hell visa cancellations forms were kept securely locked up.

We called again two days later. He was still on leave. Apparently his mother had passed away and would you believe it, been accidentally sent to hell.

We called again two days later and this time we were told that our file was missing and to take the matter up with BuenaVista Columbia Tristar.

3. Moral Implications

I personally feel this will have the most far-reaching consequences with the wipeout of hell. As it is, we are already reeling with the recent spate of senseless crimes. Killing for a miserable couple of ringgit. Muggings. Violent handbag snatching. Kidnapping. Raping and brutally murdering children. Road Rage. The list is long, and it is growing daily.

Malaysia is definitely showing the strain of trying to progress at superspeed (oops, did I say the “S” word? I meant “fast”) and to prove to the world what a great little overachiever we are. Unfortunately, the crime rate index has risen just as fast.

So, without the threat of eternal damnation in hell, what message are we sending to potential criminals out there?

The solution, surprisingly, comes from the Censorship Board. “No problem” they say. We’ll ban the word “crime”. Crime won’t exist anymore.



PICTURE OF THE MONTH – APRIL 2004
Untouched original photos featuring hilarious bloopers. You’re welcome to send in your entries in jpeg format. The best whopper gets featured.


Boyoboy!! Have we found the solution to fat asses or have we found the solution to fat asses. This place in Bandar Puchong Jaya not only slims down fat asses, it beautifies them as well.

Yup, it’s official. Score one more for the indomitable spirit of Malaysia Boleh. Malaysians should stand tall and raise their glasses of teh tarih high in salute, cos we’ve done something that has the whole world gawking with mouth wide open. No, I’m not talking about Sarah Marbeck, although the “mouth wide open” does have certain saliva inducing implications.

Hell doesn’t exist anymore. Finally, after eons of terrorizing mankind with the threat of eternal damnation, it finally met its match. Poof!! Gone just like that. Rather an anticlimax actually, for such a historic occurrence.

Pathetic even. It just packed up its supplies of brimstone and fire and limped off whimpering with its forked tail under its cowardly belly. Now you’re probably curious to find out which mega powerful Malaysian bomoh is responsible for wiping out hell with the snap of a finger.

Well, it’s the all-powerful, eternally wise and forever protective Censorship Board.

All they had to do was threaten BuenaVista Columbia Tristar (try saying that three times in a row after six beers) with the “Ban” word, as in “Daredevil is banned” and whaddayaknow, Hell gets its ass whupped. The excellent movie “Hellboy” is now “Super Sapiens”. Watch it, it’s a bloody good movie.

However, there are certain other far reaching implications and ramifications which we will now proceed to explore:

1. Changes to popular terminology

Go to hell! now becomes go to super!!
I’ll see you in Hell becomes I’ll see you in super.
Date from hell now becomes super date.

Conversely,

Superman now means Hellman
Super petrol now means hell fuel
Supercede now means hell first
That was super! Now means that was hell, man!
Supervisor now means person-in-charge from hell
Superlative now means relative from hell (well, some things never change)

2. Geographical limitations

If a person is born in Malaysia, where hell no longer officially exists, and passes away in a less developed country like the United States or the United Kingdom which, unfortunately still subscribe to the belief of hell, is the expired Malaysian exempt from the foreign hell?

We attempted to verify this with BuenaVista Columbia Tristar. They (rightly so) referred us to the Censorship Board. The Censorship Board declared that it does not discuss the basics or logic of its decisions because both are non-existant and referred us to the Immigration Department.

The Immigration Dept said it expecting another surprise visit from Prime Minister Abdullah Ahmad Badawi in 10 minutes, so could we please call back tomorrow.

We did, and were told that the person in charge of permanent cancellations and/or hell visa retractions was on leave. He was the only one with the key to the cabinet where the hell visa cancellations forms were kept securely locked up.

We called again two days later. He was still on leave. Apparently his mother had passed away and would you believe it, been accidentally sent to hell.

We called again two days later and this time we were told that our file was missing and to take the matter up with BuenaVista Columbia Tristar.

3. Moral Implications

I personally feel this will have the most far-reaching consequences with the wipeout of hell. As it is, we are already reeling with the recent spate of senseless crimes. Killing for a miserable couple of ringgit. Muggings. Violent handbag snatching. Kidnapping. Raping and brutally murdering children. Road Rage. The list is long, and it is growing daily.

Malaysia is definitely showing the strain of trying to progress at superspeed (oops, did I say the “S” word? I meant “fast”) and to prove to the world what a great little overachiever we are. Unfortunately, the crime rate index has risen just as fast.

So, without the threat of eternal damnation in hell, what message are we sending to potential criminals out there?

The solution, surprisingly, comes from the Censorship Board. “No problem” they say. We’ll ban the word “crime”. Crime won’t exist anymore.



PICTURE OF THE MONTH – APRIL 2004
Untouched original photos featuring hilarious bloopers. You’re welcome to send in your entries in jpeg format. The best whopper gets featured.


Boyoboy!! Have we found the solution to fat asses or have we found the solution to fat asses. This place in Bandar Puchong Jaya not only slims down fat asses, it beautifies them as well.