Yup, it’s official. Score one more for the indomitable spirit of Malaysia Boleh. Malaysians should stand tall and raise their glasses of teh tarih high in salute, cos we’ve done something that has the whole world gawking with mouth wide open. No, I’m not talking about Sarah Marbeck, although the “mouth wide open” does have certain saliva inducing implications.

Hell doesn’t exist anymore. Finally, after eons of terrorizing mankind with the threat of eternal damnation, it finally met its match. Poof!! Gone just like that. Rather an anticlimax actually, for such a historic occurrence.

Pathetic even. It just packed up its supplies of brimstone and fire and limped off whimpering with its forked tail under its cowardly belly. Now you’re probably curious to find out which mega powerful Malaysian bomoh is responsible for wiping out hell with the snap of a finger.

Well, it’s the all-powerful, eternally wise and forever protective Censorship Board.

All they had to do was threaten BuenaVista Columbia Tristar (try saying that three times in a row after six beers) with the “Ban” word, as in “Daredevil is banned” and whaddayaknow, Hell gets its ass whupped. The excellent movie “Hellboy” is now “Super Sapiens”. Watch it, it’s a bloody good movie.

However, there are certain other far reaching implications and ramifications which we will now proceed to explore:

1. Changes to popular terminology

Go to hell! now becomes go to super!!
I’ll see you in Hell becomes I’ll see you in super.
Date from hell now becomes super date.

Conversely,

Superman now means Hellman
Super petrol now means hell fuel
Supercede now means hell first
That was super! Now means that was hell, man!
Supervisor now means person-in-charge from hell
Superlative now means relative from hell (well, some things never change)

2. Geographical limitations

If a person is born in Malaysia, where hell no longer officially exists, and passes away in a less developed country like the United States or the United Kingdom which, unfortunately still subscribe to the belief of hell, is the expired Malaysian exempt from the foreign hell?

We attempted to verify this with BuenaVista Columbia Tristar. They (rightly so) referred us to the Censorship Board. The Censorship Board declared that it does not discuss the basics or logic of its decisions because both are non-existant and referred us to the Immigration Department.

The Immigration Dept said it expecting another surprise visit from Prime Minister Abdullah Ahmad Badawi in 10 minutes, so could we please call back tomorrow.

We did, and were told that the person in charge of permanent cancellations and/or hell visa retractions was on leave. He was the only one with the key to the cabinet where the hell visa cancellations forms were kept securely locked up.

We called again two days later. He was still on leave. Apparently his mother had passed away and would you believe it, been accidentally sent to hell.

We called again two days later and this time we were told that our file was missing and to take the matter up with BuenaVista Columbia Tristar.

3. Moral Implications

I personally feel this will have the most far-reaching consequences with the wipeout of hell. As it is, we are already reeling with the recent spate of senseless crimes. Killing for a miserable couple of ringgit. Muggings. Violent handbag snatching. Kidnapping. Raping and brutally murdering children. Road Rage. The list is long, and it is growing daily.

Malaysia is definitely showing the strain of trying to progress at superspeed (oops, did I say the “S” word? I meant “fast”) and to prove to the world what a great little overachiever we are. Unfortunately, the crime rate index has risen just as fast.

So, without the threat of eternal damnation in hell, what message are we sending to potential criminals out there?

The solution, surprisingly, comes from the Censorship Board. “No problem” they say. We’ll ban the word “crime”. Crime won’t exist anymore.



PICTURE OF THE MONTH – APRIL 2004
Untouched original photos featuring hilarious bloopers. You’re welcome to send in your entries in jpeg format. The best whopper gets featured.


Boyoboy!! Have we found the solution to fat asses or have we found the solution to fat asses. This place in Bandar Puchong Jaya not only slims down fat asses, it beautifies them as well.