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Sunday, January 20, 2008

It never fails. Whenever I have occasion to mention that my ex-girlfriend is in the airlines, the next immediate question is “have you joined the Mile High Club?” I get so tired of explaining to these curious cats that I only held hands with my ex.

Ours was a pure love.

Now that you’ve barfed, here’s a guide to keep you satisfied.

In flight Sex Guide

For your own safety, comfort, and that of your fellow passengers and crew, please observe the following regulations when engaging in inflight sex.

Sex while Seated

Regulations require that you keep your seatbelts fastened at all times when seated. Therefore, only oral and manual sex are permitted in the main cabin.

If you desire privacy, you may request a blanket to conceal your activities.


This option is always available to our passengers who prefer to self-suck. To avoid head injuries, make sure your tray table is secured in its upright and locked position.

Hand Job

To initiate a hand job, unzip the fly of the passenger seated immediately next to you, freeing his penis. Grasping the shaft firmly, use a brisk up-and-down motion until climax is achieved. Flight attendants may provide moist towelettes for cleanup, if you ask nicely. Hot towels are available for our first-class passengers.

Blow Job

To initiate a blow job, unzip the fly of the passenger seated immediately next to you, freeing his penis. Rotate your torso 90 degrees and flex at the waist until your mouth contacts the recipient's hard on. Move head up and down as indicated.

Passengers who are unable or prefer not to swallow for religious reasons may use the paper receptacle bags located in the forward seat pocket. After use, hand the bag over to a flight attendant for proper disposal.

Sex in the Lavatories

For the comfort and consideration of all passengers, we request that couples limit their sessions to 15 minutes or less, whether or not climax is achieved. Please hang the "Having Sex" sign on the lavatory door so that you will not be disturbed.

To facilitate sex in the close quarters of an airline lavatory, we suggest the following positions. Due to the size of the facilities threesomes are prohibited. Seated sex positions are recommended if the airplane encounters turbulence. We must remind you that smoking after sex or tampering with a lavatory smoke detector are federal offenses.

Blow Job (Sitting)

If emergency fecal evacuation is required, this position may be used for performing a blumpkin maneuver. In this case, be sure the commode lid is OPEN.

Blow Job (Standing)

If you do not swallow, please spit into the commode or alternately, the sink.


To avoid being overwhelmed by a foul odor, be sure that the commode lid is shut before your female partner is seated. If the commode is closed and you are still overwhelmed by a foul odor (particularly tuna fish) during cunnilingus, we suggest your partner review basic hygiene procedures.

Unfortunately, due to space considerations, an in-flight bidet is not available.

Fingering (Seated)

After inserting a hand into your partner's panties, digitally stimulate her clitoris using up-and-down,

side-to-side, or circular motions. If you cannot locate the clitoris, refer to the detailed diagramon the other side of this card.

Intercourse - Doggy-Style against Sink

Save time by using this position to wash your hands or fix your makeup while having sex.

Intercourse½- Sitting on Sink

Avoid activating the faucet in this position or you will end up with an extra large wet spot.

Intercourse ½- Sitting on Commode

To maintain the aircraft's equilibrium, we ask that passengers refrain from riding the baloney pony too vigorously during flight.

Intercourse½- Standing against Commode

If you prop one foot on the toilet, kindly ensure the lid is closed. Failure to do so may result in a sprained ankle or accidental loss of footwear.

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