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"You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the guy next to you." - Anonymous
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Dave's Happiness Tips For Times Of Crisis
2007 has run out faster than cheap condoms in a dingy massage parlour. Not that poor little innocent me knows anything at all about massage parlours. (hey, my mum reads my blog)
If you’re expecting yet another insipid post on New Year’s resolutions, starting afresh, new hopes, new beginnings and all that pathetic yadda yadda then I suggest you click away from this site right now and read the cartoon page in the newspaper.
I don’t know about you, mate, but I for one sure could use some good news to kick off the new year after a thoroughly depressing 2007, what with my own illness and capped off with aunty Benazir losing her head. Literally.
After I had washed 2007 away with my own tears and polished its memories with the cloth of regret, I decided that we could do with some happiness tips for 2008 which apply to any time of world crisis - war, terrorism, pandemic, economic meltdown, natural disaster, etc.
The world is going downhill faster than an Olympic skier. Terrorists lurk around every corner. Global warming and climate change will soon melt the tundra and turn parts of the world into new seas and deserts. Frankenstein foods are flooding the market, cleverly masquerading as innocent potatoes and carrots. Genetically modified my ass.
And everybody is planning a war.
Osama wants to unleash unspeakable biological evils. George Bush wants to unleash unimaginable military might. Germany and France just want to unleash. India and Pakistan want to run a nuclear relay race. North Korea, Somalia, Darfur, Myanmar ... need I say more? Worst of all we won't even know who the good guys and bad guys are supposed to be anymore.
Just when we thought it was safe to sit back and take comfort in knowing exactly how bad things are, some doofus had to come up with seven tips to keep our spirits up in uncertain times. That doofus happens to be me. So here are your happiness tips:
1. Count your blessings. We have so much to be grateful for. Iraq's dime store missiles cannot hit anywhere too important (defined more specifically as "Malaysia - where I live"). Then, of course, there are all the modcons we have, like the flush toilet (I would not want to have lived 500 years ago) and the remote control.
We can be grateful for all the variety, such as 32 flavors of ice cream, Starbucks, McDonalds and 7-11 on every corner and at least a dozen flavors of toothpaste. We can count our education, our knowledge and our opportunities. And we have soooo much more freedom than our ancestors. Geez, with all these blessings to count, it gets hard to enjoy living in terror of the big, bad world.
2. Smile at a stranger. If the world shows us a threatening face, why not paint that face with a smile to make it less threatening? Let's face it, if I smile at you, you'll smile back. The more I smile, the more people will smile at me. The more you smile, the more people will smile at you. If everybody follows my advice, at least dentists will be too busy to fear world events. And I, with a smile still frozen on my face, will be safely locked up in a nice, comfortable padded white room. Preferably bomb-proof.
3. Learn a new skill. Imagine the sense of accomplishment and the power of mastering a new skill. Like Peranakan cooking. Like whittling. Like Pterodactyl breeding. Oh well, two out of three ain’t bad. If you learn that skill in a classroom setting, full of other energized new-skill-masterers, you get the bonus of seeing that positive face of the world, complete with smiles and busy dentists.
4. Study history. Bad things happen. Good things happen. That's history. Today will one day be history that somebody reads about. So don't sweat it. Note: If nobody is left to read about it, scratch this tip.
5. Volunteer. One of the scariest things about the world today is not just that it seems to be going downhill, but that we feel powerless to stop it. Worse still, politicians and diplomats are in charge. But we CAN take control and send the world uphill right in our own neighborhood.
We can help the local animal shelter. We can work at various charities. That's my personal favorite, and no you do not get free samples. We can help little old ladies across the street. We can make a difference right in our own communities where the politicians and diplomats won't interrupt.
6. Drop the play-by-play. In times of war and world crisis we have the opportunity to watch events as they unfold, just as if we were in the stands at the football game. Wait, they are about to strike. Come on, you can do it. Launch that missile. Hit that target. Hurry. Send it in. That's it. Yes! Yes! ... NOOOOOoooooo! You missed. So don't get too carried away. Sports are only sports, but war is real. Avoid getting caught up in the play-by-play.
7. Have faith. It goes without saying that God is a great comfort to many people in times of crisis, so leave it to me to say it anyway. If you are a believer who has been distracted by other things in life, allow yourself to seek comfort in God.
Well, there you go – these are my seven happiness tips. If you wish to ignore them and return to the regularly-scheduled misery-wallowing, please go ahead. After all, in wartime nobody really wants to be happy, do they? Me? I’m gonna light up a Jamaican reefer and relax to the sounds of 80’s retro. Ya man.
2007 has run out faster than cheap condoms in a dingy massage parlour. Not that poor little innocent me knows anything at all about massage parlours. (hey, my mum reads my blog)
If you’re expecting yet another insipid post on New Year’s resolutions, starting afresh, new hopes, new beginnings and all that pathetic yadda yadda then I suggest you click away from this site right now and read the cartoon page in the newspaper.
I don’t know about you, mate, but I for one sure could use some good news to kick off the new year after a thoroughly depressing 2007, what with my own illness and capped off with aunty Benazir losing her head. Literally.
After I had washed 2007 away with my own tears and polished its memories with the cloth of regret, I decided that we could do with some happiness tips for 2008 which apply to any time of world crisis - war, terrorism, pandemic, economic meltdown, natural disaster, etc.
The world is going downhill faster than an Olympic skier. Terrorists lurk around every corner. Global warming and climate change will soon melt the tundra and turn parts of the world into new seas and deserts. Frankenstein foods are flooding the market, cleverly masquerading as innocent potatoes and carrots. Genetically modified my ass.
And everybody is planning a war.
Osama wants to unleash unspeakable biological evils. George Bush wants to unleash unimaginable military might. Germany and France just want to unleash. India and Pakistan want to run a nuclear relay race. North Korea, Somalia, Darfur, Myanmar ... need I say more? Worst of all we won't even know who the good guys and bad guys are supposed to be anymore.
Just when we thought it was safe to sit back and take comfort in knowing exactly how bad things are, some doofus had to come up with seven tips to keep our spirits up in uncertain times. That doofus happens to be me. So here are your happiness tips:
1. Count your blessings. We have so much to be grateful for. Iraq's dime store missiles cannot hit anywhere too important (defined more specifically as "Malaysia - where I live"). Then, of course, there are all the modcons we have, like the flush toilet (I would not want to have lived 500 years ago) and the remote control.
We can be grateful for all the variety, such as 32 flavors of ice cream, Starbucks, McDonalds and 7-11 on every corner and at least a dozen flavors of toothpaste. We can count our education, our knowledge and our opportunities. And we have soooo much more freedom than our ancestors. Geez, with all these blessings to count, it gets hard to enjoy living in terror of the big, bad world.
2. Smile at a stranger. If the world shows us a threatening face, why not paint that face with a smile to make it less threatening? Let's face it, if I smile at you, you'll smile back. The more I smile, the more people will smile at me. The more you smile, the more people will smile at you. If everybody follows my advice, at least dentists will be too busy to fear world events. And I, with a smile still frozen on my face, will be safely locked up in a nice, comfortable padded white room. Preferably bomb-proof.
3. Learn a new skill. Imagine the sense of accomplishment and the power of mastering a new skill. Like Peranakan cooking. Like whittling. Like Pterodactyl breeding. Oh well, two out of three ain’t bad. If you learn that skill in a classroom setting, full of other energized new-skill-masterers, you get the bonus of seeing that positive face of the world, complete with smiles and busy dentists.
4. Study history. Bad things happen. Good things happen. That's history. Today will one day be history that somebody reads about. So don't sweat it. Note: If nobody is left to read about it, scratch this tip.
5. Volunteer. One of the scariest things about the world today is not just that it seems to be going downhill, but that we feel powerless to stop it. Worse still, politicians and diplomats are in charge. But we CAN take control and send the world uphill right in our own neighborhood.
We can help the local animal shelter. We can work at various charities. That's my personal favorite, and no you do not get free samples. We can help little old ladies across the street. We can make a difference right in our own communities where the politicians and diplomats won't interrupt.
6. Drop the play-by-play. In times of war and world crisis we have the opportunity to watch events as they unfold, just as if we were in the stands at the football game. Wait, they are about to strike. Come on, you can do it. Launch that missile. Hit that target. Hurry. Send it in. That's it. Yes! Yes! ... NOOOOOoooooo! You missed. So don't get too carried away. Sports are only sports, but war is real. Avoid getting caught up in the play-by-play.
7. Have faith. It goes without saying that God is a great comfort to many people in times of crisis, so leave it to me to say it anyway. If you are a believer who has been distracted by other things in life, allow yourself to seek comfort in God.
Well, there you go – these are my seven happiness tips. If you wish to ignore them and return to the regularly-scheduled misery-wallowing, please go ahead. After all, in wartime nobody really wants to be happy, do they? Me? I’m gonna light up a Jamaican reefer and relax to the sounds of 80’s retro. Ya man.
