The Wimp's Guide to Approaching Women

11:00pm Friday night and I was seated at my usual table in the outdoor patio of Borneo Baruk Club with a couple of my dancers. They wanted to check out the stage and ambience in preparation for their performance.

The GM of the outlet, Melvin Francis, spotted me and rushed over, waggling his index finger at me. “you! Dave Avran!” he bellowed. “Hi Melvin” I said “nice of you to tell me who I am. Meet Nancy, Judy and Azi”. “Ya, ya hello hello” said the preoccupied feller before turning his attention back to me. “You caused me a lot of trouble lah” he said.

“Watchoo talking about, bro?” I asked in my best Gary Coleman impersonation. ”Don’t pray pray this is serious” admonished Melvin. “Ever since you blogged about Carmen Wong I’ve had nothing but trouble. All the guys come here and expect me to introduce her to them. And when I can’t do that then they want me to teach them how to approach all the other girls!” He said in exasperation.

“Has your clientele increased?” I asked Melvin. “Yes” he answered. “Has your F&B sales increased?” I asked again. “Yes” he replied again. “So what’s the problem?” I asked him.

“The problem, my friend, is that I am kept so busy entertaining these horny buggers that I have no time to do my work, and since it’s all your fault you are gonna write another article on how to pick up women to rectify this” he thundered in my ear.

“But…but…bro, I’m a loser when it comes to women” I whined. “Yeah, right. You’re sitting here with a coupla babes and everyone’s staring at your table wondering what this ugly fu*k has got that they haven’t” said Melvin sarcastically. “Just bloody do it, ok?” “Yes, bro” I answered meekly.

So after two sleepless nights surfing the internet, 74 cans of beer and 20 packets of potato chips, I proudly present …

The Wimp’s Guide to Approaching Women.

We've all found ourselves, at one point or another in our lives, wanting to approach a beautiful woman. Whether she just walks past us, or is seated at a table across from us in a restaurant, the thought has crossed our minds. When the time came to approach them, we simply sat back and rationalized that it was not the appropriate time to make a move.

Most men refuse to approach women because they have no idea how to go about it. Hey, it's hard enough approaching women in clubs -- where the environment invites social communication so imagine how much harder it is when it comes to the outside world. You never know who you'll meet. I've met a lot of beautiful women over the past few years, but the most interesting ones were those that I met by chance: at an event, in a café, club or at a restaurant. These women were also the ones I found most difficult to approach.

The main problem is that the situation is a little tricky. Firstly, you only have a few moments to make a courageous move, unlike a dance club, where you have all night to break the ice. Secondly, because you're in a not so welcoming environment, some women might be afraid and suspicious of you.

Men hate it when women reject them. There's nothing worse than having your ego smashed to little pieces when the woman of your dreams turns you down for a chat. You really thought she was interested, but somehow you must have misread her signals.

From the male point of view, women are often far too subtle and indirect or just plain confusing when revealing their romantic interest (unless you happen to be really good-looking and loaded with cash, in which case your worries are over as they will stalk you). And yes, women often send mixed messages because they're not sure of what's going on inside their own heads.

The Common Mistakes Men Make

Unfortunately, some men don't realize that certain factors will deter a woman from accepting an advance or invitation from a total stranger.

Forgetting a woman's comfort zone
Just because you know that you're a nice guy, doesn't mean she does too. It is important for you to realize that most women will be on their guard when you first approach them. This is normal, and the important thing is for you to come across as a normal and harmless guy. A little humor usually helps to break the ice.

Trying to fool women
The second biggest error most men make is that they don't give women enough credit and respect. Most men think that they can fool a woman into giving them their number. Duuuh! Women know that you're trying to pick them up, so don't beat around the bush. Be direct and let them know exactly what you want. By doing so, you'll come across as a confident and straightforward guy.

Approaching without a plan
Some guys can improvise successfully, but regardless of the case, having a plan always helps your chances of coming across as a person she might consider dating.

Acting like a pervert
Many men keep on sabotaging any good chances they have by keeping their eyes aimed down at a woman's breasts. Instead, keep your eyes locked onto hers. You want her to think that you're the knight in shining armor that’s going to romantically sweep her off her feet rather than a dog that’s just sniffing any old fire hydrant ready to mark his territory.

Overcome the paradox
When you go to a nightclub, you'll see many women who are acting out a paradox: They're dressed up in sexy clothes (obviously to get attention from men), but they're acting like they don't want men to talk to them most of the time. Of course, this isn't always true all the time, but if you go to nightclubs and bars, then I'm sure you know exactly what I'm talking about.

Work your plan
Remember that beautiful women are usually hit on a lot at clubs and bars. Most of the guys are drunk and stupid or using lame pickup lines or acting like wussies or offering to buy drinks etc. The first thing to do is not act like other stupid guys who have no game plan.

Don't kiss up to women in nightclubs, and don't give them your power. In other words: Hold yourself and communicate like you are in complete control of yourself and your surroundings and behave like nothing she does can upset you.

Keep the conversation going
Remember that for the first few minutes you're probably going to get some resistance from most women. One of the big tests when meeting women in clubs is whether or not you can keep talking to a woman who isn't being overly friendly. In fact, some women will be completely cold and uninterested.

If you encounter a rude or cold woman, just move on; you need to be selective and not put aside your own standards just because a woman is attractive. On the other hand, if a woman seems a little bit resistant, keep the conversation going. You'll find in many cases that after 5 or 10 minutes she'll begin to warm up.

If you're having a conversation (as opposed to just getting her e-mail/number and leaving), then you need to turn up the confident and funny comments and just play it cool like a friend. Pubs are a great place for palmistry, astrology, face reading, and other "cold reading" techniques. Learn a few tricks if you want to start a great conversation.

Watch her body language
She points in your direction with her leg, foot or shoulders. She leans toward you while talking. She plays with or tosses her hair. She fidgets with a piece of jewelry (like an earring) or strokes the stem of her glass. She keeps her eyes locked on you while she talks or drinks. She mirrors your body movements (for example, if you put your hand on the table, she does the same). She smiles when you check her out. If you become aware of a cluster of these signals, you can be sure that she's giving you the green light for romance.

Get the digits
If, like me, you're not very skilled, get a woman's e-mail and/or number and go. There are so many distractions in bars and clubs that it really makes it difficult to have a conversation. There is loud thumping music, other guys, her girlfriends, etc., and if you don't really know what you're doing, then you're likely to fumble somewhere. Just get her digits and follow up later.

Also, it's a great idea to find guys like my bro Melvin Francis who are smooth operators at meeting women and to watch them in action. You'll learn a lot from doing this. Notice I said “watch”. Don’t bug the guy. Lastly, don't worry about what happens. Just go over and talk to the woman you fancy. The women expect it, and even if you get rejected, it's still great practice!

There you go Melvin, you’re off the hook now.