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"You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the guy next to you." - Anonymous
Sunday, November 11, 2007
THE BABE AND THE BLADE
This post is gonna read very suspiciously like another round of Chinawimmen bashing on my part, but I am merely relating events as they unfold. It was my first outing in a year and we were at the very hip and happening Borneo Baruk Café in Jalan Kia Peng to discuss a series of shows for Prabu, the stand-up comedian that I manage.
It was 6:00pm and we were seated in the open air patio. At our table were Melvin Francis, an old friend and GM of the outlet, V Casey another old friend and National Sales Manager of Guinness Anchor Berhad, Prabu and myself.
I had forgotten how good beer tasted. The ice cold amber liquid slid down my throat effortlessly and I almost snapped my neck as I tried to ogle all the gorgeous Chinawimmen streaming into the outlet from all directions. They were in shorts. In miniskirts. In office wear. They were everywhere. My friends laughed at me as I wiped the drool from my chin.
“Take it easy, brother. Baby steps, ok? You just got one eye done lah” advised Prabu. “Baby steps my ass” I growled “I have one year’s worth of ogling to catch up on. Holy Cow! Did you see that gorgeous creature?” Melvin excused himself and disappeared into the outlet.
He returned five minutes later with said gorgeous creature in tow, and nonchalantly said “Dave, meet Carmen Wong”. “Hi Dave,” she gushed, offering me a perfectly manicured hand. “Melvin told me you’re recovering from an illness and that you’ve just had your left eye operated on…you like?” she asked, striking a pose.
“Hell yeah! I like” I answered. Obviously pleased with my enthusiasm, she bent over me till her face hovered 2 inches from mine. “Then what are you gonna do about it?” she asked, smiling mischievously. I was transfixed, feeling her breath on my face, smelling her perfume and taking in every detail of her little pixie face
“I…uh…I…err..I… need your email address” was the best I could manage as the table erupted into laughter. “Its getlost@nochance.com” she shot over her shoulder as she sauntered back into the café. I was busy writing it down and couldn’t understand why my friends were laughing so uproariously.
“Brother, with you around I cannot cari makan lah” grinned Prabu, wiping tears from his eyes. Whateverlah. I’m glad to have spread some cheer around. “Eh Dave, what’s the big deal with Chinawimmen anyway?” asked Casey, who is himself married to one.
It’s like this boys and girls. They are the nearest you can get to having a white woman but much cleaner and with Asian values (did I just commit hara kiri here?).They’re independent, smart, hardworking and sassy like hell. Of course I’m talking about the sophisticated westernized variety and not the China bukit type you find sprouting everywhere like common garden weeds.
Part of the problem is that their market value is so damn high. Farkin Kweilohs go gaga over them (don’t even open that door and get me started). Malay guys fish for them Every Indio I know will bust his black ass to get himself a Chinawoman, and of course Chinamen go for them too, naturally.
Another big plus point is that you don’t have to worry about converting to another religion as most of them are either Christians or Buddhists. Then there’s the fact that they’ll eat any damn thing so you don’t have “halal” issues and your diet can remain pretty much the same. They’ll also go anywhere with you and best of all they drink alcohol.
They are not clingy octopuses like a certain other race and they will hold their own quite nicely, thank you. Neither will their entire extended family get involved and meddle in your affairs like another certain race.
“Wah, so good one ah?” asked Melvin. “They got nothing bad meh?”
I was getting to that, brother Mel. But beware! Beneath that beautiful porcelain complexion, almond eyes, cute little button nose and petite stature lurks danger of the highest order. Like eating the Japanese Fugu fish. It’s expensive, very rare, absolutely delicious and its poison can kill you in an instant if not removed properly.
All Chinawimmen possess a switch in their brains that when triggered on will render them completely cold and heartless. They will then proceed to delete your file, empty their recycle bin and defrag their hard drives, thereby effectively deleting you from their memory bank and lives completely and forever.
After that they will lay into you with their samurai swords, de-boning your body and filleting your flesh into paper thin slices to make any sushi chef beam with pride and joy. Finally they will walk away and never look back. You will never recover. Never.
“Wooiyoo! So serious one meh?” muttered Casey, quickly ordering another two jugs of Tiger beer to shut me up. Okay, I’m done talking about Chinawimmen. For now.
It was 6:00pm and we were seated in the open air patio. At our table were Melvin Francis, an old friend and GM of the outlet, V Casey another old friend and National Sales Manager of Guinness Anchor Berhad, Prabu and myself.
I had forgotten how good beer tasted. The ice cold amber liquid slid down my throat effortlessly and I almost snapped my neck as I tried to ogle all the gorgeous Chinawimmen streaming into the outlet from all directions. They were in shorts. In miniskirts. In office wear. They were everywhere. My friends laughed at me as I wiped the drool from my chin.
“Take it easy, brother. Baby steps, ok? You just got one eye done lah” advised Prabu. “Baby steps my ass” I growled “I have one year’s worth of ogling to catch up on. Holy Cow! Did you see that gorgeous creature?” Melvin excused himself and disappeared into the outlet.
He returned five minutes later with said gorgeous creature in tow, and nonchalantly said “Dave, meet Carmen Wong”. “Hi Dave,” she gushed, offering me a perfectly manicured hand. “Melvin told me you’re recovering from an illness and that you’ve just had your left eye operated on…you like?” she asked, striking a pose.
“Hell yeah! I like” I answered. Obviously pleased with my enthusiasm, she bent over me till her face hovered 2 inches from mine. “Then what are you gonna do about it?” she asked, smiling mischievously. I was transfixed, feeling her breath on my face, smelling her perfume and taking in every detail of her little pixie face
“I…uh…I…err..I… need your email address” was the best I could manage as the table erupted into laughter. “Its getlost@nochance.com” she shot over her shoulder as she sauntered back into the café. I was busy writing it down and couldn’t understand why my friends were laughing so uproariously.
“Brother, with you around I cannot cari makan lah” grinned Prabu, wiping tears from his eyes. Whateverlah. I’m glad to have spread some cheer around. “Eh Dave, what’s the big deal with Chinawimmen anyway?” asked Casey, who is himself married to one.
It’s like this boys and girls. They are the nearest you can get to having a white woman but much cleaner and with Asian values (did I just commit hara kiri here?).They’re independent, smart, hardworking and sassy like hell. Of course I’m talking about the sophisticated westernized variety and not the China bukit type you find sprouting everywhere like common garden weeds.
Part of the problem is that their market value is so damn high. Farkin Kweilohs go gaga over them (don’t even open that door and get me started). Malay guys fish for them Every Indio I know will bust his black ass to get himself a Chinawoman, and of course Chinamen go for them too, naturally.
Another big plus point is that you don’t have to worry about converting to another religion as most of them are either Christians or Buddhists. Then there’s the fact that they’ll eat any damn thing so you don’t have “halal” issues and your diet can remain pretty much the same. They’ll also go anywhere with you and best of all they drink alcohol.
They are not clingy octopuses like a certain other race and they will hold their own quite nicely, thank you. Neither will their entire extended family get involved and meddle in your affairs like another certain race.
“Wah, so good one ah?” asked Melvin. “They got nothing bad meh?”
I was getting to that, brother Mel. But beware! Beneath that beautiful porcelain complexion, almond eyes, cute little button nose and petite stature lurks danger of the highest order. Like eating the Japanese Fugu fish. It’s expensive, very rare, absolutely delicious and its poison can kill you in an instant if not removed properly.
All Chinawimmen possess a switch in their brains that when triggered on will render them completely cold and heartless. They will then proceed to delete your file, empty their recycle bin and defrag their hard drives, thereby effectively deleting you from their memory bank and lives completely and forever.
After that they will lay into you with their samurai swords, de-boning your body and filleting your flesh into paper thin slices to make any sushi chef beam with pride and joy. Finally they will walk away and never look back. You will never recover. Never.
“Wooiyoo! So serious one meh?” muttered Casey, quickly ordering another two jugs of Tiger beer to shut me up. Okay, I’m done talking about Chinawimmen. For now.
Comments:
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ahem! so white women are not clean, eh? Wait till I see you, Mr Avran. I've got a sharp knife too
and I know exactly what to cut off. maxine
and I know exactly what to cut off. maxine
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posted by 
: 11:23 PM
: 11:23 PM Aaah! So that's where you went.
Next time inform lah okie don't just dissappear man.
Leong
Next time inform lah okie don't just dissappear man.
Leong
#
posted by : 11:34 PM
: 11:34 PM Dave,
Your blog is like an old friend to me. It's always good to see after a long spell. And it's good to catch up too, mate. All the best for the second op!
Post a Comment Your blog is like an old friend to me. It's always good to see after a long spell. And it's good to catch up too, mate. All the best for the second op!
#
posted by : 1:04 AM
: 1:04 AM<< Home
