It all started a couple of weeks ago with a phone call from my friend Glenn. He wanted advice. “It’s my girlfriend Shirley. She’s angry with me, dude. Won’t say a word. Won’t cook or clean or do my laundry. I haven’t even had sex for three days. I feel really bad man”.

I told him that I know nothing about relationships. That I was a big time loser. That he was better off asking Britney Spears for parenting advice. I couldn’t shake him off. “What about all the good stuff you write in your blog?” he asked defensively. “That’s all bullshit man. It’s all made up phony ramblings” I shot back. “Well, ramble me some phony advice then” he pleaded.

“Ok. Let me guess” I said smugly “You pissed her off and now you miss her madly, right?

“No, dude. I miss the sex madly” replied Glenn.

Thinking fast, I made up some advice that I thought was appropriate. Then a few days later Mark calls me. “I heard you gave Glenn some advice and now he and Shirley are all lovey dovey again” he said, sounding totally disgusted. “Err, could be. I’m a very busy guy and I can’t be expected to remember everything” I replied evasively, deciding to play it safe.

“Well it’s like this dude” said Mark “Nancy gave me the Jimmy Choo” “Huh? What the duck are you talking about?” I asked. “She gave me the boot, man” Mark said sadly. “I thought Datuk Jimmy Choo only made shoes, not boots” I said, totally confused. “Will you bloody get serious, mate? I’m like totally miserable here” Mark said through gritted teeth.

“Ok. Let me guess” I said smugly “You pissed her off and now you miss her madly, right?

“No, dude. I miss the sex madly” replied Mark.

So when I got a frantic panic call from Suresh at 3:17am last night that his girl Renuka had just fled the coop, I cut him short. “Let me guess” I said smugly “You pissed her off and now you miss the sex madly, right?

“What kind of a sick pervert are you, dude? I miss my darling ren-ren so much” replied Suresh indignantly.

*Sigh* …so in order to avoid future calls at ungodly hours, here goes…*sigh*….

5 Things You Should Never Say to a Woman

Women freak out. Often at you. Often for no discernible reason. You say something that you consider totally innocuous, or even downright nice, only to find that you've offended, enraged, or annoyed them.

Your first problem is that you’re attracted to women, a very weird group of people, That’s not going to go away. So here's a problem that you can solve: word choice. You need to know the phrases that, once introduced to her volatile atmosphere, will result in an explosion, quiet contempt or constant arguing, withering stares, and no sex, which is no picnic either). Therefore you need to strike them out from your vocabulary.

Forbidden Phrase #1: "Relax."

It might seem logical to tell a woman who's freaking out to relax. And if "logical" meant the same thing as "stupidest idea ever," you'd be correct. Understand this - a woman screaming and carrying on in anger or frustration or panic thinks that her response is 100 percent appropriate. If the situation has anything to do with you, she feels she has a responsibility to freak out extra to compensate for you remaining so maddeningly calm.

So when you tell her to relax, you're implying that your response (i.e. nothing) is correct. You're denying that there's a reason to be upset. You're telling her she's crazy. Women may sometimes feel crazy and joke about it, but anything smacking of an accusation of being crazy will be far from soothing.

Say..."I'm just as upset about this as you are. Let's deal with it together." This way she knows you're totally sympathetic. This should help her to...oh, God...relax.

Forbidden Phrase #2: "I love you." (During a fight)

In the movies, "I love you" is usually employed by men during appropriate situations like lovemaking, walks on the beach, airport reunions. In real life, a woman hears "I love you" most often at that point in a fight when she desperately wants to get to the bottom of the issue, which is exactly when you desperately want to stop this nonsense and watch CSI:NY - which you don't normally even watch.

When you come home shirtless from a bachelor party or forget her birthday and stand there in the face of her rage and crushing disappointment, do you really believe that merely stating the powerful existence of your love is going to make everything okay? Hello? Here’s a newsflash - it's not.

Say . . .

1. "[Insert detailed explanation of what you did and why you did it.]"

2. "It won't happen again."

3. "I love you." (It's okay at the end of the apology, just not at the beginning.)

And the next time you go to a bachelor party, you doofus, take along an extra shirt.

learn why silence isn't golden...

Forbidden Phrase #3: "It's up to you." ("Whatever you want to do is fine with me")

Relationships are full of decisions. You decide where to eat, where to go on vacation, what brand of condoms to use. Most men wouldn't dream of looking at their wife or girlfriend and say, "You know what? I just don't care." They would, however, say, "It's up to you." And immediately find themselves in a world of hurt and disappointment that they never saw coming.

Men think of decision-making as work without pay. For women, it's like window-shopping for life's possibilities, and they want us to help them shop. So when you say, "It's up to you," they feel abandoned.

Say . . . "I could definitely do A or B, but I'm not crazy about C. What are you thinking?" This shows you're listening, suggests you care, and very neatly gets you out of deciding.

Forbidden Phrase #4: "You knew I was this way when you married me."

Well, the truth is that she didn't. Or she knew deep down, but she was so busy enjoying her fantasy of you that she chose to ignore what was really there. It's not your fault. It's just that when they were little, girls spent so much time daydreaming about having the perfect life. Now that they're actually in grown-up life, they can't turn off their daydreaming switch.

Telling a woman, "You knew I was this way when you married me" is like saying the way your life is right now is the way it's going to be forever and ever. That may well be true--in many wonderful and not-so-wonderful ways. But if she were to accept that, a little part of her would die.

Say . . . "It frustrates me too, honey. I'm working on it." You know it's a big fat lie. That's okay. We’re talking survival of the male species here.

Forbidden Phrase #5: (Saying Nothing)

Many times, you may be afraid of saying the wrong thing. You think, If I just keep my mouth shut, I'll be okay. Well, ahem, no. Imagine you're playing in a football game in which there is no defender and no goalie. You would not enjoy that. Imagine yourself, head hanging, going to retrieve the ball yourself and, once again, kicking a goal to no one. That's how women feel when you don't talk to them.

Say . . . Anything. Kick the ball back. Kick it badly. Even risk kicking a wild shot and letting her take an extra free kick. Just keep your head in the game.

the magic words that will grant you forgiveness...

3 instant get-out-of-jail-free cards

When a woman wants to kill you, you have one thing going for you: Deep down, a tiny part of her wants you to make her not do it. She just might put down the samurai sword if you say one of the following sentences.

"Just tell me everything." I don't think a man has ever actually uttered this statement, so make history. Here's the thing: Their most violent anger is often the result of anticipating being forced to shut up. So once they're told they can give their entire, endless account--no rushing or defending ourselves--they cool off. Side benefit: They also get a little intimidated. They think, is this part important or interesting or relevant? They edit themselves.

"You are just so beautiful." The trick: You must say it as if it's just occurring to you at that moment, as if her pulchritude were a rainbow suddenly in your path, so stunning that it has left you incapacitated, emotionally stunted, but in a good way. Say it as if you can remember little else--certainly not whatever irksome matter you were just discussing. Works well as an alternative to "I love you". In the same way that butter makes anything taste better, it's an all-purpose remedy.

"Sorry. It was all my fault." So classic. So hard to say. Because it's never all your fault, of course. It's a very rare case in which she shouldn't also say she's sorry. Everyone likes to save face. Truly, there is nothing hotter to a woman than a man who's willing to admit he was wrong because he just loves her so damn much. You might feel like you're losing her respect, but unless you're always the one to apologize (which means you have a crazy woman on your hands), trust me, you're going to ace it.