A Fairy-Tale conjured up by a by a very stoned, twisted and perverted mind

Have you ever heard the story of the son of god, Santa Claus & Puff the Magic Dragon? No? Well sit down and I will tell you the tale. You're already sitting? No kidding, I guess Puff the Magic Dragon was right. He told me you'd be sitting down already.

Once upon a time the son of god was walking along when he saw a star fall out of the sky. He ran after the star, thinking the star might be hurt. When he found it however, he saw it wasn't a star at all. It was a fat old man named Santa Claus.

Santa Claus was bleeding and his suit was all red. The son of god helped Santa to his feet and asked "Are you okay?" "Ho ho ow ow ow." cried Santa, balling up his hands and crying. He took off his white hat and wiped his bloody nose on it. Now even his hat was red.

"No. I'm not okay. I just found out that God doesn't exist. My reindeer all laughed at me and told me 'You old fart. There's no God.' and then they flew off and I fell out of my magic sled because I was in shock and dismay."

"What." cried .the son of god. "What do you mean there's no God? Of course there is a God. I am his son. "Really?" asked Santa and he stopped crying. He looked at the skinny son of god with his scraggly beard. "You don't look like the son of a God - are you sure?"

"Oh yes. I was eating some wild coca berries and I had a vision of an angel, and the angel told me I was the son of God." "Are you sure the berries weren't bad?" asked the skeptical Santa.

"No, I'm sure because I asked my mother later and after I bugged her again and again, she finally admitted I was the son of god. She had an immaculate conception." boasted the son of god.

"An immaculate constipation?" asked Santa.

"An immaculate conception. You see god came down from heaven, turned into a magical mist and bonked my mother while she was sleeping." "God bonked your mother?" asked Santa, incredulous.

"Yep. And that’s why she had me and was still a virgin."

"How do you know your mother didn't just lie?" demanded Santa. "Are you calling my mother a liar?." shouted .the son of god, suddenly becoming angry and punched Santa twice in the nose until his nose turned red and started to bleed again.

"Aaargh!. Stop hitting me. I'm just saying that as nice as your mother is, she could have just lied so you would stop bugging her." cried Santa, grabbing his hat again and using it to catch all the blood.

"Hmm..." thought .the son of god. "You might be right. I did bug her for 40 days and 40 nights... after losing all that sleep, she might have lied." "So who is your real father if she did lie?" asked Santa.

"Joseph I guess. Except that can't be because my mother was a virgin when she and him got married. And god then beat Joseph to her, and bonked her before Joseph got a chance.to get his zippitydoodah up"

"What would have happened if someone else had bonked her before Joseph?" asked Santa, curious. "Oh, she would have been stoned to death. They might even have called her a witch and burned her for witchcraft."

"Or maybe they could have fed her to elves?" suggested Santa. "Fed her to the elves?" "Oh yes. Elves are mean little buggers with pointy ears and they like to play pranks on people. I know quite a few elves myself, I keep them locked in a dungeon where they make toys for me," explained Santa.

"And what do you do with the toys?" asked .the son of god. "Once a year, every December I fly around the world and deliver them to children that are good." "Wow, that must be a lot of kids. How many children do you deliver to?"

"Just three. The rest are all little monsters. The parents lie to them and buy them gifts anyway." growled Santa. Then he shrugged. "I do make a lot of money off selling the toys to WalMart however. The elves work for free."

"Wow." cried .the son of god and sat down, looking very thoughtful. "But why do you deliver the toys in the first place?" "Because a clock fell on my head years ago and it seemed like a good idea at the time. I've been doing that ever since."

"But why in December?" asked .the son of god. "I don't know. I guess people like buying gifts that time of the year. It is the Yuletide." "Oh you mean that old pagan belief about bringing a yule log to a friend's house in order to burn it and keep the place warm?"

"Yep." said Santa. "That old pagan belief is really profitable these days." .The son of god sighed. "My birthday is in March, but a lot of friends keep thinking its in December. Lazy bastards only give me yuletide presents in December and completely ignore my real birthday."

"So God bonked your mother and then you were born sometime in March?" asked Santa. "Yes, but now that I've starting thinking about it, that doesn't make sense. Why would god sneak into my mother's room and bonk her? Isn't that something an incubus would do?"

"Hmm..." thought Santa. "Yes, incubi are known to do that. Incubi are supposed to be fallen angels however, and if God doesn't exist then angels don't exist."

"And yet your little elves exist?" asked .the son of god, suddenly curious. Santa shook his head. "Sorry, I made that up to keep a secret. I buy the gifts from sweatshops in China. I'm a complete phony."

"So what creatures do exist?" asked .the son of god. "Magic reindeer?"

"That was made up by the Swedish people, I borrowed it from them," admitted Santa. I actually have the bastards high on weed most of the time.

"What about vampires?" asked .the son of god.

"That’s a gypsy myth about a tribe of cannibals that got out of control."

"Goblins?"

"Don't make me laugh. That’s from a nursery rhyme."

"The flying monkeys in the Wizard of Oz?"

"Made up by some guy in the United States."

"Dragons?"

"Based on bones of dinosaurs that someone dug up and they invented legends to explain the bones."

"Zombies?"

"Go watch a 1970s Hollywood movie sometime. Cheesy effects."

"Angels?"

"Ripped off from Sumerian legends about flying air spirits."

"Succubi?"

"Originally a religion that worshipped a bird goddess named Lilith in Mesopotamia, but was later changed by a group of people who worshipped a different god."

"Incubi?"

"Greek myth to explain why women got pregnant and why we have rapists in society. According to the Greeks, all rapists are the sons of incubi."

"Kangaroos?"

"Oh those do exist, but when you meet one, they really aren't that exciting." laughed Santa.

"What about leprechauns?"

"Invented by the Irish who needed something to scare their children with."

"Struvvelpeter?"

"German myth about a guy who lives in the woods with really long fingernails. Again, it was just to scare children."

"What about the devil?"

"Hmm..." thought Santa. "I don't know. If the devil exists, then he too is a fallen angel, which means God does exist."

"Have you ever seen any proof that the devil exists?"

"Aside from people saying 'the devil made me do it'? Nope,nothing." Santa seemed rather sad.

"The world almost seemed like a happier place when we thought these things all existed," admitted the son of god, also sad. What about Eden?"

"Nope."

"Heaven?"

"No"

"Hell?"

"If it does exist, we're already living in it"

"The Land of Oz?"

"Again with that American? Don't you know Americans are full of shit?"

"Especially Nixon," agreed .the son of god.

"Yes," said Santa. "Although Bush is fast catching up to him."

"I know." cried .the son of god. "Puff the Magic Dragon. He exists. He has to."

"Puff the Magic Dragon?" asked Santa. "I've never heard of him."

"Yes, Puff the Magic Dragon. And to prove it, lets go for a walk and find him." declared .the son of god.

So the son of god and Santa Claus stood up and went for a walk.

They walked across Palestine, and they found no Puff The Magic Dragon.
They walked across Egypt, and they found no Puff The Magic Dragon.

They walked across Africa, and they found no Puff The Magic Dragon.

They swam over to America, and they found no Puff The Magic Dragon.

They swam over to Japan, and they found no Puff The Magic Dragon.

They swam over to China, and they found several pandas, but no Puff The Magic Dragon.

Finally in Tibet, Santa Claus and the son of god sat down to have a smoke break and share a reefer with some Tibetan monks.

It was while they were high on weed that Santa Claus, The son of god and a bunch of monks finally saw Puff the Magic Dragon.

He was big and fat and rather purple looking.

Puff the Magic Dragon walked by them and said "Yo homeys, wassup?". .The son of god looked at Santa and said: "Ha ha, Dude, I told you so. Puff the Magic Dragon does exist." Santa laughed and giggled and said "Bodacious, man. You were right, but what do we do now?" The son of god shrugged. "I don't know. I don't really want to worship Puff The Magic Dragon however."

The monk next to them giggled. "Why worship anything at all? Nothing exists."

Santa and .the son of god looked at the monk and laughed like only a pair of stoned idiots could. "You're right monkie. Nothing exists. I guess we should stay here and worship nothingness instead?"

"Only if you feel like it," said the monk as he passed the reefer to them.

The son of god took a long drag, coughed and passed it to Santa. "I think I've finally figured out why people like religion. They have nothing else to believe in and are usually high and stupid all the time."

Santa giggled and passed the reefer to another monk. "So now we're just plain high. I don't know about you, but I'm going back to Florida and I'm going to get rich selling Christmas presents."

"You live in Florida?" asked .the son of god. "I thought you lived in the North Pole."

"No such pole and its too cold in northern Canada. Besides, Disneyland is just down the street from my place," said Santa, feeling kind of happy and stood up. "Well, I'm off to Florida to make money off of gullible Americans. See you later."

The son of god laughed and waved good-bye. He took one last puff on the reefer and passed it to a monk."Where are you going?" asked the monk as .the son of god stood up.

"I'm going back to Palestine to start a cult that preaches love and tolerance." declared .the son of god. "I figure if I can pull off some stunts like walking on water, maybe I can get people to follow me around like ducks and give me money."

"That’s not a very nice thing to do. Messing with people’s minds and their religion is risky business. They might kill you for it," said the monk.

The son of god shrugged. "I admit it’s not nice, but sooner or later people will realize this religion thing can manipulate them like a big hoax. It’s no more real than elves, goblins, leprechauns and vampires. If they're that stupid and gullible, that’s not my problem."

The monk threw away the reefer. "Why not stay here and meditate on the beauty of life around you?"

"No thanks. Beauty is an illusion just like religion is. It’s an illusion for stupid people who can't think for themselves. They can't see the reality around them. This world is a harsh place full of corruption. By making a group of gullible people think there really is a God, maybe then they will be nicer people."

The monk sighed, a bit sad but amused at the same time. The son of god laughed. "If people want to believe in angels, devils, fairies and elves then they should go read Lord of the Rings or some such nonsense."

"There are many books of fairy tales out there," said the monk, very thoughtful."Yes, but I think the world needs one that's even better..." said the son of god.

So .the son of god sat back down and told the monk of his plan to go around telling fairy tales of a God who didn't exist. A bunch of people sat down 400 years later and wrote a book containing all of these fairy tales. To this day it has been the top-selling book in world history. It is a magical mystical story about a God, lots of animals, the son of god and many other wonderful stories that roughly 500 million people in the world actually believe is real.

Meanwhile, the planet has 6 billion people and the vast majority of them are Buddhist. After that is Islam, the second largest religion.

I'm not saying religion is bad. All religions per se preach good, but there is tremendous room for manipulation based on one's interpretation of the same basic facts. This to me explains the many denominations, variations, offshoots, deviations and cults.

So go worship a god if it makes you feel good. Just use your brains to separate the facts from the bullshit Make sure you're not stoned from smoking too much weed and that there's nothing in the water you're drinking that makes you gullible.

Santa Claus my ass.

I hope this story disturbed you. I hope it made you think about the nature of reality and the world around you. We should be giving money to schools and educating people Religion kinda blinds people if they believe in it wholesale. An education opens minds to their reality. This is my message to you for 2007.

Sadly many people would rather believe in fairy-tales than face reality.