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"You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the guy next to you." - Anonymous
Sunday, October 09, 2005
TELEPHONE THERAPHY
I recently had the misfortune to call Celcom’s toll-free line to inquire about my bill. The call resulted in me having to listen to a spiel about how wonderful Celcom was for ten minutes, and then having to navigate my way through a series of pre-recorded menus before I could finally speak with their perpetually busy customer service representatives.
Therefore I’ve come up with a more humane solution:
IF ONLY ALL PHONE LINES WOULD BE MORE USER-FRIENDLY…
“HELLO AND WELCOME TO THE MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE”
IF YOU ARE OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE, PRESS 1, CLEAN YOUR PHONE AND RE-ALIGN IT TO ITS EXACT FORMER LOCATION IMMEDIATELY.
IF YOU ARE CO-DEPENDANT, PLEASE ASK SOMEONE TO PRESS 2 FOR YOU.
IF YOU HAVE MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES, PRESS 4, 5 AND 6.
IF YOU ARE PARANOID, WE KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU WANT. STAY ON THE LINE SO WE CAN TRACE YOUR CALL.
IF YOU ARE DELUSIONAL, PRESS 7, AND YOUR CALL WILL BE TRANSFERRED TO PAK LAH, OUR PRIME MINISTER.
IF YOU ARE SCHIZOPRENIC, LISTEN CAREFULLY AND A SMALL VOICE WILL TELL YOU WHAT DIGIT TO PRESS.
IF YOU ARE A MANIC-DEPRESSIVE, IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU PRESS…NO ONE WILL ANSWER.
IF YOU ARE DYSLEXIC, PRESS 96969696969696969696969696969696.
IF YOU HAVE A NERVOUS DISORDER, PLEASE FIDGET WITH THE HASH KEY UNTIL THE OPERATOR COMES ONLINE.
IF YOU HAVE AMNESIA, PRESS 8 AND STATE YOUR NAME, ADDRESS, PHONE NUMBER, DATE OF BIRTH, ID NUMBER, AND YOUR MOTHER’S MAIDEN NAME.
IF YOU HAVE POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER, SLOWLY AND CAREFULLY PRESS 000.
IF YOU HAVE SHORT TERM MEMORY LOSS, PLEASE TRY CALLING AGAIN. THAT IS IF YOU REMEMBER.
IF YOU HAVE BI-POLAR DISORDER, PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE AFTER THE BEEP. OR BEFORE THE BEEP. OR AFTER THE BEEP. WHAT’S A BEEP? PLEASE WAIT FOR THE BEEP.
IF YOU SUFFER FROM LOW SELF-ESTEEM, PLEASE HANG UP. OUR OPERATORS ARE FAR TOO BUSY TO TALK TO YOU.
Therefore I’ve come up with a more humane solution:
IF ONLY ALL PHONE LINES WOULD BE MORE USER-FRIENDLY…
“HELLO AND WELCOME TO THE MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE”
IF YOU ARE OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE, PRESS 1, CLEAN YOUR PHONE AND RE-ALIGN IT TO ITS EXACT FORMER LOCATION IMMEDIATELY.
IF YOU ARE CO-DEPENDANT, PLEASE ASK SOMEONE TO PRESS 2 FOR YOU.
IF YOU HAVE MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES, PRESS 4, 5 AND 6.
IF YOU ARE PARANOID, WE KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU WANT. STAY ON THE LINE SO WE CAN TRACE YOUR CALL.
IF YOU ARE DELUSIONAL, PRESS 7, AND YOUR CALL WILL BE TRANSFERRED TO PAK LAH, OUR PRIME MINISTER.
IF YOU ARE SCHIZOPRENIC, LISTEN CAREFULLY AND A SMALL VOICE WILL TELL YOU WHAT DIGIT TO PRESS.
IF YOU ARE A MANIC-DEPRESSIVE, IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU PRESS…NO ONE WILL ANSWER.
IF YOU ARE DYSLEXIC, PRESS 96969696969696969696969696969696.
IF YOU HAVE A NERVOUS DISORDER, PLEASE FIDGET WITH THE HASH KEY UNTIL THE OPERATOR COMES ONLINE.
IF YOU HAVE AMNESIA, PRESS 8 AND STATE YOUR NAME, ADDRESS, PHONE NUMBER, DATE OF BIRTH, ID NUMBER, AND YOUR MOTHER’S MAIDEN NAME.
IF YOU HAVE POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER, SLOWLY AND CAREFULLY PRESS 000.
IF YOU HAVE SHORT TERM MEMORY LOSS, PLEASE TRY CALLING AGAIN. THAT IS IF YOU REMEMBER.
IF YOU HAVE BI-POLAR DISORDER, PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE AFTER THE BEEP. OR BEFORE THE BEEP. OR AFTER THE BEEP. WHAT’S A BEEP? PLEASE WAIT FOR THE BEEP.
IF YOU SUFFER FROM LOW SELF-ESTEEM, PLEASE HANG UP. OUR OPERATORS ARE FAR TOO BUSY TO TALK TO YOU.
Comments:
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You came up with that, you say? Puhleese...it's a cut and paste job! Give credit when credit is due la, dude! :)
you're right, anjali. when i said i came up with that, i didn't mean i wrote it personally. unfortunately i don't know the original author. do you?
- dave
- dave
Nope, don't know the original author. But regardless, it's still uncool to give the impression that you "came up" with it...as it's just as uncool to be a self-appointed blog police. Heh.
no worries, anjali. i know you meant well & i always welcome constructive flaming. how else to improve? like your blog, btw. cheers.
-Dave
-Dave
:) I like the Multipersonality one. lol made me laugh. at least on a not very good day. your blog made me laugh :)
-Cassandra
Post a Comment -Cassandra
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