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"You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the guy next to you." - Anonymous
Sunday, July 03, 2005
I THINK I’VE BEEN SINGLE FOR TOO LONG
I attend a lot of events in the course of my work, and am generally a very social person so I’m always being asked “where’s the other half?” The truth is there is no other half. Hasn’t been for some time now, since I got dumped just before my illness in 2003.
I have no interest in a relationship at the moment. I'm battling a serious weight problem as the steroids I have to take to control my condition causes water retention and I've put on a shitload of lard. Sure, if it happens it would be great as in the hustle and bustle of this crazy world we all crave a little companionship, but I'm not holding my alcohol-laced breath.
I have no interest in a relationship at the moment. I'm battling a serious weight problem as the steroids I have to take to control my condition causes water retention and I've put on a shitload of lard. Sure, if it happens it would be great as in the hustle and bustle of this crazy world we all crave a little companionship, but I'm not holding my alcohol-laced breath.
I’ve noticed some guys, however, seem to be better at finding it than others. There are those who can reel in the women with ease, while others struggle like amateur anglers using cotton tied to a drinking straw.
Being single for too long can have some profound ill effects, and not just on your libido. Fly solo for an extended period of time and you'll go beyond just losing your game - you'll turn you into a socially-contorted creature that would make Frankenstein seem like Brad Pitt.
There are no women in your life
Not only have you stopped dating, your life is devoid of any female companionship whatsoever. You have no female friends. Colleagues of the opposite sex at work seem to avoid you. Your friends won't even talk to you about women anymore, either because they're embarrassed to or figure that you're so out of the loop that you'll have nothing meaningful to contribute to the discussion.
If the only female relationship you have is with your mother, then you need to change that - quick. The influence of a maternal figure over too long a period of time can be very detrimental, particularly to the chronic bachelor. As far-fetched as it may seem, you may come to unwittingly rate the women you meet on how they measure up to your mama. If you find yourself looking for a love interest that wears floral blouses, has a '70s perm and will tuck you in at night... seek help, dude.
You're desperate
Loneliness is a terrible thing, and desperation is its ugly child. There are some key signs that desperation has taken hold of your mind like a giant mutant squid. An extreme example could be that you're considering putting in for a mail-order bride. Whatever you may tell yourself, there is nothing chivalrous about joining in matrimony with an unseen woman that makes her living collecting pennies from wishing wells in a country ravaged by civil war.
Of course, there are other more subtle signs of desperation (more subtle, but really not subtle at all). Owning a blow-up doll is definitely one, as is referring to it as your "companion" or "life partner." You know you've truly hit rock bottom when your family suggests that your cousin is still single, and you actually start to see the logic behind such an arrangement.
You don't care about etiquette
The influence of a woman is usually the only thing keeping men presentable. In the absence of one you will see your sense of etiquette slowly disappear, like an asteroid into a black hole.
It starts with a general disheveled appearance, then dining manners become a thing of the past. Things escalate from here, and soon you're eating like a literal pig - quickly and without utensils, accompanied by a chorus of bodily noises like farts, burps or both at the same time. Not that you need food or any other props to repulse the opposite sex when in the company of females you have no discretion about scratching your crotch or readjusting your underpants -- sometimes using both hands.
You're addicted to porn
There's a good chance that you need to get out more when your primary form of entertainment is pornography. There's cause for concern when you get upgraded to VIP status at your local vcd stall, and all new arrivals are sms-ed to you under "Gold Status." If said new arrivals are the opening step in a weekend celebration that involves breaking out the "Pleasure Box," complete with lotions, pumps and inflatable "companion," It's time to re-evaluate your priorities.
A porn obsession becomes especially dangerous when it begins to poison the rest of your life. It should be worrying when you take to referring to everyone in your office by porn star-style names, like calling Tricia in accounting "Trish the Dish."
You're looking to science
You've given up on finding a real female companion, and are now looking to the world of science to provide you with one. You follow any developments in the fields of bioengineering and virtual reality with great interest. In fact, you may have even sketched out some of your own blueprints you drew on a cocktail napkin. You may not be conscious of this secret wish, but it's always in the back of your mind. And you really need to shake it, because it's just not healthy.
People think you're gay
Because you don't hang around women and there's no evidence that you have any interest in them, people start believing that you swing the other way. Maybe you've noticed that a usually foul-mouthed homophobic colleague is rather PC in your presence. Or maybe your buddy has started bringing his gay cousin George over all the time, and people seem to always be prodding you two to chat or leaving you in rooms alone together.
Don't get angry at them for jumping to conclusions. Since you spend all your time preparing get-togethers with buddies and none of it on dates with women, what do you expect them to think?
You read too much into things
Your unfortunate addiction to pornography has shrouded you in a fantasy life where all women desire you. Every innocent encounter with a female becomes loaded with meaning. When the chick at the drive-through window hands you your burger and fries and says, "Have a nice day," you hear, "I want you now."
When the girl in the elevator takes a second glance at the piece of food on your tie, you read it as a soul-searching gaze of passion, and start daydreaming of an erotic rendezvous in the broom closet. Even the bag lady on the corner seems to purse her lips at your stature.
Every kind gesture and polite nod has you believing that love is in the cards. But take a look at your hand and you'll see that you're really holding the Joker.
You're awkward around women
A good reason why you have no relationships with women is because you have no clue how to behave around them. You stare at women, and when they catch you doing so, believe that they're not just flattered, but aroused (another unfortunate offshoot of your pornography addiction). When you actually string together a few dates with a girl, you blow it by doing something weird like buying her lingerie on the third date (you've been out of the dating world for so long that you've forgotten the proper sequence of a relationship).
If all that's not weird enough, you're mean to women. You'll be cruel to them in front of your friends, just to show the guys that it's not that you can't pick up, but that you don't care about chicks. One-on-one, however, your true desperation will come out, and you'll be unusually nice -- sketching them out all the more.
You find faults in all women
Another unfortunate side-effect of being single for too long is excessive pickiness. You find faults with every woman you come across, and most of your criticisms have no basis in reality. You seek out ridiculous and microscopic flaws in even the most beautiful women: uneven teeth, wide pores, an elongated nose, or elbows that look like they might chafe you.
Maybe you've deluded yourself into thinking that you really are a superlative catch. But it's likely that you're now so frightened of pursuing women that you use artificial pickiness as an excuse not to do so.
single out bachelorhood
If any of these symptoms apply to you, not only do you need help, but you needed it six months ago. You've been alone too long and it's taking its toll on your physical and mental state. Read these signs for what they are and get back into the game. You need a hot injection of womanly love... pronto!
Come to think of it, so do I…
Being single for too long can have some profound ill effects, and not just on your libido. Fly solo for an extended period of time and you'll go beyond just losing your game - you'll turn you into a socially-contorted creature that would make Frankenstein seem like Brad Pitt.
There are no women in your life
Not only have you stopped dating, your life is devoid of any female companionship whatsoever. You have no female friends. Colleagues of the opposite sex at work seem to avoid you. Your friends won't even talk to you about women anymore, either because they're embarrassed to or figure that you're so out of the loop that you'll have nothing meaningful to contribute to the discussion.
If the only female relationship you have is with your mother, then you need to change that - quick. The influence of a maternal figure over too long a period of time can be very detrimental, particularly to the chronic bachelor. As far-fetched as it may seem, you may come to unwittingly rate the women you meet on how they measure up to your mama. If you find yourself looking for a love interest that wears floral blouses, has a '70s perm and will tuck you in at night... seek help, dude.
You're desperate
Loneliness is a terrible thing, and desperation is its ugly child. There are some key signs that desperation has taken hold of your mind like a giant mutant squid. An extreme example could be that you're considering putting in for a mail-order bride. Whatever you may tell yourself, there is nothing chivalrous about joining in matrimony with an unseen woman that makes her living collecting pennies from wishing wells in a country ravaged by civil war.
Of course, there are other more subtle signs of desperation (more subtle, but really not subtle at all). Owning a blow-up doll is definitely one, as is referring to it as your "companion" or "life partner." You know you've truly hit rock bottom when your family suggests that your cousin is still single, and you actually start to see the logic behind such an arrangement.
You don't care about etiquette
The influence of a woman is usually the only thing keeping men presentable. In the absence of one you will see your sense of etiquette slowly disappear, like an asteroid into a black hole.
It starts with a general disheveled appearance, then dining manners become a thing of the past. Things escalate from here, and soon you're eating like a literal pig - quickly and without utensils, accompanied by a chorus of bodily noises like farts, burps or both at the same time. Not that you need food or any other props to repulse the opposite sex when in the company of females you have no discretion about scratching your crotch or readjusting your underpants -- sometimes using both hands.
You're addicted to porn
There's a good chance that you need to get out more when your primary form of entertainment is pornography. There's cause for concern when you get upgraded to VIP status at your local vcd stall, and all new arrivals are sms-ed to you under "Gold Status." If said new arrivals are the opening step in a weekend celebration that involves breaking out the "Pleasure Box," complete with lotions, pumps and inflatable "companion," It's time to re-evaluate your priorities.
A porn obsession becomes especially dangerous when it begins to poison the rest of your life. It should be worrying when you take to referring to everyone in your office by porn star-style names, like calling Tricia in accounting "Trish the Dish."
You're looking to science
You've given up on finding a real female companion, and are now looking to the world of science to provide you with one. You follow any developments in the fields of bioengineering and virtual reality with great interest. In fact, you may have even sketched out some of your own blueprints you drew on a cocktail napkin. You may not be conscious of this secret wish, but it's always in the back of your mind. And you really need to shake it, because it's just not healthy.
People think you're gay
Because you don't hang around women and there's no evidence that you have any interest in them, people start believing that you swing the other way. Maybe you've noticed that a usually foul-mouthed homophobic colleague is rather PC in your presence. Or maybe your buddy has started bringing his gay cousin George over all the time, and people seem to always be prodding you two to chat or leaving you in rooms alone together.
Don't get angry at them for jumping to conclusions. Since you spend all your time preparing get-togethers with buddies and none of it on dates with women, what do you expect them to think?
You read too much into things
Your unfortunate addiction to pornography has shrouded you in a fantasy life where all women desire you. Every innocent encounter with a female becomes loaded with meaning. When the chick at the drive-through window hands you your burger and fries and says, "Have a nice day," you hear, "I want you now."
When the girl in the elevator takes a second glance at the piece of food on your tie, you read it as a soul-searching gaze of passion, and start daydreaming of an erotic rendezvous in the broom closet. Even the bag lady on the corner seems to purse her lips at your stature.
Every kind gesture and polite nod has you believing that love is in the cards. But take a look at your hand and you'll see that you're really holding the Joker.
You're awkward around women
A good reason why you have no relationships with women is because you have no clue how to behave around them. You stare at women, and when they catch you doing so, believe that they're not just flattered, but aroused (another unfortunate offshoot of your pornography addiction). When you actually string together a few dates with a girl, you blow it by doing something weird like buying her lingerie on the third date (you've been out of the dating world for so long that you've forgotten the proper sequence of a relationship).
If all that's not weird enough, you're mean to women. You'll be cruel to them in front of your friends, just to show the guys that it's not that you can't pick up, but that you don't care about chicks. One-on-one, however, your true desperation will come out, and you'll be unusually nice -- sketching them out all the more.
You find faults in all women
Another unfortunate side-effect of being single for too long is excessive pickiness. You find faults with every woman you come across, and most of your criticisms have no basis in reality. You seek out ridiculous and microscopic flaws in even the most beautiful women: uneven teeth, wide pores, an elongated nose, or elbows that look like they might chafe you.
Maybe you've deluded yourself into thinking that you really are a superlative catch. But it's likely that you're now so frightened of pursuing women that you use artificial pickiness as an excuse not to do so.
single out bachelorhood
If any of these symptoms apply to you, not only do you need help, but you needed it six months ago. You've been alone too long and it's taking its toll on your physical and mental state. Read these signs for what they are and get back into the game. You need a hot injection of womanly love... pronto!
Come to think of it, so do I…
Comments:
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u been away for so long and that's the best u can come ut with? u losing it, my fren.
- bored mat salleh
- bored mat salleh
#
posted by 
: 1:29 PM
: 1:29 PM dave, you always crack me up with your idiosyncratic observations.
- the stoned musician
- the stoned musician
#
posted by : 1:30 PM
: 1:30 PM joe... would you even recognise a chick even if she landed on your lap?
X-fool
X-fool
#
posted by : 2:38 PM
: 2:38 PM Dai Macha,
It's about time u came back online and regaled us with ur misadventures. dun go missing again u bladdyfool cos we miss ya.
- da bangsar hip hop gang
It's about time u came back online and regaled us with ur misadventures. dun go missing again u bladdyfool cos we miss ya.
- da bangsar hip hop gang
#
posted by : 6:15 PM
: 6:15 PM yo x-fool,
mebbe my lap wouldn't recognise the girl but i guarantee you the wanker wound immediately stand to attention in her honour. hee hee.
dave avran
mebbe my lap wouldn't recognise the girl but i guarantee you the wanker wound immediately stand to attention in her honour. hee hee.
dave avran
Dave, just wanted to say I quite enjoy your writing. Will post again when I've read more...
Elaine
Post a Comment Elaine
#
posted by : 11:53 PM
: 11:53 PM<< Home
