Spankin' DA Monkey - Dave Avran's blog: How To Decipher Women

"You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the guy next to you." - Anonymous

Saturday, July 09, 2005

How To Decipher Women

Have you ever noticed how a woman not interested in you (for example, a happily married woman) has no problem interacting with you breezily and confidently, whereas a woman who ultimately turned out to be interested was a much tougher nut to crack?

That's because the interested woman sees you as a potential mate, and wants to put you through tests to see if you're worthy. And someone putting you through tests will automatically be much more on her guard, as she's preparing, if you pass, to put herself in a vulnerable position with you.

Obvious enough, right?

Sure, but the important point is not why this is happening, but how you can get her to let her guard down, the better to penetrate her inner sanctum of happiness and become part of it, even if just for one night. The goal here is to say something that has the same effect as "I'm married" (i.e. "I'm not a threat to pick you up"). Once you've gotten her to be more herself and have gained her trust, you two are ready to roll.

Read on to find out what to do, and what not to do, to get a woman feeling more relaxed around you while you chat her up.

Bring up an interesting topic
A good general topic is celebrity relationships, which many women enjoy discussing. One possible way you could sidle up to this one is to start a conversation about recent movies you've seen. But since that doesn't work for everybody, your best move is to ask her about herself in a playful manner, e.g. "What does an attractive woman like you do for fun?" That gets a compliment out there while also entreating her to talk about herself. Remember; as Dale Carnegie said, those considered the best conversationalists are the best listeners.

Get her opinion
While chatting, don't simply talk about current events, for example, without delving deeper. How does she feel about what you're talking about? You can start out with something simple like favorite movie stars, but do try to elicit her opinions. "Why do you think Brad Pitt just left her like that?" "Do you think he did the right thing?" Ask her opinion before necessarily divulging yours (or she might just parrot you), but not always, or it will become formulaic ("What do you think about this?" "What about that?" etc.) and she will feel compromised, in that she's always stating her position without knowing yours, making her vulnerable.

Eliciting her opinion serves several purposes:

1. It shows you really care about what she thinks.
2. Whether you agree or disagree, you can turn it to your advantage. If you agree: you have something in common, and can talk further on the subject. If you disagree: you can start playfully teasing her about her opinion. Teasing leads the way to sexual teasing and innuendo, which spices things up.

Try to agree more at first, to make her feel an affinity with you. Once you've established a little common ground, you can start to disagree more (cue teasing). Never disagree with everything she says, no matter what your opinion, or you'll seem like a jerk. Agree too much, however, and she'll see you either as her soul mate (if she's searching for one) or spineless (if she's on the prowl like you).

If a woman is very reluctant to divulge her opinions, it may well be a sign that either a) she is not interested in you, or b) she is boring. Neither is good, so move on.

Make like Chris Rock and if that doesn't work, call your regular weed supplier and head to the happy place -- it may just garner you a happy ending...

Make her laugh
The ultimate weapon. If you can make a woman laugh, you're more than halfway home. Laughter loosens up conversation and the overall pickup. The thing is, it has to be natural, not planned. Women's No. 1 turn-on is confidence, and approaching with a pat pickup line or joke to tell means you're resorting to a formula. Just be yourself, and hopefully that's a funny, spontaneous self.

Bring her to a happy place & stay positive
Maybe you're not the funniest guy in the world. There are still other ways to rub her conversational belly without necessarily bringing her to tears of laughter. Make her feel positive by talking about happy subjects -- vacation, for example. She's either been on one recently and can tell you about that, or will be going soon and is excited with anticipation. Either way, it's a more positive subject than famine in Africa.

It doesn't have to be only fluffy subjects, though. You can talk about politics, if that's what she's into, but make light of it along the way, ridiculing people as you see fit or, even safer, the system in general. If you can show a woman that you can see the lighter side of any issue, you then become her chaperone to light-hearted times and represent a refreshing escape from the duties that define our daily routines.

Call her on her "bitch shield"
If she is giving you a hard time or obviously putting effort into being standoffish, say something like "Why are you so cold?" or "How's being crabby working out for ya?" Oftentimes, after being called on their behavior, women will snap out of it and reverse their attitude, opening up just to prove you wrong. No matter, your goal of having her open up is achieved.

Give her an original compliment...
Tell a girl she has nice eyes when she doesn't and it will seem so mechanical, you might as well insult her. On the other hand, try to steer clear of obvious compliments. You'll get a lot more bang from a compliment she hasn't heard before. Compliment her belt, watch, shoes -- whatever. The goal is to get her to crack a smile.

The key, obviously, is to be observant. I happen to be a very visual person, which goes over extremely well -- when used properly. Instead of "You have nice lips," I'll say something like "Your lips are such a great shape. Good proportion, bottom lip just the right amount of pouty, but not so pouty that I could sit on it... Your whole lip/lipstick combination, it really works." A confident, tongue-in-cheek delivery is important.

Complimenting her ensemble is a good move because you can point out that it's well put together (to her credit), and also that it looks good on her (which is to her credit, in that she knows what flatters her, and also a straight up "you're hot" compliment). This makes her feel noticed and appreciated, so that she'll feel less insecure and will relax more.

Rather than giving many little compliments, try to use one solid, original showstopper. Look misty-eyed and distracted, as if mesmerized by what you're about to compliment. This will effectively "stop the show."

Use Negative Hits
If you fawn all over her and never give her a dose of reality, she will quickly grow tired of your overly positive, wolf-crying chatter. Hot women don't need another fan club, they need a challenge. Breaking up conversation with the odd Negative Hit or tease (adapted to her personality, of course) will tell her she can also speak her mind freely. Then, watch the sparks fly.

Be honest about playing the field
Don't come out and tell her that you're doing so, but if the subject of pickups does come up (for example, if you make the crack in the previous section), you definitely shouldn't lie about your success. (e.g. "I've done alright for myself, thanks. But hey, weren't we talking about needlework or some other pressing matter?") If you treat it like it's no big deal, you will a) show confidence, and b) give her an idea of the truth without being blunt, so there will be no surprises later about your lack of interest in having a girlfriend.

Talk to her wingwoman
If you're not getting too much traction with your target, talk to her friend. It always pays to get in good with the friends, as their opinion is valued, and your woman's jealousy at the attention she's suddenly not getting could well work in your favor. Don't come on too strong with her friend or you'll look like a letch; just be interested and gentlemanly. Then, when they're powdering their noses, her wingwoman will tell your target, "He's cute. If you're not interested, I might go for him." However that conversation ends, you're set.

Don't talk about sex right away
Let her get comfortable with you before you introduce the subject. And when you do bring it up, it should obviously be in a joking way. You can say something like: "Look at all these guys here trying to pick up. Like dogs in heat, I tell ya."

Turn a cliché around
Instead of the usual "Can I buy you a drink?" say something like, "I know you're usually forced to buy drinks for guys at the bar and risk rejection by making the first move, so I thought I'd go against the grain and offer you a drink instead." Otherwise, you might say out of the blue, "A drink? Why yes, so nice of you to offer, I'd love a drink! You're some forward girl. I'll have to be careful with you. Let's see, what would I like to drink..." etc.

Dance around her
Give her a sexual vibe by paying attention to her on the dance floor, but don't invade her personal space. You want her to feel attracted, not creeped out.

Don't jump to conclusions
Nothing makes a person clam up faster than if they feel they've been pigeonholed. Let's say you give her the up and down and, based on her low-cut jeans and bellybutton ring, ask her out of the blue what she thinks of the latest Christina Aguilera album. She'll either think you obviously take her for a fan based on her attire, or else, if she has low self-esteem, she may feel silly for not having an opinion.

Never assume, always ask. If you want to bring up this subject, sidle up to it, or just ask her what her musical interests are. Then, when you bring up Aguilera, it will seem more like it's also your interest (which she may indeed share), rather than something you've projected onto her.

In the end, study all these ideas beforehand rather than over-thinking them on the fly, then just be your charming self. Remember; you have to be confident and natural if you want a woman to mirror you.

Disclaimer: Dave Avran has the most pathetic record with women on this planet so any advice on that particular subject coming from him should be taken with a huge pinch of sodium chloride. You have been warned. So there.

Posted by: Dave Avran / 8:34 PM

Comments:

No wonder you're still single -
You're so clueless.

# posted by

Anonymous : 8:26 AM

Dave, just wanted to say I quite enjoy your writing. Will post again when I've read more...

Elaine

# posted by

Anonymous : 1:01 PM

hey dave,

is that a promise? *wink wink*

X-fool

# posted by

Anonymous : 1:02 PM

Hey Elaine,

thanks for the compliement *blush*

Yo X-Fool,

its true, the wanker's been a beast these few days and he's dying fr action!

# posted by

Dave Avran : 1:05 PM

Go back to your habitat.

# posted by

Anonymous : 2:49 PM

Err.. is this about how to decipher women or how to pick up women?

I can tell you one thing from a woman's point of view. Biggest turn off is a guy who can't stop talking about himself. If he doesn't, it's a pathetic attempt at trying not to talk about himself. Eg. "I want to know what you're thinking...about me." (wtf) I'd rather be single!!

# posted by

Anonymous : 8:21 PM

Biggest turn off is a guy who thinks he knows how to read a woman. Man, you're WAY off the mark. Try a different platform - on Uranus.

# posted by

Anonymous : 10:18 PM

Biggest misconception is a person who has an opinion on everything and proceeds to insult and hides behind "anonymous".

the blog is fiction and meant merely to entertain. sheesh.

dave avran

# posted by

Dave Avran : 7:23 AM

oh come on! I am sure some hot mama must be lusting after you... *growl*

X-fool

# posted by

Anonymous : 3:33 PM

Hiya mate. Most of the stuff (few cliched from women/men/sex magazines) do make sense, and may work. But the world is no longer a place for honest guys. You can't be yourself. Its all about careful manure...shit wrong spelling, manouevering (can't get it right)and strategising. Impressing. B.S. But they seemed to work. Take a ride of the world that seemed to revolve around them. Maaaaaan. I'm gonna be hated for saying this. But good job. Will be visiting your blog from time to time.

# posted by

Rakesh Kumar : 3:56 PM

hey poison,

thanks for your comments. please do link my blog with yours. it would be good if i could have your email address then we could get a good discussion going :)

- dave

# posted by

Dave Avran : 11:05 PM

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Saturday, July 09, 2005

How To Decipher Women