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"You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the guy next to you." - Anonymous
Sunday, March 06, 2005
Baldilocks And The Three Hairs
Now there’s an oxymoron for a title – baldilocks. Makes a good name for a restaurant, don’t ya think?
Whether you consider male-pattern baldness a pesky genetic predisposition or God's way of saying "I love everyone except you—have fun in hell," we can all agree that fleeing follicles suck. You might want to stand your ground by spending thousands on plugs, like our honourable minister Samy Vellu.
The comb-over, however, gets you a few more points for keeping it natural and, of course, utterly ridiculous. Unless you're Ron Howard and have enough money to make not only a comb-over, but a red comb-over, look attractive, do yourself a favor and submit to the clippers, like sexy Bruce Willis and *ahem* me.
"Toupee or not toupee?"
For starters, most of them look fake and people can tell at a glance. Moveover wearing a rug tells people that you’re vain as hell. Plus, what would you do if your scalp itches in public?
Of course, you could give in to the multibillion dollar hair restoration industry which targets your insecurities with clever advertisements. Not only are transplants and restoration expensive, they leave scars and are not 100% effective. Plus, you’re tied up with them for life for “maintenance treatments”. Read that as “give us your money till you die”.
Of course there are also miracle cures, rogaine and propecia et al which promise a lush regrowth of hair for the follically challenged. At the most, it’s just snake oil – all smoke and no bang with no fireworks at the end.
Of course if you had absolutely no choice in the matter you could, like Homer Simpson, proudly let your last three hairs stand at attention as a mark of respect for their fallen comrades.
How did I become such an expert on this subject? Because I’ve tried every last one of ‘em. I enrolled at the famous “need us herbal” and flushed a shitload of money down the toilet. I bought this cure, that miracle rub and that lotion. I enrolled at another famous hair clinic and depleted my receding bank account by another few thousand.
I used to spend half an hour daily blow drying my hair to cover up my receding hairline, then spraying it with industrial strength hairspray to seal it into place. Of course using that hairspray only made me lose more hair so I resorted to combing my hair forward over my forehead. I looked like Mr Spock from StarTrek, minus the pointy ears.
Moral of the story? I took my good buddy Dale Caffrey’s advice and went for a number 1 buzzcut. I’ve never looked back since. I invested in a trimmer and now buzz my hair every Sunday. So guys, you have a choice – you can either fight it or flaunt it.
Proof that the future will suck:
People living in the future world of Star Trek can figure out how to build intelligent cyborgs and get a blind guy to drive the ship, but they can't take the shine off Picard's head?
Tantalising tidbits:
It's ironic that while a man's hair migrates south in the twilight years, our nose and ear hair decide to experiment with their own personal growth spurt. Who says God doesn’t have a sense of humour?
Here’s my personal bald hall of fame:
females:
Actress sigourney weaver (Alien series)
Actress demi moore (G I Jane)
Actress persis khambatta, 2003's Bald Woman of the Year
(best remembered for her role as the Deltan navigator, Lieutenant Ilia in "Star Trek The Motion Picture")
Singer sinead o'connor
males:
Actor yul brynner, the father of the flaunt your sexy bald head movement
Actor telly savalas
Actor bruce willis
Actor shaun connery
Actor patrick stewart
Actor christopher reeve
Actor samuel l jackson
Actor damon wayans
Actor michael rosembaum, lex luthor on smallville
Actor ving rhames
Actor vin diesel
Actor arnold vosloo (the mummy series)
Music director Paul shaffer (david letterman)
Musician billy corgan (the smashing pumpkins)
Musician moby
Musician michael stipe (REM)
Tennis pro andre agassi
Wrestler steve austin
Wrestler hulk hogan
Wrestler the rock
Whether you consider male-pattern baldness a pesky genetic predisposition or God's way of saying "I love everyone except you—have fun in hell," we can all agree that fleeing follicles suck. You might want to stand your ground by spending thousands on plugs, like our honourable minister Samy Vellu.
The comb-over, however, gets you a few more points for keeping it natural and, of course, utterly ridiculous. Unless you're Ron Howard and have enough money to make not only a comb-over, but a red comb-over, look attractive, do yourself a favor and submit to the clippers, like sexy Bruce Willis and *ahem* me.
"Toupee or not toupee?"
For starters, most of them look fake and people can tell at a glance. Moveover wearing a rug tells people that you’re vain as hell. Plus, what would you do if your scalp itches in public?
Of course, you could give in to the multibillion dollar hair restoration industry which targets your insecurities with clever advertisements. Not only are transplants and restoration expensive, they leave scars and are not 100% effective. Plus, you’re tied up with them for life for “maintenance treatments”. Read that as “give us your money till you die”.
Of course there are also miracle cures, rogaine and propecia et al which promise a lush regrowth of hair for the follically challenged. At the most, it’s just snake oil – all smoke and no bang with no fireworks at the end.
Of course if you had absolutely no choice in the matter you could, like Homer Simpson, proudly let your last three hairs stand at attention as a mark of respect for their fallen comrades.
How did I become such an expert on this subject? Because I’ve tried every last one of ‘em. I enrolled at the famous “need us herbal” and flushed a shitload of money down the toilet. I bought this cure, that miracle rub and that lotion. I enrolled at another famous hair clinic and depleted my receding bank account by another few thousand.
I used to spend half an hour daily blow drying my hair to cover up my receding hairline, then spraying it with industrial strength hairspray to seal it into place. Of course using that hairspray only made me lose more hair so I resorted to combing my hair forward over my forehead. I looked like Mr Spock from StarTrek, minus the pointy ears.
Moral of the story? I took my good buddy Dale Caffrey’s advice and went for a number 1 buzzcut. I’ve never looked back since. I invested in a trimmer and now buzz my hair every Sunday. So guys, you have a choice – you can either fight it or flaunt it.
Proof that the future will suck:
People living in the future world of Star Trek can figure out how to build intelligent cyborgs and get a blind guy to drive the ship, but they can't take the shine off Picard's head?
Tantalising tidbits:
It's ironic that while a man's hair migrates south in the twilight years, our nose and ear hair decide to experiment with their own personal growth spurt. Who says God doesn’t have a sense of humour?
Here’s my personal bald hall of fame:
females:
Actress sigourney weaver (Alien series)
Actress demi moore (G I Jane)
Actress persis khambatta, 2003's Bald Woman of the Year
(best remembered for her role as the Deltan navigator, Lieutenant Ilia in "Star Trek The Motion Picture")
Singer sinead o'connor
males:
Actor yul brynner, the father of the flaunt your sexy bald head movement
Actor telly savalas
Actor bruce willis
Actor shaun connery
Actor patrick stewart
Actor christopher reeve
Actor samuel l jackson
Actor damon wayans
Actor michael rosembaum, lex luthor on smallville
Actor ving rhames
Actor vin diesel
Actor arnold vosloo (the mummy series)
Music director Paul shaffer (david letterman)
Musician billy corgan (the smashing pumpkins)
Musician moby
Musician michael stipe (REM)
Tennis pro andre agassi
Wrestler steve austin
Wrestler hulk hogan
Wrestler the rock
Comments:
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When most boys are born they have very little hair and nearly every woman they meet says "ohhhh so cute" or "ohhhh you're simply adorable, can i take you home?" and other such terms of affection.
So why on earth does it become such an issue when the older male starts thinning out? ... follow Dave's lead ... lop it off!
Btw, Dave missed his own name out of his hall of fame list, but then again ... always the modest one.
So why on earth does it become such an issue when the older male starts thinning out? ... follow Dave's lead ... lop it off!
Btw, Dave missed his own name out of his hall of fame list, but then again ... always the modest one.
Hello Blogger,
After reading your blog "this post", I believe you will find my articles on natural hair loss treatment and other hair loss topics to be helpful.
You are also welcome to post your own articles on hair loss in my free directory ... sharing your knowledge will help others and you also get the benefit of recognition and a valuable backlink to your own blog / site. If you have the time, why not take a look at my articles on hair loss now!
Kind Regards
Emily
Post a Comment After reading your blog "this post", I believe you will find my articles on natural hair loss treatment and other hair loss topics to be helpful.
You are also welcome to post your own articles on hair loss in my free directory ... sharing your knowledge will help others and you also get the benefit of recognition and a valuable backlink to your own blog / site. If you have the time, why not take a look at my articles on hair loss now!
Kind Regards
Emily
#
posted by 
: 11:06 PM
: 11:06 PM<< Home
