Spankin' DA Monkey - Dave Avran's blog: 10/01/2005

"You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the guy next to you." - Anonymous

Sunday, October 16, 2005

THE SEVEN HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE DRUNKS

In the vast time I’ve devoted to pickling my liver in alcohol for eventual donation to medical science, I’ve met all manner of devoted drunkards.

Although these colleagues in semi-consciousness may outwardly appear to be enormously successful in their mission to oblivion, I consistently hear them voice the same frustrations about their boozing, which perhaps will sound familiar:

- I’m working hard each night to achieve my personal drinking goals, but often I still end up cogent enough to remove my shoes before bed and remember a discomforting amount of the night’s events the next day. It seems like I’m drinking as much as ever, but clearly something is wrong. What can I do?

- I’ve been so busy recently that it’s cutting into my drinking time. Lately I’m lucky to get on a decent bender twice a week. How can I get my priorities back on track and combat the twin time-leeches - my job and family?

- I’m not proud of this, but I haven’t vomited in two weeks. And I’m not sure, but I don’t think I’ve blacked out in even longer. Have I lost my edge?

- I just can’t drink like I could when I was younger. What can I do to regain that inner hunger for self-destruction that earned me the nickname “Splatter” in college?

- Lately, I haven’t been able to handle hard liquor, and the other day I even found myself refusing a double shot of tequila offered by a 50-plus-year-old biker chick. I feel so ashamed, and just hope none of my friends saw. Does this make me a wuss?

The answer to the last question is, “Yes, that does make you a wuss.” But the rest of those complaints are real concerns that haunt otherwise exceptional drinkers everywhere. I myself used to lie awake late at night in a bed that wasn’t spinning half as much as it should have, haunted by worries about my drinking.

But one day, as I left a shit job at a horrible hotel, my aged Chinese stereotype boss gave me a book that changed my life. This book was The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, by Stephen R. Covey.

With Mr. Covey’s guidance, I have empowered myself to achieve maximum personal congruence in my drinking, taking it to a level of synergy that I could have only dreamed of before. I would now like to share the wisdom of Mr. Covey as applied to boozing, and present The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Drunks.

1 Be Proactive. If you are going to take charge of your boozing, you’re going to have to be proactive about it. Remember, no one can take responsibility for your irresponsible drinking but yourself, and you’ll never end up on your back if you don’t get off your ass first. Don’t just wait for an opportunity to come to you, take the Initiative and round up the troops for a night at the bars.

People who don’t want to come should be classified as sources of negative energy and quickly eliminated. Expand your circle of influence to include as many drinking buddies as possible, thus empowering the greatest possible amount of alcohol abuse.

2 Begin with the end in mind. Now that you’ve set the stage for some problem drinking, make sure everyone has the right attitude. Do you ever start nights out with the plan to “Grab a few drinks?” If so, this is a problem. By setting such low goals for yourself, you are creating an obstacle to achieving a private alcohol victory.

What you need to do is shift your paradigm, from merely going drinking, to getting shit faced. Shift your aim to higher, more specific goals, as in: “Hey dude, let’s go lie in pools of our own bodily fluids in about eight hours?” Or perhaps: “Who wants to let the monkey take control?” Or even: “Let’s go fu*k someone really really ugly.” Visualization is the key.

3 Put first things first. Now it’s time to get serious. Create a time management matrix for yourself, with two sections. Label one half “Important” and the other “Unimportant.” Under the former, you’ll want to put “drinking”, and maybe “shoot neighbor’s poodle,” but keep it short.

Under the latter, put everything that stands between you and the inability to stand. This includes “bills,” “work,” “school,” “God,” and “relationships.” Now go take a drink. There, don’t you feel more empowered already? You’re taking care of your primary objective. Go ahead, take another half dozen. Now you’re on the road to Soused Synergy.

4 Think Win/Win. Once you’ve reevaluated your priorities, it’s time to head to a reputable drinking establishment to engage in some creative cooperation. Interdependence is more desirable than Independence, and this is never truer than in a bar.

Why pay for your own drinks when you can utilize simple techniques of interpersonal leadership to cadge them from others? When someone buys you a drink, you win because you have a drink, and they win because they get to hear you explain why toll charges on Malaysian highways are “some really fu*ked up shit.” See? Win/Win.

5 Seek first to understand, then to be understood. If bars have a golden rule, this is it. The next time it appears you haven’t been understood by the bartender when ordering a “dubbuh zhak n’ coke,” take a moment to try and understand what he’s saying to you.

He might be cutting you off. See? Now you’ve established open lines of communication. If this is the case, it is now your turn to use those lines to make him understand that he is a Nazi bastard.

Habit Five is also the most important thing you can keep in mind when trying to hook up late at night. There is no physical or personal defect that cannot be cured by dim lighting, 10-plus drinks and a constant mix of smiling and nodding. Remember, there are no ugly women after 3:00am.

6 Synergize. This is the destination that all the aforementioned habits lead to. Achieving synergy is an amazing feeling, like discovering a full liter of Absolut Vodka left at your house the morning after a party, or your doctor calling to say that it’s not actually herpes that you have.

Once you synergize you’ll find that you’re stunningly charismatic, an incredible dancer, exempt from the rule of law, able to explain complex and multidimensional political issues in eight words or less (two of which will be “fu*k”), and a surprisingly good climber. Oh, you’ll be impervious to gravity as well.

Your driving force will be able to overcome all restraining forces, so capitalize on the opportunity and throw your weight around.

7 Sharpen the Saw. Now that you’ve fully synergized, it’s time for some balanced self renewal. This is perhaps the most personal of the seven habits, and you must endeavor to do whatever it takes to meet the next morning’s four dimensions of renewal: physical, social/emotional, mental and spiritual. I recommend, in order: vomiting, masturbation, Bloody Marys and more masturbation.

Congratulations! You have now mastered the Seven Habits of Highly Effective Drinkers. But remember, true alcoholic excellence is not a single accomplishment, but rather a long and proud pattern of consistent success, so don’t slack off in your effort.

By centering your priorities and focusing on the do-able with the long-term goal of synergy, you will be empowered to enter an upward achievement spiral, increase your ability to learn, commit and do and get more fu*ked up than you ever dreamed possible.

Oh yes, before I forget. If you should need mentoring as you build up your own synergy with this method, just call me on my cellphone. I’m available 24/7 if you’re buying the drinks.

“dubbuh zhak n’ *hic* coke”

Posted by: Dave Avran / 11:22 PM 6 comments

Sunday, October 09, 2005

TELEPHONE THERAPHY

I recently had the misfortune to call Celcom’s toll-free line to inquire about my bill. The call resulted in me having to listen to a spiel about how wonderful Celcom was for ten minutes, and then having to navigate my way through a series of pre-recorded menus before I could finally speak with their perpetually busy customer service representatives.

Therefore I’ve come up with a more humane solution:

IF ONLY ALL PHONE LINES WOULD BE MORE USER-FRIENDLY…

“HELLO AND WELCOME TO THE MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE”

IF YOU ARE OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE, PRESS 1, CLEAN YOUR PHONE AND RE-ALIGN IT TO ITS EXACT FORMER LOCATION IMMEDIATELY.

IF YOU ARE CO-DEPENDANT, PLEASE ASK SOMEONE TO PRESS 2 FOR YOU.

IF YOU HAVE MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES, PRESS 4, 5 AND 6.

IF YOU ARE PARANOID, WE KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU WANT. STAY ON THE LINE SO WE CAN TRACE YOUR CALL.

IF YOU ARE DELUSIONAL, PRESS 7, AND YOUR CALL WILL BE TRANSFERRED TO PAK LAH, OUR PRIME MINISTER.

IF YOU ARE SCHIZOPRENIC, LISTEN CAREFULLY AND A SMALL VOICE WILL TELL YOU WHAT DIGIT TO PRESS.

IF YOU ARE A MANIC-DEPRESSIVE, IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU PRESS…NO ONE WILL ANSWER.

IF YOU ARE DYSLEXIC, PRESS 96969696969696969696969696969696.

IF YOU HAVE A NERVOUS DISORDER, PLEASE FIDGET WITH THE HASH KEY UNTIL THE OPERATOR COMES ONLINE.

IF YOU HAVE AMNESIA, PRESS 8 AND STATE YOUR NAME, ADDRESS, PHONE NUMBER, DATE OF BIRTH, ID NUMBER, AND YOUR MOTHER’S MAIDEN NAME.

IF YOU HAVE POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER, SLOWLY AND CAREFULLY PRESS 000.

IF YOU HAVE SHORT TERM MEMORY LOSS, PLEASE TRY CALLING AGAIN. THAT IS IF YOU REMEMBER.

IF YOU HAVE BI-POLAR DISORDER, PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE AFTER THE BEEP. OR BEFORE THE BEEP. OR AFTER THE BEEP. WHAT’S A BEEP? PLEASE WAIT FOR THE BEEP.

IF YOU SUFFER FROM LOW SELF-ESTEEM, PLEASE HANG UP. OUR OPERATORS ARE FAR TOO BUSY TO TALK TO YOU.

Posted by: Dave Avran / 9:08 PM 8 comments

Monday, October 03, 2005

ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT

Sometimes we need a jolt to shake us out of our complacency. It was thus last Friday night that I was in the office at 8:30pm, busily engrossed in my work when my mobile rang. I looked at it absently before answering – it was an unfamiliar Seremban/Melaka number.

“Hello?” I said gruffly.
“You don’t remember me” slurred the caller.

Great, I thought to myself. Another one of my buddies is shit-faced at some pub somewhere and decided to give me an emotional call to unload his problems.

“Please identify yourself” I demanded.
“You don’t remember me” slurred the caller again, clearly having difficulty with his speech.

By this time the hair on my arms had stood straight and an eerie uneasy feeling overcame me – the voice was all at once familiar and yet distorted.

“It’s Bruno” slurred the caller.
“Joe lah, Mr Dave” he went on, painfully pronouncing his name.

“Oh my God, Joe! I’ve been calling you on the mobile but I think you’ve cut off the line!” I exclaim.

(Backgrounder - Joseph Bruno is an ex-soldier who worked for me as a Marketing Executive when I was General Manager of a hotel in Port Dickson. We became rather close and used to go drinking after work. By some strange coincidence the other Marketing Executive Flora, Joseph and I shared the same birthdate, so it became sort of a tradition to celebrate together. When I left the hotel we still kept in touch by telephone, especially on our birthday)

“I had a stroke, Mr Dave” he said.

Everything fell into place all at once and my heart sank. A horrible sour feeling flooded my mouth. What a terrible thing to happen. Joseph was the only breadwinner in his family and he had three teenage kids. Many a time I had eaten his wife’s home cooked meals at his house.

“I’m so sorry to hear that, Joe. How are you coping?” I asked, feeling totally helpless and frustrated.

“I’ve been jobless for eight months” he slurred.
“Is there any way I can help?” I asked.

“I just wanted to call and tell you I’m still alive” he said, quoting an “inside” joke between us.

“Don’t joke, Joe!” I reprimanded him “Can I assist you in any way?”
“Thank you, but we’re managing, Mr Dave. Where are you working now?” he asked.
“I’m now GM at xyz club, Joe” I said rather lamely. “You know, I also suffered a nerve condition that required me to be on steroids. My body jammed up and I put on thirty pounds, Joe” I shared with him.
“At least you can still talk clearly” he said. “And work to earn money” he put things succinctly into perspective.
“Yes Joe” I admitted, somehow feeling ashamed of myself and yet not knowing why.
“Can I come visit you?” I asked.
“Of course” shot back the reply, “looking forward to see you – you still owe me a birthday greeting.”
“Happy Birthday, Joe” I said softly, nearly choking with emotion.

I put down the phone and leaned back in my chair, fighting my deep sadness for my friend. Several clichés ran through my mind – there but for the grace of God go I and I complained I had no shoes, until I saw a man with no feet among them.

I won’t be around in KL next Sunday - I have an old friend to visit in Seremban.

Posted by: Dave Avran / 9:09 AM 7 comments

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