Part 2 - The Jerk Appeal

There seems to be another, slightly less minor mystery among the male species, besides that Mother of all mysteries, the unending quest of trying to figure women out. Why is it that the nice guys always seem to be single while jerks are the ones whose little black books get filled with magical numbers for making whoopee?

There must be more out there to justify why women are left crying their eyes out because their boyfriends have hurt them once again. Needless to say, the girl goes back to the bad boy, while the “sweet” guy is left in the corner of the bar dipping his olive in and out of his martini.

In order for a man to develop a backbone and become more of a bad boy, in the hopes of attracting more women, he does have to be badly hurt once. However, there is a lot more to it than that. Observe.

It doesn't take a dozen self-help books and men's magazines to tell you how important self-esteem is when it comes to relationships and behavior. When it comes down to the enigma of the sweet girl and the bad boy, the man isn't the only one plagued by low self-esteem. The union of this couple can be blamed on lack of self-confidence where both parties are concerned.

There are many reasons why men are jerks to begin with. First, they can simply be born to fit the character and their loser behavior can be blamed purely on a genetic disaster and negative social environment. If we have a problem, we'll just have to take it up with his DNA. The second reason can be that the “nice” guy turns bad boy because of heartache. In this case, the guy becomes a jerk because he's been burned in the past and doesn't want this to happen again.

The third reason is the major one, partly related to reason number two; he simply has no self-esteem. This poor s.o.b needs to act like a jerk to cover up his lack of confidence. It's a sad, sad case. Ironically, most people would think that he is a jerk because he has too much confidence (this could also be the case), but this is where we are fooled most of the time. We can't imagine that this jerk actually has a low self-esteem because he is so insensitive towards everyone around him.

Not only is he a jerk, he is also a great actor. His bad boy demeanor is his shield; the weapon that gives the illusion of confidence. But most importantly, it ensures that he will never get hurt. His snide remarks and sarcasm are used as defense mechanisms, kind of how a skunk releases a stench to ward off those who may be a threat.

Don't worry; the woman doesn't get away from this one easily. The woman who falls for this poor excuse of a man suffers from the same lack of self-esteem. In essence, these two make a perfect match. This poor girl has no self-esteem of her own and probably doesn't believe she can do better than this man. He has literally become the cause for the loss of all her friends and those Haagen Dazs binges when he stands her up once again on Saturday night to meet his boys instead.

I still stand by the fact that the woman who falls for the jerk is most likely to suffer from low self-esteem, but there could be another very important reason. In case men haven't noticed, women love playing the role of the relationship therapist.

That's right, some women would do anything just to have the chance to get others to pour out their troubles, while they attribute most problems to an Oedipal pre-adolescent complex. Most women love to know that they're the ones who discovered the solution to their boyfriends' problems and, in turn, healed them (so to speak).

To do this, they need a troubled soul to lie down in that fake leather couch; the jerk boyfriend. Most girls love to know that they "fixed" their jerk boyfriend. He was once a bad boy, but now he is a sweetheart and he's a changed man, all thanks to her. Yes, this is the challenge most women enjoy seeking, an incredible feat where they claim to have turned a lost soul around.

If a man were (more or less) perfect to begin with, what would be so exciting in the relationship? The woman would be bored before you could say “Bonking Bananas” and they would probably have to create non-existent problems in the relationship to spice things up a little.

Therefore balance is the solution to this twisted phenomenon. A man should be able to act sweet and gentlemanly when dating a woman, all while maintaining some mystique. Simply find some sort of middle ground because no woman wants a pushover.

But here is the good news; a girl who constantly falls for jerks is probably not worth having in the first place. Just be yourself, because whoever said that nice guys finish last was never in a relationship with a great girl. In the long run, the jerks are left with little black books filled with phone numbers of insecure girls, while the sweethearts get the woman worth spending a lifetime with.

* This article is purely the figment of my twisted and tortured mind and makes no reference nor has any relevance to any situation or person; either real or imagined, living or dead. It is written merely for catharsis. This disclaimer isn’t really here either – you’re imagining it. Go see your regular weed supplier and demand a refund.

Part 1 - Nice Guys Finish Last

A wise man once told me, "As a man, you have to die once in order to live." I never fully appreciated his advice, nor did I understand it until I experienced it firsthand. From that time on, I understood the origins of the Jerk vs. Nice Guy battle.

Right about now you may be asking yourself, "What in the world is this mofo talking about?" Well, I'm referring to the widely known fact that women habitually date men that are jerks while the "nice" guys are often left twiddling their thumbs in solitaire. Does this sound familiar to anyone?

Figuratively speaking, in order for a man to enjoy the company of women and be able to seduce them, his inner nice guy must first die through heartache. It is at this point that his inner bad boy surfaces and goes on the prowl.

Any man who has experienced true love, only to have his heart crushed by the woman that he thought he would spend his life with, will understand what I am talking about. A man who has never experienced the heartache of being burned by the one person he really trusted probably won't understand my commentary. In any case, it is important to understand why nice guys finish last and why they probably always will.

Contrary to what most women think, men are interested in a successful relationship. Most men will never pass up the chance to date the woman of their dreams. In fact, when a man does encounter this rarity of a woman, his passion gets the better of him. The thoughts that race through his mind are something along the lines of, "This woman is a keeper. I'm going to treat her right and do all I can to make her happy."

The only problem with being the nice guy is that you also become the boring, predictable guy. The excitement of the seduction process begins to fade for the woman because she has what she wants and doesn't have to do any chasing. Eventually the woman starts losing interest and before you know it, her eyes start a wanderin”.

In the end, she'll look for a new man who will bring excitement back into her life by being the "new and improved" challenge. Pursuit and excitement usually stem from selfish attitudes, much like the bad boy who doesn't care about anyone but himself. The nice guy will be left heartbroken and will start wondering what in the world he did wrong, as in “wtf”??

It's at this point that men begin to realize that most women generally don't know what they want from us. Evidently, being the nice guy certainly doesn't help. The conclusion of the aforementioned scenario? The death of the nice guy persona. So that's the life and death of the nice guy and, as a result, "Mr. Nice" is resurrected into "Mr. Jerk".

As long as nice guys continue to get burned, there will always be a healthy supply of new jerks on the horizon to provide the dose of misery that women seem to yearn for. Eventually (often rather quickly), these nice guys will realize what type of man women actually want. The result is something that snaps inside of them as they begin to mimic the jerks that most women seem to pursue incessantly.

To become that kind of man, the charade must be taken to the extreme, which involves acting like a selfish person who has no regard for other people's feelings. This amounts to being a jerk who will say anything to get a woman into bed. The jerk will furnish her with tons of roller coaster emotions and once he has sex with her, he'll dump her. Why? Because he feels vengeful and wants to burn women the same way he was burned. Remember; once you get burned, don't stop playing with fire -- you TAME the flame and burn the dame. Gee, that rhymes.

So when women inadvertently give life to these jerks, they are really shooting themselves in the foot. That's the birth and legacy of jerks everywhere.

If nice guys are what women really want, then why is it that most nice guys are single? Why is it that we constantly hear stories about women dating habitual jerks that take them for a ride -- literally?

The fact is that women generally don't want nice guys, or maybe they're too busy chasing after jerks to realize that they do. Why? Because women act on impulse and emotion rather than fact. Who do you suppose brings out these same irrepressible emotions in women? Why, the jerks of course.

So what does this all add up to? No one wants to get hurt, but in the same instance, no one wants to be perceived as a jerk either. That is why it's important to have a balanced attitude towards relationships. A man has to be able to court a woman, amuse her and excite her while continuously remaining a challenge.

In other words, be nice to women, but remember who comes first in life; you, your irreplaceable family and friends, and then your woman. By following my theory, women will constantly be in hot pursuit of you.

But then again what do I know about women? I’ve recently been dumped. Very tactfully and diplomatically, no doubt, but firmly dumped all the same. Guess what? It bloody hurts.

I’ve recently subscribed to broadband, and have been spending long hours on the net as a consequence. However, I realized I’d been on the computer too long when I got in the elevator and double-clicked the button for the floor I wanted.

I know that FAQ stands for Frequently Asked Questions but what I don't know (and haven't seen in any FAQ) is how to pronounce it orally: Fack or Eff-Aie-Que? Since many (most?) of the acronyms on the net seem to be pronounced rather than spelled out, my bet is that it’s Fack. Any definitive answer to this?

Perhaps we can accept a compromise: two letters are sounded as if they were forming a syllable and the third letter is pronounced, as in 'fuh queue'.

This week we're giving away 2 prizes, 1 for sheer stupidity and another for sheer arrogance:

check out the disclaimer on the left of the price. Duh?



The following is reproduced from an UNSOLICITED letter hawking credit cards from HSBC:

"You may, at any time, choose not to receive direct marketing literature/information about our products and services, Please write to Direct Mailing Exclusion Coordinator at PD. Box 10244, 509t2 Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia with your request and we will delete your name from our direct mailing lists without charge."

Dave's photo of the month (March 2004) is reproduced below. It is completely original and unretouched. The shop in question can be found behind Maybank in Bandar Puchong Jaya, although I'm not very sure you wanna be seen entering there.