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Sunday, November 28, 2004

This is what I will look like to all females who read my latest blog post. Posted by Hello
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While I certainly don’t claim to be any kind of an expert on the female species, having reached the wise and venerable age of 45 and having the dubious honour of being recently dumped certainly qualifies me to make some personal observations.

Every single one of us unfortunate males has made mistakes with women. We've been conned, duped and dazed by physical attraction. We've made fools of ourselves by kissing the feet of females who’ve treated us like dirt. We've wasted countless hours and spent the equivalent of the gross domestic product of Vanuatu chasing after women who lied to us and used us, and turned out to be rotten.

But do we learn from our experiences? Nah, of course not. Ever the optimists, we think it's going to be different every time. We think if we just try harder, or do one little thing differently, the result will change.

Well, it's not going to change. If you keep pursuing the same kind of woman, you'll just get your heart broken over and over again.

Keep a watchful eye out for the following list of women, and you'll be one step closer to curing yourself of habitual witch-dating:

1. Miss Feminist

This woman postulates that all the ills of society are orchestrated by men and the best thing a man can do to improve himself is cut off his testicles and grow a pair of ovaries. She believes that women are angelic creatures who would make the world an utopia if only the male "patriarchy" would allow them to. Any woman who promotes these absurdities lives in a fantasy world and will have no problem at all treating a man in a way that she would never herself abide by. You can easily identify her by her incessant mantra, "All men think with their penises." Avoid her at all costs.

2. Miss Take

She's out for your money -- pure and simple. Miss Take is the ultimate in high maintenance. She expects a man to finance her entire life just because she is biologically female. To her, a man should pay for drinks, dinners, trips, flowers, and jewelry, while she feels absolutely no guilt or compulsion to reciprocate. She is nothing but a whitewashed prostitute. Miss Take thinks her vagina is plated with gold and is worth a million dollars. She is greed personified. Since she has no concept of someone else's feelings, her only interest is in getting what she wants. And don't be fooled -- some apparently very "nice" girls are the greediest of them all.

3. Miss Romance

This type of woman lives in a fantasy world of Hallmark movies and romance novels. Every night she goes home alone to spend hours flipping through her bride magazines, imagining that, at any moment, Prince Charming will ride up on his white horse, sweep her off her feet, and offer her a problem-free existence for the rest of her life. The Miss Romances of the world have been coddled by parents and family, told they are "princesses," and have absolutely no idea that real life consists of paying bills and cleaning toilets. Miss Romance will expect to be taken care of, will be a dud in bed, and will, almost overnight, turn into a shrieking nag. Run, dude.

4. Miss Elusive

This woman is closely allied to Miss Romance, but with a dark side. She is usually one of the "walking wounded" -- someone who has been hurt in past relationships and so subconsciously avoids or sabotages new relationships in the present. Your association with her will be one of utter frustration, as first she shows great interest in you, but very quickly runs away -- then repeats this cycle over and over again. Miss Elusive is the queen of mixed messages. She will flirt with you and date you, but you'll never get past "friend" status. What you will get is a million excuses for her unavailability, all calculated to deceive herself that she just doesn't have time for a relationship. Save yourself some heartache - don't get involved with her.

5. Miss Angry

Like Miss Feminist, Miss Angry really don't like men. She scorns the male gender and can rattle off all the wrongs and misdeeds of every man she’s ever encountered. Many of them have lots of simmering anger at men, which can explode at any moment like an erupting volcano. To Miss Angry, there's no such thing as a nice guy -- they're all "jerks," "creeps" and "pigs." Unless you're into lots of drama and screaming, stay away.

6. Miss Insecure

This woman seems great at the start because she's very nice, accommodating and treats men well. But her inner insecurities don't take long to surface. Pretty soon she's calling you 10 times a day in between constant sms-es, asking to see "where the relationship is going," or because she "just wants to hear your voice." She needs constant reassurance that she's attractive, and worries incessantly about her makeup, hair and the alignment of her clothes. She's clingy, needy and compulsively agonizes that you're going to leave her at any moment for "someone better." This kind of thing can get really creepy really fast.

7. Miss Bitch

The Miss Bitches are the sulkers, pouters and ball-busters of the female world. They are very unpleasant people who treat their fellow humans poorly, care only about themselves, and aren't concerned at all if they hurt you or anybody else. Most Miss Bitches qualify as Miss Takes, too. Miss Bitches are usually good-looking and well dressed, and you can easily identify them by the scowls on their faces as they imperiously strut through the world.

8. Miss Me

A close relative of Miss Bitch, Miss Me is entirely focused on herself. Miss Me needs to be the constant center of attention no matter what she does or where she goes. She is a selfish, self-indulgent, self-serving narcissist who was raised as "daddy's little girl," and expects the same from you. Unless you enjoy the company of spoiled brats, stay far, far away.

9. Miss Desperate

Whether it's her baby clock ticking or she's the last of her girlfriends to trap a man, Miss Desperate wants to get married - now. She doesn't care who the guy is or what he does -- as long as he's got a penis she can drag him to the altar by. Watch out for this one!

10. Miss Turncoat

She's a conniving little piece of work who's an expert at conning men. Miss Turncoat will tell you exactly what you want to hear until you're hooked deep into the relationship (or married)… and then the truth comes out. Overnight, your sweet little girl turns into a demanding, greedy, mercenary harpy who will browbeat you into submission if she doesn't get her way.

11. Miss Tease

Usually, you can spot Miss Tease a mile away because she flirts with anything in pants and flaunt her sexuality at every opportunity. Sometimes she sponges off older men; sometimes she's a ball-buster who enjoys getting men sexually excited and then walking away; and sometimes she just basks in her sexual power by attracting men like bees to honey. No matter how she operates, you can't trust her because she craves male attention and if somebody better comes along, she'll dump you before you can say “Tongkat Ali”.

12. Miss Controlling

She is a subtly nasty one who will wind up directing every phase of your life. She will tell you what to wear, where to go, who to talk to, what friends you can have, what you can eat – the whole shebang. If you try to stand up for yourself, she will cut off sex, cry, scream, pout, or use any other deceptive female tactic until you give in and succumb to her demands.

You’ve been warned!

These are some of the worst of them. Obviously, there are many good women out there…but God has a twisted sense of humour and the trick is to find, land and keep a good woman. Now that you know better, if you hook up with one of these women listed above, you only have yourself to blame.
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Monday, November 22, 2004

what do you do when your HD crashes? Posted by Hello
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Sunday, November 21, 2004

Of Dead Hard Drives And Lying Chinamen

My cellphone has gone haywire with sms-es flowing in endlessly as friends, colleagues and blogmates and regular Spankin' DA Monkey readers berate me for being an uneducated moron (I'm being diplomatic here for the sake of sensitivity - har har) for not replying their emails.

The truth of the matter is that my hard drive crashed...again. Ever since I've had the misfortune to upgrade (that's an oxymoron if I ever heard one) to windows XP, I've had endless problems with bugs migrating from one program to another. The HD crashed a coupla days later and I took it to the shop to get it fixed.

A week later, after I had bought 80 gig of space and confidently installed Norton Ghost to automatically backup my data on a weekly basis and configured my old D: drive as another backup for my new C: drive, it crashed again.

I promptly took it back to the shop, Mtec Computer (PJ) Sdn Bhd on the 2nd floor of Mid Valley. The boss Lee had just got married (poor guy!) and was busy getting his jollies off on his honeymoon. His staff were equally busy goofing off big time on a rotation basis and out of the 3 of them supposed to be working, only one was physically in the shop at any given time, covering up for the other 2 via handphone. When the tomcat's busy playing with his meow (read pussy) the mice have a staff party.

Why am I bitching about some thing that's absolutely none of my business? Because they didn't tell me the truth about my harddrive. Every time I visited the shop, which was daily for the first 2 days, I was told the same thing...Ah Fatt (the guy who installed my HD in the first place) was not in, have a teh tarik and come back in an hour. After 3 hours of the same story, I rang my friend EC Lee who had the misfortune to introduce me to the shop in the first place and told him the situation. He asked me to pass the cellphone to them and let it rip in Hokkien, describing exactly who and what their collective mothers were.

Now the bastards knew bloody well that I had bought the HD from them not more than 10 days ago and that the bloody thing was still on warranty. So to play it safe and cover their yellow asses they told me it was the WINDOWS XP that had crashed, not the HD.

They also told me that since it was the Deepavali/Hari Rari holiday season, it would take a week to source the parts needed to fix it. Don't they stock spare parts?

10 days later everyone's back at work and I was still without my beloved HD. I call EC Lee again and use a time-honoured Punjabi tactic and remind him that my parents are friends with HIS parents and that we go back a l-0-0-0-0-n-g way. Voila! A mere few minutes after that the shop actually calls me for the 1st time and proudly declares that I can collect my HD at 8pm that very evening, and that I only have to pay RM270 for the spare parts.

I call EC Lee again. He's in Penang closing a mega deal so my cellphone bill will also be mega. Apparently he got fed-up with the shop guys and offered to personally pay for the HD out of his own pocket if they will just fucking fix it and return it to me and stop ruining his good name for introducing them to me!

Of course Mtec not only neglected to tell me this bit of information, but they did not have the HD ready when I turned up at 8:05pm to collect it. I also lost all my data as they replaced my 10 day old HD and reformatted it. At 9:35pm I was told it was ready and my bill was RM270 for replacement parts (power switch and motherboard thingamajig).

Long story short, I gave in to blackmail and paid up. It was a faulty HD, it was on warranty, EC Lee unnessarily forked out cash from his own pocket, I was deprived of a pc for 10 days, lied to, made to waste my time drinking 15 bloody expensive teh tariks AND LOST ALL MY DATA including my precious nearly 650 plus email addresses in Outlook Express. Plus I can't bloody recover my Outlook Express account until now. And I forked out RM270 of hard earned cash. I could say the bastards had me by the balls, but the truth is I know I sold out. I'm pathetic.

I also know I've been without a pc or an internet connection or been able to update or recharge my pda for 10 days. When you're renovating a new club and need to process documents for training staff and what not, not being with a pc is like being unable to generate a hard-on when both Coco Lee and Shu Qi are lying naked on your bed and mewling for some tender lovin'. Wrap your mind around THAT one.

So bottom line... one of my writers for Pinch magazine, Vanessa, had a similar problem with her laptop. Bloody thing was still on warranty when it just up and died on her. The vendor disclaimed all liabilibity and left her high and dry. She took it the press and created a such a stink that even Alam Flora declared that they could not clear it up and she's now taking the sons of female dogs to court. Good on yer, Vans - you've got bigger balls than me. sigh...

As for me, my statics say that this blog is read by 647 people on the average. Minus my mother reading it 646 times, that means one other unfortunate person. I have a message for you dude - if you have a problem with your computer and would like to be entertained while being ripped off, go to Mtec.

It's the first time I've experienced 4 Chinamen being more glib lying with their tongues than a roomful of 40 Indians. Now if you're Indian and reading this, spare me your outrage, please. I really don't have the time or the mood and I don't give a flying fuck for your seemingy wounded feelings. We both know Indians can tell you they didn't turn up for work because their maternal grandmother died for the 6th time this year. If you're offended, just de-subscribe from this mailer and go watch Astro Vaanavil and save us both the grief, ok?

If you're EC Lee and you're reading this, thanks for paying out of your own pocket, and please don't go recommending rip off artists like Mtec again.

If you're Mtec and you're reading this (I sent it to your email address but being the irresponsible bastards you are, I don't think you check your email. If by any miracle you do, my lawyer's phone number is 012 2116789 and his name's Ari. Don't bother calling me, call him. He says he could use the extra cash I'll get from you to buy a coupla computers for his office) - fuck you and all your future generations. May you be regular consumers of fake Viagra and die with limp dicks.

Please don't misunderstand me - many of my closest friends are Chinese and Indian males and females and this is not a racial issue. It never is racial with me. Besides, you can't have delicious gorgeous yum yum (did I use enough adjectives?) chinawomen without chinese men can you? This is about being ripped off and ignoramuses using Cantonese in your face because of your brown ass without realising that you're fluent in their language to rip you off. It's worth a millon bucks when you finally let rip with a coupla "tiew lia mas" of your own to let them know that you speak their lingo and watch their puny little jaws drop to the ground...PUHLEESE!!!

Makes me proud, it does. Even brings a tear to my eye. Chinamen boleh.

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gotta have this every morning. Posted by Hello
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Inner Strength

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can make it through the traffic gridlock to work,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when
through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can do all these things,

Then you are probably the family dog.
woof woof

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Sunday, November 07, 2004

Relationships can blow up in your face if you're not careful with your partner's feelings. Posted by Hello
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Everlasting Love & Other Fiction

I had a telephone chat with an ex-girlfriend last night. Apparently her ex is now cheating on his recently-married wife who’s just given birth. To add masala mix to the spice, it’s with a young girl from his work place. Some Leopards just cannot change their spots…

It was the grandest wedding of all. So it has been throughout the years, the two of you, side-by-side, the perfect couple, sharing all of life's good times - and bad - as only two people in love can do.

That's the stuff of fairy tales and those sappy '50s and '60s television shows. This is real life and the two of you aren't Mr and Mrs Right. As a matter of fact, there hasn't been anything right about your relationship for a long, long time.

Welcome to Divorceville. Population: More than you would expect.

So now what do you do? You're in financial ruin, emotional distress, and overweight besides. Every day is a bad hair day. Life just doesn't get any better than this. Or does it?

Nothing is certain, definitely not relationships.

Sometimes you end up with a hair-raising trip on the roller coaster when all you asked for was a nice calm ride on the merry-go-round. The fact is, as long as human beings are the key ingredients in relationships, some relationships will, by necessity, end. No two human beings are the same at every stage of their life. Goals, needs and desires change with time, sometimes conflicting with the goals, needs and desires of the relationship partner.

If you wish, think of each relationship as a novel with a beginning, middle, and an ending. Sometimes the novel is good enough to warrant endless sequels. Sometimes not. Because a relationship ends, it does not mean you will never love again.

Pain and suffering are part of the program. Of course there's pain - how else do you learn to savor the good times? Of course your life is disrupted. How could it not be? You, however, have the ability within yourself to make your life better, despite the odds. Consider it a test... just around the corner is something newer, bigger, better. There is a reason why this has happened. Can you find it?

Looking for a lifetime guarantee? Buy an appliance. Want unconditional love? Get a dog. Ready to be realistic in a search for everlasting love? First, forget "everlasting" unless you're buying batteries. Accept the fact that people change and that sometimes those changes cause major upheavals in the lives of the people who love them the most.

You wanna know what's the hardest thing I've done in my life? Forcing myself to let go of someone I still love very dearly because she's moved on with her life. We're still friends, of course.

In this amusement park we call life,
there's a rollercoaster called love.
When you buy your tickets,
you take your chances on the ride you'll get.

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Great news...Alex Wong@SingleTrackMind is currently in Los Angeles working hard on his 2nd album! I'd like to share this photo he recently sent me.  Posted by Hello
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