I suffer from a nerve condition known as neuropathy, triggered by an attack of Jaundice last November. Since then, I have been shuffled from doctor to doctor as they took turns to milk me of my fast dwindling hard earned cash. I am now with doctor prefix.

I call him that because he has five prefixes before his name – Datuk Doctor Professor Specialist Neurologist XXX, it says on his business card. When I saw the newspaper today, I realized there must be many more people in my situation as well.

So for all doctor-hopping Malaysians out there, here’s my guide to doctorspeak :

Doctorspeak: Do you have insurance?
Translation : how are you going to pay me?
D: Do you have a guarantee letter from your employer?
T : how are you going to pay me?
D: What’s your patient registration number?
T : have my staff checked your credit worthiness?
D: Did you make an appointment?
T : You do understand that I charge an arm and a leg for my time.
D: We have to run some tests in order to arrive at a diagnosis.
T : I need money to pay for my 3rd golf club membership.
D: The tests were inconclusive. We need to run the tests again.
T : I have to buy the latest BMW for my 22 year-old mistress.
D: Oh, your old test results are outdated – we need to test you again
T : you look stupid and retarded – I’m going to milk you for all I can
D: Do you have any allergies I should know about?
T : Is your nasty, argumentative and stingy wife here?
D: We will opt for a course of behavioural medicine.
T : my behaviour will improve in direct proportion to the thickness of your wallet.
D: We may have to consider a Cardiopulmonary bypass.
T : I would love to treat poor patients like you for free, but my heart couldn’t take
the strain, so I’m going to have to bypass you. Please close the door on your way out.
D: I’m referring you to another doctor.
T : you’re almost out of money.