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"You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the guy next to you." - Anonymous
Sunday, January 30, 2005
Valentine's Day Can Be Hazardous To Your Health
So the old male chauvinistic pig Dave is back. No more serious issues for the time being, until I can afford to quietly move house and change my car. Here’s some bluff off-the -cuff fluff to luff at while you huff and puff as you stuff your face with muff. Is that ‘nuff?
Warning: Valentine’s day can be hazardous to your health. Don’t be taken in by the hype generated by overzealous retailers eager to relieve you of your money, all in the name of love. Tina Turner was absolutely right – what’s luurve got to do with it?
When Exes Attack
If Cupid aims his arrow at you this Valentine’s Day, put a bullet in his brain. (for a complete list of hit men and prices in your neighbourhood, call me on my mobile). You don’t want to end up like these victims of deranged dumpees.
In January 2004, Lynn Lai of Cheras reportedly threw a lit Christmas ornament loaded with kerosene at her ex, Dean Lai, as he entered his home. She is also suspected of distributing letters accusing Dean of pedophilia. Then on May 18, she allegedly shot and killed him while he was walking his dog. But we heard he was a pedophile, so it’s cool with us.
Spurned Writer Sends Scarlet Letter
Freelance writer Mavis Mah extended her artistry to advanced vandalism in April 2004, when she wrote the words bastard and bitch in red spray paint on the 1 Utama home of her ex-husband and his mistress. The house was later sold at a considerably discounted price to expatriate Butch Bustard, who was the only prospective buyer.
The Datin strikes back
In May 2003 Datin Faridah, who suspected her spouse Datuk Kamal of philandering, cut off the sleeves from his Saville Row suits, poured red paint on his BMW and gave away 70 bottles of his vintage wines. She said her actions gave her “a hell of a buzz, better than drugs.” Police later reported confiscating a pirated vcd of “Waiting To Exhale” from the still-high Datin.
Woman Cripples Handicapped Ex
In June 2003, Annie Ang of Kepong saw her ex-boyfriend Michael Tan sitting in his wheelchair and chatting up some babe. So Ang reportedly flipped his chair over and bashed him on the head with one of his crutches, then took off with his wallet and one of his wheels. She spent a night in jail and the press credited her for inventing the term “handicapping the handicapped”.
Tit for Tit
In 2002, Sheila Samynathan caught her boy Andy @ Muniandy getting jiggy with her best friend Pamela Pragasam, to the tune of Tone Loc’s “wild thing” on the stereo. The furtively friggin’ pair thought they had seen the last of her as she tearfully made her exit, Bollywood style. When Andy returned home later that night, he found his grossly overweight brother Kris @ Krishnan furiously humping Sheila as “He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother” wafted from his Cd player.
Saturday, January 22, 2005
Why do we cheat on our partner?
I’ve had so much of free time lately that I’ve actually been (god please forgive me) watching Oprah on Tv. So much so that I’ve decided to do a Dr Phil and come out with my own research on why people cheat in a relationship.
So, if we opt to be monogamous, why do we ultimately cheat? If you’re currently howling self-righteously that you’ve never even thought about it, drop me an email and I’ll send you a free mirror so that you can take a long hard look at yourself, you big fat liar.
The answer is quite simple. People do not cheat because they're pigs, sows, bitches, or dogs. It all comes down to two basic drives: the physical sexual drive and the emotional need.
People usually cheat because there is a conflict between their physical and emotional desires. By accepting and understanding these shortcomings - instead of ignoring them - we can hopefully work harder to make sure that our partners are satisfied enough to resist any instinctual sexual urge.
you're a prisoner of your instincts
The question you have to ask yourself is which drive is stronger, and which one has a bigger influence in your life. In general, each person is different, but it is generally the physical sexual drive that dominates a person's actions.
Why? Because this drive has been present in human behavior for millions of years. Whereas the emotional monogamous need has only been around for a few thousand years, obviously a few thousand years of emotional needs will not overcome millions of years of one's evolutionary sexual drive.
Throughout history, men have argued that it is in their biological nature to desire multiple partners. Over time, we have evolved towards taking a partner in order to help raise our children and enforce a set of moral codes that contradict our stronger physical needs.
Humans are not monogamous by nature and when we ultimately choose to be faithful without the right conditions in place, we are setting ourselves up for failure and disappointment.
Once we can accept that 10,000 years of social monogamous behavior cannot supersede millions of years of physical evolution, only then can we learn to work around our weaknesses.
We exist as human beings on two levels: with bodies (physical instinct) - the stronger of the two (according to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs) - and minds (emotional needs). In order to understand how physical instincts and emotional needs interrelate, we need to make a few comparisons.
Imagine that the sexual physical instinct of a person is the sheer brute force of natural flowing water (one of the hardest elements to contain, as proven so devastatingly recently), and the only thing that can control it is a super dam. The dam represents the human's decision to become monogamous. It will only work if the dam's foundation is built strong enough. If there are any cracks or weaknesses, the "water" will eventual break through the "dam."
In short, humans have set very difficult (but certainly attainable) objectives for themselves by choosing to be monogamous. Therefore, in order to contain our sexual drives, we need to ensure that the emotional support toward our partner is strong enough to keep our primitive instinctual urges from surfacing.
So what are these conditions that will keep the dam strong? In order to ensure a stable relationship, you must tend to all of the following reasons why people stray...
1. Physical Drive
No longer finding partner sexy or attractive
Try to stay in shape or at least maintain the same shape you had when you first met your partner (great advice from someone who’s grossly overweight – mwahahaha). Working out together is a great way to spend quality time while keeping each other physically fit and appealing.
Sex may be readily available with another
Do not deprive your spouse of his or her sexual needs - even when you don't "feel like it" or have a “headache”.
Current partner is unavailable for sex
Try to avoid spending long periods of time away from one another. Being out of town on a business trip for a few weeks isn't so bad, but letting the few weeks become months will inevitably lead to temptation.
No sexual variety
Changing your sexual routine and ensuring an array of adventurous sexual delicacies will keep your partner wanting more and wondering what will be next, instead of thinking of someone else. Haven't got a clue where to find variety to spice up your sex life? Surf the net, you fool!
The more sex you have and the more satisfied you are, the less likely you'll go out looking for more.
2. Emotional Needs
No longer feeling accepted or desired by another
You could be having all the sex in the world, but if you don't feel accepted, respected, desired, adored, loved, or worshipped, you will always be looking for that person who will give you all these things. And when that person comes along, you might be sorely tempted to jump right in.
The challenge is not exciting and boredom sets in
The sex is fun, you're physically stimulated, but you are not emotionally stirred. And the whole mood, scene or companionship can become boring. Take part in exciting activities together in order to keep the thrill in your social life.
Fulfilling something perceived to be missing in current relationship
Just because you're satisfied, that does not mean your partner is. The only way you're going to know this is by communicating with one another. Couples should spend a few hours a week talking about their relationship, both the positives and the negatives. How can your partner help if you won't discuss things?
get real dude- there is no eternal bliss
When a person succumbs to temptation, they might forget what attracted them to their partner in the first place, and lose sight of the chemistry and infatuation they once experienced for that person. It is a delusion to believe that a relationship should always progress smoothly on the road to eternal bliss. However, focusing on the negative will lead one to perceive that they are so miserable that they seek to fulfill their needs elsewhere.
Cheating is simple; a relationship is more complicated. Cheating usually offers instant gratification, physically and emotionally. A relationship requires lots of maintenance. Giving it care and attention along with trust and communication will continuously help both people grow.
If you become involved with another person, you owe it to yourself and your partner to be honest. Creating lie upon lie will only hurt everyone involved. Take a close look at your relationship before seeking happiness with another person.
Also, remember that the new person will require just as much maintenance. No matter how green the grass looks, eventually it will need to be grained, fertilized and trimmed or before you know it, you'll have weeds all over the place.
Now that’s something to think about the next time that hot babe at the office smiles at you, boyos…and I don’t mean think with your dick, either.
Sunday, January 16, 2005
DAVE'S VERSION OF THE UGLY MALAYSIAN CONTEST
Yes yes, I know. You’ve been left in peace for the last two months as I’ve been busy setting up the Sugar Club. Well, the set-up’s complete and it’s been handed over to the proud owners to operate, so I’m currently jobless and free to harass and harangue you all with my very own hypnotic brand of horse (non)sense. A long drawn out Neeeeeeeigggghhhh!
You don’t need me to tell you that there are such disgusting things as Malaysians using the aid relief centers as dumping grounds, conmen keeping donations for themselves, war-profiteers, tragedy-milkers, tsunami victim-rapists and body snatchers.
Exploitation is rife – “helpers” who exploit victims, "victims" who exploit helpers, politicians and officials who exploit everyone - have surfaced along with the thousands of missing bodies. Some religious organizations are also exploiting the catastrophe to preach holy wrath.
However, what I want to discuss today is one of my favourite topics and it is something I frequently bitch about in this blog – the ugly Malaysian.
Well, the Star has not only admitted that this malaise exists but taken it a step further by running a competition! Kudos to the Star for highlighting something that’s been so bloody obvious.
So here goes - Dave’s version of the ugly Malaysian:
Malaysians can be very rude at times. We are familiar with criminal behaviour such as handbag snatching and rape that grieves us all. Here is your chance to rank the following situations in the order of what you consider to be the most rude (1 being the most rude).
- Not saying “Thank You” after the crime
- Using unnecessary excessive force
- Introducing your face/head to the brick/tar pavement
- Not saying “Sorry” after the crime
- people in public pretending they don’t see you in danger
- Taking excessive time to commit the dastardly deed, prolonging your suffering
- Littering the road with your belongings
- Disregard for human life
- Smoking while committing the act
- Spitting in the face of the law
- Using your hand phone to call you to demand a reward for your documents
- Not having any consideration for the elderly, disabled or pregnant women
- Not responding to your pleas for mercy
- Cutting you up for not giving up your belongings fast enough
- Using too large a knife or parang, scaring the shit out of you
- The police adding to your misery with their compete apathy
You may absolutely hate me after reading the above, but admit it – it’s a sobering thought, isn’t it?
It’s also bloody scary, isn’t it?
Think about it.